To think having really loud, noisy sex when your children are just a few feet away is creepy and wrong?

[ManonBlackbeak]

Im working through a few unresolved issues relating to my childhood at the moment, and this is something that's suddenly come to the forefront of my mind. Im firmly prepared to be told that Im being unreasonable or stupid.

Throughout my childhood and teen years my parents would have really loud sex at night when DB and I were in our rooms just a few feet away. I'd love to say that they assumed we were asleep, but often they knew full well that I was not as they'd pop their heads around the door to say goodnight before getting down to it!

Im not one of these people who thinks my parents never had sex, or should never have done it but there was very little in the way of discrete. We are not just talking the sound of a headboard banging against the wall either, we are talking about full on loud porn movie like shrieking from my DM.

The more I think about it the more weird and sort of off it seems. I don't have kids, but if I did I'd be horrified if they ever over heard me having sex. Actually I'd be pretty red faced if anyone did. But then the next morning DM would face us as always with zero embarassment.

Without drip feeding. DM is difficult, Im starting to believe my upbringing was a bit toxic. I believe she has undiagnosed mental health problems, and she was unpredictable, moody and emotionally unavialble to me. She also didn't respect my boundaries and would barge into my room without knocking, look through my things etc.

I cant get my head around it. The more I think about it the more I feel it wasn't right IYSWM?

nudity is very different. i honestly think it's nice if there's a degree of openness around that

Nice in what way? I found it disgusting as a child to see my parents naked...there was nothing sinister going on...I just found it vile.

I totally identify with this.
My parents were (and still are) very overtly sexual.
I remember my dad putting his hand down my mums too whilst kissing her when I was in the same room sat on the sofa.
I remember the anxiety waiting to hear if it was a ‘sex night’ - also remember my friend being round the play at around 8 and them rolling around the floor downstairs ‘being tickled’ - we were playing upstairs at the time but came down because of the noise.

I remember my friends at a sleepover finding my dads porn collection (in the old days of video tapes!) and finding sex toys.

It has fucked me up for life, and relationships.
Whenever I tried to bring it up my mum would say ‘but aren’t you glad we don’t argue and we still love each other?’

I don’t think it’s “healthy” for children to be around exposed adult genitals. You might be fine with that but that doesn’t mean other children in the same situation would be. You clearly have lax familial boundaries, as I don’t want to see my parents naked at all, unless there was an emergency.

People that grew up without seeing their fully naked parents can, shock horror, have normal dating lives and normal self esteem! It’s odd that you think children should learn about ‘imperfect naked bodies’ from, of all people, their naked family members.

They will surely come to terms with the concept of nudity naturally, most likely as they go though puberty or start dating. Being self conscious of your body is normal for teenagers so the pressure of seeing ‘perfect’ bodies will always be there. No teenager is suddenly going to feel body confident after seeing their dad’s penis/mum’s breasts. It’s something they will come to terms with in their own time.

There's a middle way between wandering around the house naked and always making sure you're completely covered up when the DC are around. DS has seen me naked - if it's just us in the house and I want a shower I leave the door unlocked in case he needs me for something and he has been known to come in to tell me something vitally important that absolutely couldn't wait ( ). I'd prefer privacy, but the day I lock the door will be the one day he genuinely has something urgent to tell me! Also when he was younger and couldn't be left alone I'd obviously have to keep him in with me while getting dressed.

My parents were the same. I did see them naked occasionally, particularly when I was very young and hadn't learned to knock, but no big deal was ever made of it and it didn't scar me. I guess it depends on the people involved and family dynamics.

(Also heard my DPs having sex a couple of times, but I was a teenager, knew what they were doing, they were clearly trying to be quiet and would reasonably have thought we were asleep given that it was always around 1 or 2 am. Also no shared walls. Still awkward when you need the loo though.)

Totally agree mnthrowaway2099 seeing my mum and dad naked did not magically turn me into a body positive adult, not did seeing the "perfect" bodies in the media make me want to spend my years living in a potato sack because I was ashamed.

I'm not suggesting parents expose their genitals to their children, but it's interesting how you have interpreted a parent showing their body in the context of normal daily activities (getting dressed, bathing) in that way.
Also curious as to why you find it odd a child should learn that we come in all different shapes and sizes from what hopefully is a safe family environment.
The thread was about parents having noisy sex, conflating noisy sex with nudity seems to be coming from people that don't understand the difference between healthy context specific nudity and boundary breaking exposure.

OP, your father was complicit in this abuse too. As are all the men mentioned by other posters.

But why exactly do children need to be around “healthy context specific nudity?” Why is this at all necessary for their upbringing? It’s inappropriate at best, perverse at worst.

If a child walks in on an undressed parent, fair enough that’s an a unexpected one off thing. But as suggested in this thread, some of you had to deal with your naked parents regularly or for extended periods of time rather than the aforementioned one-off situation for the sake of ‘nudity being normal’ or to ‘learn body positivity’

As someone said previously, there is a power imbalance between adults and children. What if the child actually feels uncomfortable about this “healthy context specific nudity” as many people in this thread do? It hardly takes long to put underwear or a dressing gown on, you can do that easily when walking to/from a bathroom.

