To think having really loud, noisy sex when your children are just a few feet away is creepy and wrong?

[ManonBlackbeak]

Im working through a few unresolved issues relating to my childhood at the moment, and this is something that's suddenly come to the forefront of my mind. Im firmly prepared to be told that Im being unreasonable or stupid.

Throughout my childhood and teen years my parents would have really loud sex at night when DB and I were in our rooms just a few feet away. I'd love to say that they assumed we were asleep, but often they knew full well that I was not as they'd pop their heads around the door to say goodnight before getting down to it!

Im not one of these people who thinks my parents never had sex, or should never have done it but there was very little in the way of discrete. We are not just talking the sound of a headboard banging against the wall either, we are talking about full on loud porn movie like shrieking from my DM.

The more I think about it the more weird and sort of off it seems. I don't have kids, but if I did I'd be horrified if they ever over heard me having sex. Actually I'd be pretty red faced if anyone did. But then the next morning DM would face us as always with zero embarassment.

Without drip feeding. DM is difficult, Im starting to believe my upbringing was a bit toxic. I believe she has undiagnosed mental health problems, and she was unpredictable, moody and emotionally unavialble to me. She also didn't respect my boundaries and would barge into my room without knocking, look through my things etc.

I cant get my head around it. The more I think about it the more I feel it wasn't right IYSWM?

Im glad somebody else said the Fred and Rose thing first. Very much so.

I had insomnia for two years after the first time I heard my parents having sex. I got the most awful anxiety at night time, couldn't get to sleep, my heart would be racing and I'd be hyperventilating. Even thinking about it now is making me anxious! I know logically it's silly but it was incredibly traumatising. I eventually confessed to my mum what was causing my sleepless nights and she laughed and said "your grandparents still do it!" Shudder.

I had an abusive childhood generally and have quite alot of issues around sex, being 35 and a virgin. My mother told me as a child that women didn't enjoy sex but that it was a woman's duty to her husband. She'd frequently sleep in my bed to avoid sex and so I knew that when she had to leave my bed and she'd make it clear she felt disgusted and upset that she was having to force herself to have sex with my father who was unfaithful and fathered a child with another woman. This was between the ages of 8 and young adulthood. Whilst on holiday they frequently had sex when I was in the same room as them. I was around 11 and going through puberty and I was feeling horrible and awkward in my own changing body, worried about one day having to force myself to have sex as it was my duty and crying for my mother because I thought she was not enjoying it. I just remember deep feelings of revulsion. Horrible time.

I'd have loved to have had parents who were genuinely more affectionate and lovey lovey but it was all the weirder because I never saw them kiss or hold hands or be generally affectionate in day to day life.

Very sick relationship.

And I do think that it's wrong to intentionally make kids aware of your sex life or not even attempt to be quiet. Getting caught is one thing that's really not a big deal and that happens to most people. Showing no regards to boundaries or appropriateness is very wrong.

I could of so written this post. I remember shouting at mine to stop making a noise before I was too young to know what the noise meant but they never did. I remember sharing hotel rooms and being woken by noise and too scared to move. As I got older and realised what noise meant it disgusted me not helped by my dm never having the talk with me and being mortified when she realised I was doing it. Niw as a mum I really go out my way to make sure dh and I are discreet as I still remember all those nights. Never viewed it as abuse but reading on here I can see how even if they didn't mean it ad such they could of done more if they wished to be discreet

Child accidentally hearing parents have sex - not ideal but one of those things.

Parents engaging in sex knowing children will hear it - I agree with those who have said it’s a form of abuse.

It sounds as if you're grateful that you weren't exposed to these things, and that the repeated loud sex was preferable to these ^^

No. I didn't mean it like that. I was trying to say that they hid everything else from us, never kissing or cuddling or never being undressed in front of us, but couldn't (or wouldn't) contol the noisy sex.

I remember one morning my parents weren't speaking. I was quite young and I asked what was the matter, and my mum said "after sex he just rolls over and ignores me". I mean....... 🙄

We took DSD on holiday for the first time in a static van on a campsite when she was 9. There was a massive storm one night. Very noisy. The whole van was shaking. She knocked on the dividing wall and asked us tearfully to stop making so much noise. She was really upset.

Of course the poor girl was being exposed to very loud sex at home and didn't realize it was the van making the noise.

We knew my DSD's mum was dating lots of men but when we questioned DSD gently it turned out there was a different man overnight every weekend and her DM was making no effort to shield the poor child from loud drunken sex. Or naked men using the kitchen and bathroom in the night. DSD and her DM lived in a tiny one bedroom flat. Her DM slept in the living room. The poor kid was scared to use the loo. We were horrified.

