To think having really loud, noisy sex when your children are just a few feet away is creepy and wrong?

[ManonBlackbeak]

Im working through a few unresolved issues relating to my childhood at the moment, and this is something that's suddenly come to the forefront of my mind. Im firmly prepared to be told that Im being unreasonable or stupid.

Throughout my childhood and teen years my parents would have really loud sex at night when DB and I were in our rooms just a few feet away. I'd love to say that they assumed we were asleep, but often they knew full well that I was not as they'd pop their heads around the door to say goodnight before getting down to it!

Im not one of these people who thinks my parents never had sex, or should never have done it but there was very little in the way of discrete. We are not just talking the sound of a headboard banging against the wall either, we are talking about full on loud porn movie like shrieking from my DM.

The more I think about it the more weird and sort of off it seems. I don't have kids, but if I did I'd be horrified if they ever over heard me having sex. Actually I'd be pretty red faced if anyone did. But then the next morning DM would face us as always with zero embarassment.

Without drip feeding. DM is difficult, Im starting to believe my upbringing was a bit toxic. I believe she has undiagnosed mental health problems, and she was unpredictable, moody and emotionally unavialble to me. She also didn't respect my boundaries and would barge into my room without knocking, look through my things etc.

I cant get my head around it. The more I think about it the more I feel it wasn't right IYSWM?

I think I'd use the word inappropriate rather than creepy and wrong.
It shouldn't have happened and must have been confusing and embarrassing if not downright scary for you and your siblings. But not a lot you can do about it now.

I think this is verging on abuse - it’s definitely very, very inappropriate and worrying and wrong and I’d phone social services if I knew this was happening in someone’s home as it does suggest something very worrying... so awful

I suspect this was part of a general family culture of control, riding roughshod over personal boundaries and not allowing you as children to have any dignity, privacy or right to individual preferences - if so, then it was most certainly abusive and about power. Completely inappropriate and damaging behaviour.

DM used to do this- with various boyfriends. Including a married man I walked in on her with... in her case it was pure selfishness. Ive never forgotten it- or forgiven it, to be honest. And I’m in no way a prude and am quite sexually uninhibited. But I put my little boy first- and him growing up unscathed is more important to me than sex.

What they did was hugely inappropriate. I would have cut my ears off. I mean I knew they did it but I don't need the soundtrack.

Icantthinkofanewname87

Its interesting you've said that. I work in a primary school now, and if one of the children approached me and said this was happening in their home I'd probably feel as though I'd need to flag it up as a child protection issue.

Inappropriate and probably classed as abusive too. It sounds like it was part of a toxic environment where ignoring children's privacy and personal boundaries was just a part of seeing children as "other" (ie lesser) than adults.

Utterly disgusting behaviour on the part of them both.

I once overheard my parents having it off, and the memory has never left me. I was mid-teens at the time, so although it was unpleasant, I was able to understand it, and think "well at least they are enjoying being together". I told them years later and they were quite amused (although when my Mum asked me to reproduce the sounds I actually heard I flat-out refused). I also once walked in on them on a Sunday morning - I was much younger and they were under the duvet with Dad on top of Mum - as I came into the room they froze and Dad said "Go back to bed we're not awake yet" and I left, but I remember thinking, "you are awake, you're having a cuddle". I think I was about 5.

I am completely unscathed by both of these experiences but it is interesting that I remember them vividly.

However, I think that to hear it frequently would be very unsettling for a child of any age.

My dm used to invite strangers to our house for sex. Well strange to me , usually a neighbour /man down the road.
Once wee-d on my carpet instead of walking via front room to the bathroom.
Blamed the ddog and had massive guilt.
Found polaroids once.
Grim.
Sorry you had that sort of childhood op.
Time and a place for noisey sex and home with dc isn't it imo.

It's grossly inappropriate in my opinion. Sorry you had to go through that op.

I don't think it's abuse, I think it's yuk and out of order and must have been horrid to hear though. Not nice.

Definitely wrong and yes I would say a bit creepy too
Checking to see if you were awake before starting to have sex suggests they were making the noises loud on purpose. That's disturbing and yes, creepy.

My 'DM' also done this regularly, I also remember being in a B&B sort of room me and my sisters were in bunk beds beside the double bed and they still proceeded to get down to it without being the least bit quiet about it. Now I have my own DD I definitely find it disturbing that they did that.

That's revolting. Poor you OP.

Same in my house growing up. DM and DF at it (loudly) they may well have assumed me and my sisters were asleep but I think there should have been some consciousness of surroundings. I have a school age DS and would never do the same with him in the house. Obviously we have sex but I make a conscious effort to ensure we are being discrete!

My parents shenanigans used to give me anxiety as a child, I used to hate the sound of them coming up to bed at night wondering if they'd do it, then shoving my head under the pillow and humming to myself to drown them out until it was over.

Tisfortired yes, I can remember the anxiety of them going to bed and wondering if they'd do it. I couldn't truely relax and nod off until I knew they were asleep themselves. It wouldn't happen every night, not even every week but would happen often. Sometimes I'd be asleep, but something awake.

They would always pop their heads around the door until I was well into my teens. Usually to say goodnight or just check on me.

Same in my house, hated it. And yes, as pp said, part of a general culture of control and not being allowed my own boundaries.

Same in my house...it wasn't pleasant and I too would have anxiety going to bed. My DM got worse when my Dad died, having many 'boyfriends'. It's horrible as a child, more so as a teen/young adult. It stays with me as an adult

Horrible thing to do to a child.

I mean I couldn't even have brought the subject up to let them know that I could hear everything, because as a family nothing was ever discussed openly and DM would fly into rages or sulks if we ever attempted to do so.

Though really, on reflection I don't know how they didn't realise I could hear (I assume DB must have heard as well, but I can't even bring myself to discuss it with him for obvious reasons). Hell, the neighbours half way down the street must have heard!

One of the worst times I remember was being away at a wedding, staying in a family room. My 2 sister's in top and tailing in the single bed, DM and DF in the double, with me in the camp bed inbetween these 2 beds. It's rest grim laying there whilst your parents shag in the bed next to/above you

This really struck a chord with me as my mother did the same with boyfriends and it was so bad I often used to bang on the wall so they knew I could hear and would stop briefly and then continue it was absolutely horrendous and continued throughout my entire childhood. Awful.

God, Neron that is awful. Thankfully thats one thing that I don't ever remember happening, though I don't think we ever shared a room with my parents even on holidays. I wonder if it would have been different if we had?

You have to wonder what kind of person thinks its acceptable to have sex when their child is in the room with them?! I mean, can't you exercise some control and just say off having a shag until you are back in the privacy of your own home with seperate rooms etc?

YANBU I remember the anxiety when they went to bed too wondering if they'd do it. I remember being about 16 and in a caravan with them when they were properly going for it, inches away in the next room. My mum would make comments the next day sometimes, I know she knew I had heard.

I know, it's really awful. We had such a messed up childhood and our parents ruined us really. As an adult I realise how disgusting they were to do that to us. Parents used to disappear during the day to do it and would leave the door open. I've another distinct memory of my DM giving another man a blow job in the hallway. He was actually a neighbour who still lives in the same street (with his wife!) and I still see him