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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think having really loud, noisy sex when your children are just a few feet away is creepy and wrong?

171 replies

ManonBlackbeak · 06/10/2019 17:57

Im working through a few unresolved issues relating to my childhood at the moment, and this is something that's suddenly come to the forefront of my mind. Im firmly prepared to be told that Im being unreasonable or stupid.

Throughout my childhood and teen years my parents would have really loud sex at night when DB and I were in our rooms just a few feet away. I'd love to say that they assumed we were asleep, but often they knew full well that I was not as they'd pop their heads around the door to say goodnight before getting down to it!

Im not one of these people who thinks my parents never had sex, or should never have done it but there was very little in the way of discrete. We are not just talking the sound of a headboard banging against the wall either, we are talking about full on loud porn movie like shrieking from my DM.

The more I think about it the more weird and sort of off it seems. I don't have kids, but if I did I'd be horrified if they ever over heard me having sex. Actually I'd be pretty red faced if anyone did. But then the next morning DM would face us as always with zero embarassment.

Without drip feeding. DM is difficult, Im starting to believe my upbringing was a bit toxic. I believe she has undiagnosed mental health problems, and she was unpredictable, moody and emotionally unavialble to me. She also didn't respect my boundaries and would barge into my room without knocking, look through my things etc.

I cant get my head around it. The more I think about it the more I feel it wasn't right IYSWM?

OP posts:
angell84 · 06/10/2019 20:33

I don't think it was intended to be abuse, and I actually don't think it would be defined as abuse by law. They were in a different room. I think that some adults put the children to bed, and then forget about them. And do their own thing. I can see that it would be hurtful, but I really don't think it would be intended to be abusive, more that the parents get caught up in the moment and forget about the kids next door.

The only scenario that I was in that was the same - I had a boyfriend with a five year old son. His son slept in the bedroom next to us, and my boyfriend would leave both doors open. When we were going to have sex, I got up to close the bedroom door so the child would not hear, and my boyfriend said to me - "you don't need to do that". He didn't think it was a big deal. I still closed the door

SunshineAngel · 06/10/2019 20:34

I don't know who the hell would want their kids listening. We try and be quiet when we have sex, and try to make sure DSS will definitely be asleep (he's 16 so will know full well what he's hearing if he does haha).

Despite all efforts, we got up one morning, and over breakfast he said "You know, I CAN hear what goes on in your room from my room."

I was absolutely mortified, and we now wait until he's at his mum's (or sometimes during the day if my partner is off work!)

WitchySWorker · 06/10/2019 20:38

Weird comments about 'getting off on other people hearing'
its my goal to have a detached isolated house so I can do what I want when the child flies the nest lol

I'd be more concerned about women being stone cold quiet during sex.
I don't feel weird or strange if my neighbours or my parents are having sex loudly because it doesn't concern me.
I know they are human and I think, 'good for them'

SomewhereInbetween1 · 06/10/2019 20:41

It is something you can control. Try harder.

NarwhalsNarwhals · 06/10/2019 20:41

Yes it is very weird.

I have 7 siblings, most of which are 10+ years younger than me, so as a teen it was fairly obvious my parents were having sex coz of the keep getting pregnant, I never heard them though, I would have been horrified because its bad enough knowing your parents have sex without having to listen to it.

angell84 · 06/10/2019 20:42

To the person above me who said that she doesnt mind having loud neighbours who have sex.

You have obviously never have had the sex neighbours from hell!

One house that I lived in - The neighbours would have sex three times a night, very, very loudly.
"Oh jimmy"
Oh jimmy
OH JIMMY!!!!!
agggggghhhhh

And you just when you think it has stopped, it starts again for another hour. Nightmare

angell84 · 06/10/2019 20:44

Their headboard was right behind my headboard - house to house, so the thumps of their headboard used to make my headboard shake in the next house

angell84 · 06/10/2019 20:46

I wonder why the poster on here felt that she needed to share - that she orgasms multiple times every time. What a brag!

NerrSnerr · 06/10/2019 20:47

Of course it's something you can control. Those of us who have experienced this as a child on this thread won't be exposing our children to the same because we know how it feels.

SimonJT · 06/10/2019 20:49

It really isn’t difficult to have quiet sex, if my son is at home there is no way he would hear us as we’re really quiet, if he isn’t at home it’s a different matter.

It really isn’t difficult.