It was very difficult. There wasn't much we could do. We're talking more than 20 years ago and my DH hadn't been married to his Ex. We took legal advice. We had no chance of getting my DSD to live with us and if we alienated her DM we might not see DSD again, and wouldn't be able to do anything to help her. But you can imagine how much we worried.

My DSD is happily married with DC now. She's understandably extremely protective of her DC.

@TheSheepofWallSt I could have written that myself. It's crap isn't it?

Non-contact sexual abuse is defined by the NSPCC as "exposing a child to sexual acts". Your parents have clearly done that. I am very sorry you had to experience that.

www.nspcc.org.uk/what-is-child-abuse/types-of-abuse/child-sexual-abuse/

I am really shocked that there us so many of us that went through this. OP, thank you so much for starting this thread

I think it's utterly creepy because it treats children as though their feelings either don;t matter or don't exist.

I'm really surprised at the strength of feeling over parental nudity. I have had to change san pro in front of my toddlers as they have to come in the cubicle with me when we are out and about. I also don't make a specific effort to cover up in my own bedroom / bathroom and the kids do come in and strike up conversations or brush their teeth. Perhaps the difference is that I would never intentionally go into a space where they already were if I was naked, though. My 7 year old likes to sleep in my bed sometimes and she does like me to be in pants and a pyjama top if she's sleeping in with me, as opposed to just pants, which is fine. My 5 year old will come in during the night and doesn't care at all. I think that's probably age related.

My mum and dad were pretty chilled about nudity and I found going to stay at my grandparents' awkward because they'd get up and dressed immediately so they were "decent" rather than let us have a relaxing morning in dressing gowns. My grandad used to shout "I'M IN HERE!" if we walked near the bathroom door which was way more scary and over the top than a glimpse of flesh in my opinion. Obviously as we got older it's different, I think older kids and teens do value privacy both ways.

I think overhearing or walking in on parents having sex quietly and privately is totally different to the... erm... displays that some parents seem to have put on for their DC. That is absolutely vile.

@dcirozhuntley all I can say personally, is that seeing my Dad naked - really upset and scared me. I still remember it as one of the scary moments of my childhood. He undressed and changed in front of me - when he could have done it privately in the bathroom.

I think it is always best to ask children what is comfortable for them

Sorry I don’t agree with that. If you’d grown up in a household which was more open about nudity in the way described by DCIRoz you just wouldn’t have given it a second thought. It must have been a very unusual event for you to still remember it many years later.

Yes, DCIRozHuntley, I've been surprised by the strong feelings about parental nudity. DH and I were very relaxed about nudity when the DC were small. We all used to sleep naked in the summertime.

We gradually covered up as the DC started to became more self conscious, which children seem to do naturally as they grow - shutting the bathroom door, etc.

However as a toddler DS1 used to watch me in the shower and roll on the floor, helpless with laughter. Good thing I'm fairly confident!

Jesus @Neron did your parents have no bloody dignity you poor thing. Honestly, I know sex is natural but there's no need to do it in front of your kids

Jesus @Neron did your parents have no bloody dignity you poor thing. Honestly, I know sex is natural but there's no need to do it in front of your kids

On the other hands I don't think I'd care about housemates - presumably they can't afford to live alone so I think they're entitled to have loud sex if they occasionally want to. It's the fact they're your parents and you're children that I find grim

Although I don't see nudity so badly. - I walked around naked until I was about 14 and my mum told me to put some bloody clothes on.

@LemonPrism I've sort of come to terms with it now. My parents have only ever thought of themselves and it's evident throughout my whole life. When my DF committed suicide, DM got worse and tried to justify it by saying things like it's natural/only playing/I'll understand when I'm older/she can do as she likes, she's the adult etc. Even as a young adult living at home, she'd still be bringing back all her boyfriend's knowing full well it would wake me and that I was up early for work. We'd have screaming matches every time yet she still done it. She was a selfish bitch, always has and will be

Oh god, an old boyfriend of mine had a mother like that.

She wasn’t with his dad for long, and had a catalogue of failed relationships his entire life. Evidently she was very noisy and overt about her sex life.

He lived in an annex to her house and she would come over and tell him that ‘john’ had just been over and she was exhausted so don’t visit, haha.

Or she’d come over wrapped in a towel saying she was waiting for the water to heat up to run her post-sex bath. And she’d insist on making a cup of tea for us all, occasionally ‘accidentally’ letting the towel drop.

I told him it was more than weird behaviour. It had disgusted him but it never occurred to him that it was a form of abuse. But the penny dropped after a while.