I found it disgusting as a child to see my parents naked...there was nothing sinister going on...I just found it vile

This is an unusually over the top reaction to seeing your parents naked ( as you say with nothing sinister going on). I’ve taught dozens of classes for professionals around child protection and safeguarding and even those people who were very uncomfortable about nudity in their family didn’t use language like that ( embarrassing yes, vile no). They tended to be in the minority. Most people thought bathing with small children or seeing parents in and around the shower / bath to be perfectly usual and uneventful. This has a way of naturally tapering off as the child gets older. It’s certainly not something that would be considered harmful to a child unless there was obviously some sexual intent behind the nudity. Certainly conversations about everyday,” going about my own business” nakedness have no relation to some of the massively inappropriate sexual activity disclosed on this thread.

God some of the stories on here are horrific :( some people are fucking disgraceful and shouldn't be parents.

My ex's parents did this the first time I ever visited them. I was mortified when they wished us goodnight, went upstairs and shagged loudly for an hour. We were 18 at the time, but my although my ex was a bit grossed out by it he refused to believe that my parents didn't also do this! He said his parents had always done this so he assumed everyone's mum and dad kept their kids awake doing this.

I think it's grim, especially if you're doing this when your teenagers are fully aware of what is going on and they are sat there with their mates. His parents thought it was everyone else who was uptight and repressed though.

This thread has been really cathartic for me. Im pleasantly surprised that Im not the only person who experienced this as a child and teen, and actually when reading some of the other stories on here I think I probably got off fairly lightly. I don't ever recall seeing my parents naked (Thank God!), and my parents didn't even kiss or hold hands in front of us. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that my DM was actually pretty prudish, which makes it all the more strange really.

On refelection this is probably why Im struggling to accept it as deliberate and/or abusive, although I can see why people think it was and I think Im possibly just not ready to admit that to myself yet? I still think it was more a lack of respect for me as an indiviual and and a lack of respect for my boundaries.

mnthroaway2099.
Would you care to elaborate on what is inappropriate, or perverse about a child seeing their parent naked as they go about their ordinary activities in the privacy of their own home?
If a child is upset, or traumatised seeing their parents naked, then they are picking that message up from the parent. Young children aren't inherently upset at the sight of a naked body.
Regarding my own attitude I personally believe it helps children to grow up with a sensible and mature attitude towards their own bodies and nudity in general, modelling appropriate nudity helps children and in turn adults understand the difference between acceptable and unacceptable exposure, which you don't seem to have a good grasp of.

*thecabbageassasin"
The difference is your attitude is based on your own theory. mnthroaway2099 is speaking from experience. Please don't minimise her feelings.

Somewhereinbetween1. What about my own feelings. I've been accused of having lax family boundaries, and this poster seems to be ok with throwing accusations of highly inappropriate and perverse at posters that are in disagreement with their own viewpoint.

Why the arguing over seeing parents naked? People will always have a difference in opinion, and no one has to explain anything to satisfy another's curiosity. Some of us have had very messed up childhoods which is why we feel the way we do.

I don't ever recall seeing my parents naked (Thank God!), and my parents didn't even kiss or hold hands in front of us.

It sounds as if you're grateful that you weren't exposed to these things, and that the repeated loud sex was preferable to these ^^

I find that boggling.

I saw my parents naked, in a completely normalised way (i.e. walking from bathroom to bedroom). They also always kissed hello and goodbye, and yes, held hands from time-to-time.

I had a happy, easy, loving childhood raised by two caring, happily married parents who were best friends and did everything in our best interest.

I think never seeing your parents express completely innocent love and care to each other via a quick kiss or holding of hands is way more sterile and fucked up.

I am the opposite of traumatised by my parents interactions, it was all part of the loving wallpaper of my childhood.

Neron. Because some posters don't understand the difference between inappropriate noisy sex between parents and everyday, mundane nudity and they have brought it into the discussion.

I think never seeing your parents express completely innocent love and care to each other via a quick kiss or holding of hands is way more sterile and fucked up.

Yeah, my parents never did that normal day to day affectionate stuff.

I don't think there's anything wrong with young children seeing naked parents, don't quite know how it can be avoided really. I always used to bathe with mine and get dressed etc, so did husband, no one thought anything of it but of course it lessened and then stopped as it does when children reach a certain age.

We were not noisy about sex with a child around but I doubt any noise would have travelled through the wall anyway.

Never saw either of my parents naked :-). Nor did I hear them having sex, not once. Different era.

What's the norm for one person isn't the norm for another though, it isn't about not understanding differences. Sometimes people have opinions that others think are batshit. Neither of you are wrong, just entitled to your own.
Me personally, my naked parents made me feel uncomfortable but it could be because of what else I endured, or it might just be because that's just me. How I felt then is also different to how I feel now, naked bodies don't induce the same feelings as they did then.

I reminded of a thread where MNers we're discussing the necessity of changing sanpro in front of children, and many were saying they hated seeing their mum do it.

I never saw my Mum doing that, and wouldn't dream of doing it in front of my kids (managed over a decade without needing to).

Some of these stories are grim. What the fuck is wrong with some people? I feel for those who had to witness/hear this when children

I saw mine naked and it wasn't any big deal, as in going to from shower etc. I do the same myself. It's just a body. But hearing the shagging was horrible! Agree it is a boundary thing, I'm not sure I was allowed those, having my diary read was a particular low point. Solidarity to others who suffered this. It's hard and I'm not sure you ever get over it, I just work around it and try and remember I am doing better.

My parents and me and my siblings ued to be naked all the time as chidren. It wasnt remotely sexual (if anything my parents were secretive about sex) but when I tell people now they find it weird and Im not sure if I should. I still often see my mum naked and it doesnt even register.