Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think having really loud, noisy sex when your children are just a few feet away is creepy and wrong?

171 replies

ManonBlackbeak · 06/10/2019 17:57

Im working through a few unresolved issues relating to my childhood at the moment, and this is something that's suddenly come to the forefront of my mind. Im firmly prepared to be told that Im being unreasonable or stupid.

Throughout my childhood and teen years my parents would have really loud sex at night when DB and I were in our rooms just a few feet away. I'd love to say that they assumed we were asleep, but often they knew full well that I was not as they'd pop their heads around the door to say goodnight before getting down to it!

Im not one of these people who thinks my parents never had sex, or should never have done it but there was very little in the way of discrete. We are not just talking the sound of a headboard banging against the wall either, we are talking about full on loud porn movie like shrieking from my DM.

The more I think about it the more weird and sort of off it seems. I don't have kids, but if I did I'd be horrified if they ever over heard me having sex. Actually I'd be pretty red faced if anyone did. But then the next morning DM would face us as always with zero embarassment.

Without drip feeding. DM is difficult, Im starting to believe my upbringing was a bit toxic. I believe she has undiagnosed mental health problems, and she was unpredictable, moody and emotionally unavialble to me. She also didn't respect my boundaries and would barge into my room without knocking, look through my things etc.

I cant get my head around it. The more I think about it the more I feel it wasn't right IYSWM?

OP posts:
Redspider1 · 06/10/2019 21:43

@angell84 I see nothing wrong with seeing parents naked. We didn’t exactly walk about proudly but shared a bath with my toddler ( her request) and we were open when getting dressed if a child wandered in. Naturally as DC get older they avoid those situations!

Littlelegs991 · 06/10/2019 21:53

My mum did things like this. She would start with her partner late on at night and be literally screaming the house down and talking dirty to her partner and waking me from my sleep with her noises. It was utterly disgusting. I just laid there and had to listen to it because I didn’t want to cause embarrassment by knocking on the door and asking them to be quiet. I didn’t live with my mother for much longer due to other reasons but as an adult I look back and see it was a sign of disrespect because why would you want to have your kids hear you having sex. I wouldn’t dream of it. It’s wrong.

Lifeisabeach09 · 06/10/2019 21:54

It is NOT ok for kids to see parents naked.

My DD (9) has seen me naked many times. She also bathes and showers with me on occasion. We are quite relaxed about nudity but that is how we choose to live.

Where we live, a naked bike ride is held each year in aid of charity. Dozens of people ride around town in the buff. We've watched it--we find it hilarious.

A naked man in our apartment, we would not be comfortable with.

A naked man or woman sunbathing on the beach--would raise our eyebrows and make us laugh but wouldn't bother us.

So context is everything.

OooErMissus · 06/10/2019 21:56

It is NOT ok for kids to see parents naked.

I can imagine that if you saw it one time, it stuck out and scarred you.

But if the nudity was normal and non-descript, i.e. walking from the bathroom to bedroom to get dressed, then it's perfectly OK.

My parents did that, and I didn't bat an eyelid. I don't remember it happening once we hit (pre-)teens, but I am completely relaxed and OK about the naked human body - it is perfectly normal. Confused

And it's such a far cry from the stories being shared on this thread. Thanks

ToEarlyForDecorations · 06/10/2019 21:56

angell84

Is it only threads with a sexual content that interest you ?

Lifeisabeach09 · 06/10/2019 21:59

@VanGoghsDog

What you experienced was FUCKED UP!

Have some Flowers.

mnthrowaway2099 · 06/10/2019 22:01

Depending on your age, attitudes toward this may have been culturally different when you were a child.

By today’s standards, which I agree with, this could be seen as abuse and perverse. I’m sure it’s illegal to expose children to sexual content, having extremely loud sex next door and essentially forcing them to listen to you/knowing they can hear you would count. It’s inappropriate and could easily make a child feel uncomfortable, it’s not like they can just pop out of the house.

It doesn’t matter if it’s both parents having sex together, it’s just as inappropriate as the mother/father was having loud sex with a random person.

thecabbageassasin · 06/10/2019 22:06

My family are probably more on the dysfunctional side, but didn’t grow up listening to loud sex noises and would in no way consider it acceptable for children, or anyone else for that matter to listen to loud sex. It is not the norm.
My parents where, despite their godawful relationship, quite comfortable being naked in front of us, in the context of getting dressed, or getting out the bath etc.. which in turn has made me comfortable with my own body. . Teaching children that they need to hide their bodies is not very healthy imo.

Higgeldypiggeldy35 · 06/10/2019 22:10

It's sexual abuse. I've done safe guarding training for my job and if a child told me that I would be referring to social services. Sorry you had to go through that. Maybe some councilling would help you work through these memories

angell84 · 06/10/2019 22:55

@ToEarlyForDecorations hmmm.