TheCatsACunt · 06/10/2019 20:49

It's not something I can physically control... Now I have a child obviously I keep her in mind and have my ways of staying quiet

So you can control it.

ooooohbetty · 06/10/2019 20:54

I'd be more concerned about women being stone cold quiet during sex*

Why would this concern you? Not everyone likes to pretend they are in a porn film. And I agree that it's very easy to control.

Divebar · 06/10/2019 20:58

justasking111

Being naked in front of children cannot be compared to some of the acts described here- it isn’t intrinsically sexual for a start. I sleep naked as does my DH and sometimes DD7 if it’s hot. I don’t parade around naked particularly but I wouldn’t have a problem being seen by my DD. Why would you say you think it’s wrong?

Original poster
ManonBlackbeak · 06/10/2019 21:01

Of course you can control it! Maybe its because of my uprbinging, but I think people who have very loud sex are weird. Fact is, no one else wants to hear you shagging.

As for the 'hard multiple orgasms all the damn time' brag, no one does that either.

OP posts:
angell84 · 06/10/2019 21:01

@divebar I saw my dad naked one time, and it scarred me. It did hurt me. He got undressed in front of me and he shouldn't have done it.

It is NOT ok for children to see parents naked

ILearnedItFromABook · 06/10/2019 21:06

There's a world of difference between some muffled sounds when the children are presumed asleep and the abusive forcing of intentionally loud noises on children who have no way of escaping (and are often too young to understand what they're hearing).

If you can't control how loud you are Hmm, you need to be darn sure you have a sound-proofed room or simply don't "engage" when some other poor soul is in hearing distance. Other people don't care how many times you orgasm, or how powerful or otherworldly the experience is, but we don't need to hear it, and that goes double for your poor children!

Drabarni · 06/10/2019 21:23

I'm not saying they were right at all, but how do you all think families ended up with 12 kids in little terraces. They must have done it in front of the kids.
I guess it's not a problem today with earphones.
How do any of us know if our kids can hear us, unless you don't make a murmur.
Swinging from the chandeliers is a bit weird when there's kids awake though.

VanGoghsDog · 06/10/2019 21:27

Sorry to the posters saying that as adults we should rationalise it now - you don't get to minimise the abuse or how it made us feel.

My parents most definitely knew we could hear, we were banned from closing our doors and they never closed theirs. I could hear my dad telling my mum to be louder.
They had sex in front of us, he groped her in front of us. They sent us off to play on the common while they shagged behind a bush. He pulled her knickers down when she was washing up and she stood with them round her ankles in the middle of the day. He took her tit out at the dinner table and tried to shove it in a wine glass.

So, no, I can't rationalise any of it and it was an abusive environment. The sex was only one part of it but even that on its own was horrible.

MysweetAudrina · 06/10/2019 21:28

It is ok for kids to see parents naked. Of course it is.

Dd waited until we were all sitting down to dinner before she announced that she could hear us " doing it" and then she started imitating the sounds she heard. I was more embarrassed than she was.

RhinoskinhaveI · 06/10/2019 21:34

VanGogh
What you describe from your childhood is appalling 😔
I'm so sorry that your parents subjected you to such an abusive environment💐

angell84 · 06/10/2019 21:36

It is NOT ok for kids to see parents naked. Would it be ok for them to see any other adult naked. No. Then why do you think that it would be ok for them to see you naked.

I am still upset from the one time that I saw my father naked.

Closetbeanmuncher · 06/10/2019 21:36

Jesus Christ @VanGoghsDog what a pair of demented leg humpers....you poor soul.

bigfatmoggy · 06/10/2019 21:39

I think it's totally inappropriate! My sisters and I used to cringe at the thought of my parents ever DTD, although my DB (whose room was above theirs) said he sometimes heard them and thought it was funny! This was in our teens. I'm sure they'd hate to think anyone heard them ever, it's cringey at best and personally I would have found it it really creepy! I really feel for all those of you who had to put up with loud and indiscreet events on a regular basis. What sort of parent would ever think that was OK?

RhinoskinhaveI · 06/10/2019 21:40

I don't know about demented leg humpers they sound a bit Fred and Rose West to me....😟

formerbabe · 06/10/2019 21:40

Grim

Many years ago I remember waiting on a train platform for my train to work...early morning so a pretty busy platform, overlooked by a block of flats. Someone in said flats had their window open and proceeded to have very loud sex...which could be clearly heard by everyone on the platform. It was so graphic...the highlight being the woman screaming "lick it Darren, lick it". Shock. Meanwhile everyone on the platform were very British about it and pretended nothing was happening

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