I am looking at the last three threads that I've posted on. One was about Prince Harry.

So..no

lostonadustyrock · 06/10/2019 23:11

I’m sorry to all those who experienced this as kids.

As PPs have said, it’s about the intention. A one off, bit louder than should have been? Got carried away.
Repeated regularly, doors left open, effort made to ensure you could hear? That could well be classed as grooming.

If a child came to me in my capacity as a teacher and told me that his or her parents were repeatedly and deliberately exposing them to their sex life, that would certainly be a child protection issue.

IncrediblySadToo · 06/10/2019 23:41

@angell84

It is NOT ok for children to see parents naked

Bullshit. It’s perfectly normal & natural. If it was normal in your household you wouldn’t be so bothered about having seen your father naked.

IncrediblySadToo · 06/10/2019 23:44

I’m sorry so many of you had such awful childhoods, with dysfunctional/abusive parents 💐

RhinoskinhaveI · 06/10/2019 23:57

I agree it's grooming, it's normalising the exposure of children to acts which should be private and strictly between consenting adults.
It's an abuse of power for an adult to put a child in a situation where they feel confused, uncomfortable and embarrassed but are unable to do anything about it because of the power imbalance between parents and children....it's very hard for a child to call an adult out on their behaviour.
it sends a message to the child that it's ok for others to just casually humiliate them and act as if they don't exist or as if their feelings don't matter

Patienceisvirtuous · 07/10/2019 00:05

This thread is awful.

I agree that it’s definitely abusive behaviour.

Some humans really are disgusting.

BiMum5 · 07/10/2019 00:22

Not my parents but my aunt and uncle used to walk around naked when I went away on holiday with them. I remember one instance when we were staying with another family, friends of theirs and my uncle stood naked in the doorway of the bedroom, called across to his friend, "Jack! Jack! 'Night! " I was in the same room with them and their kids. It was only as an adult that I thought "Wtf?"

ReadyPayerTwo · 07/10/2019 01:03

I was about to go to bed when I came across this, so just to say I'm so sorry you experienced this as a child. That's awful Thanks

angell84 · 07/10/2019 01:31

@IncrediblySadToo re. Seeing premts naked.
I really don't think that it is ok. Why should I have to see a grown man's penis at age 7. It upset me. Why should any child. Parents don't really stop to think.

morrisseysquif · 07/10/2019 01:43

Never had this. But to hav family members do this is foul,

I did have my sister shagging a friend of mine in the bed we were all flaked out on after a party.

I woke to hear them at it - went off in disgust to get home at 4am in London with no clue as I was 5 miles from home) and they carried on (so she told me, it wasn't about me, it was about her)

Just not nice.

formerbabe · 07/10/2019 07:30

When it comes to nudity...I dislike gratuitous nudity in front of other people, especially children. However, I don't want them to grow up dreadfully repressed either. So whilst I'm not going to lose the plot if my dc walk in on me getting dressed, I wouldn't walk round the house naked...it's just as easy to throw on a dressing gown. There's no need really.

My parents were fairly liberal and whilst I never was subjected to any of the awful stuff discussed here, they would walk round naked occasionally and leave the toilet door open..I absolutely hated it and found it disgusting.

mnthrowaway2099 · 07/10/2019 08:51

Why should I have to see a grown man's penis at age 7.

This ^ I agree that it’s grim for children to see adults naked. Parents in their underwear or a dressing gown perhaps, but they really shouldn’t be exposed to full nudity and genitalia. My parents were never like this so this is so abnormal to me.

HumptyDumptyHadAGreatFall · 07/10/2019 09:30

When it comes to nudity, my mother used to walk around naked between bathroom and her room or even sometimes downstairs to grab something! I certainly wasn't traumatised by it!
I once walked in on my parents sharing a bath, I thought they were trying to save water and didn't think much else of it. I think loud noisy sex if you know your child is awake I'd rather odd. I can understand if you got carried away and thought they were asleep.

rattusrattus20 · 07/10/2019 09:42

honestly dreadful. i suppose forgive it if they had OP youn & were in say their mid 20s when this was going on but later in life people need to have some sense.

rattusrattus20 · 07/10/2019 09:48

nudity is very different. i honestly think it's nice if there's a degree of openness around that.

thecabbageassasin · 07/10/2019 10:18

@mnthrowaway2099. That's why you think its abnormal, because you weren't exposed to it in a healthy way.
Would be interested to know at what age and under what circumstances you feel it is appropriate for them see other naked humans. Do you wait until they're sexually active, or perhaps let them learn by looking at the perfect bodies you see in the media and on our TV screens ?