Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's fair to alternate X-mas between our families

111 replies

jamontoast2 · 06/10/2019 09:13

Been together five years get married in two months. Last years was the first xmas we spent together. I had felt we'd discussed ongoing plans of alternating X-mas with out families each year and re-discussing when we had kids. So last year I go to DP's for X-mas, nice time but I missed my family.

This year fMIL mentions a few times about X-mas with the assumption that DP will be there, and DP doesn't correct her. So I ask DP, in private, what's going on as I assumed we were at mt family's this X-mas. DP doesn't want to talk about it - keeps putting it off as it's 'too stressful' to think about. This goes on for about a month. When pressed a then gets defensive saying that me and my mum have no right to lay claim to DP's time like that. Denies all knowlege that we'd ever agreed to alternate. Ask's us to look for compromises - proposes Christmas apart, or that my family do X-mas early so we can return to DP's family for main X-mas days.

For me X-mas apart is not how I'd envisaged spending X-mas two weeks after getting married. For context we live 5 mins up the road from DP's family so see them ALL the time, but 1hr30 from my family so see them less. Also we both work shifts so if at work have to stay at home near DP's family, but this year we're both not working.

For me this is a no brainer and DP is being unreasonable but am I being unreasonable and fixed?

OP posts:
superram · 06/10/2019 09:14

Yanbu and he needs to cut the apron strings. Once you have kids you may stay at home.

NoSquirrels · 06/10/2019 09:16

YANBU.

DP is being selfish (if he’s the one who can’t have Christmas elsewhere) or a coward (if he’s scared of MIL’s reaction).

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 06/10/2019 09:16

Christmas in your own home; invite both sets. You can play the newlywed card and be excited to host - it's a good opportunity to set up the expectation that, actually, you're married and will always have Christmas together.

IncrediblySadToo · 06/10/2019 09:16

YANBU

But to be honest, given the way he thinks, I’d be reconsidering getting married to him. Not over Christmas Orr de, but his attitude to you/your family/compromise or lack of!

Bucatini · 06/10/2019 09:17

YANBU at all, and I would stay firm about this one as it's important to get lines in the sand early on in a marriage regarding how your families feature in your lives, as it can be a source of conflict.

Ask him why you can't see DP's parents before Xmas and then go to yours for the day itself (as he suggested but the other way around)?

Mac47 · 06/10/2019 09:18

This is the crap people need to work out before marriage or you will be on here in 20 years complaining you have done 21 Christmases without your family. Of course alternate is fair but if your DP is being a knob about it now, the knobbishness will continue.

MonaLisaDoesntSmile · 06/10/2019 09:19

He is being unreasonable.
Go and spend Xmas with your fmail, or tell him that HIS fmaily needs to organise Xmas early to accomodate for the fact you will be going to your parents. And tell him once you have kids, every Xmas will be spent with your folk and that you have already decided on that, hehe.

MimiSunshine · 06/10/2019 09:19

He does remember the conversation because that’s why he’s been so defensive and refused to talk about it for it for so long.

I’d just tell him that you both spent Christmas with his family last year with the plan to alternate to yours this year and he is fully aware of that.
So you’ll be going to your family as planned and he can decide to stick to the arrangement or not but he should be aware that you won’t forget the decision he makes here and it’s an important one in your relationship and how who he chooses to prioritise (you or MIL) for the future.

As his family live so close, you could suggest seeing them on Christmas Eve at some point but I would be standing firm on the plans for Christmas Day because otherwise once you’ve had kids it'll only be one harder to stop the expectation that you spend it with his parents if you carry on

Hopoindown31 · 06/10/2019 09:19

You are absolutely right. You are a unit now so you should be going to these kind of family occasions together. It's a boundary you need to establish now don't let this turn into accepting gaslighting. You DP sounds like a bit of a people pleaser and has got himself into some mess by agreeing one thing with you and one thing with mumsy. That is his problem to sort out.

Unfortunately it does sound like this will need some form of confrontation. Try and find a time when you can both sit and talk about this calmly and undisturbed.

PleasePassTheCoffeeThanks · 06/10/2019 09:21

He doesn’t want to discuss things, he doesn’t want to be fair... I wouldn’t marry him! Let alone have kids...

user1474894224 · 06/10/2019 09:22

Oh goodness all that too stressful nonsense is my dp to a tee!!! You need him to agree or it will drag on and on. You see your parents this year and his next. -- you can of course invite people to yours but if there are grandkids around they tend to trump people with no kids....or you can stay on your own but then no one benefits.

Wonkydonkey44 · 06/10/2019 09:24

Christmas at home , first one as mr and Mrs and they can visit you .
Also encouraging you To think long and hard about marrying him . This will be the first of many things he will try and push through .

Hesafriendfromwork · 06/10/2019 09:26

I dont want to sounds all dramatic.

But are you sure you want to marry him. You did agree alternating. You know you did. He knows you did.

He is making it clear, that your family dont matter. The fact that you want to see your family this year, doesnt matter. An agreement you both made, doesnt matter. That he probably only agreed knowing he wouldnt go to your parents together this year and that doesnt matter to him. That he will lie and make you out to be wrong, to get his own way and it doesnt matter. That he will do anything to keep his mum happy and if you are upset by this, it doesnt matter.

I read a quote here all the time and this time I agree with in this case 'when someone shows you who they are, believe them'

doxxed · 06/10/2019 09:27

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ for privacy reasons.

Hadalifeonce · 06/10/2019 09:28

To be honest, if this comes up again with his family, I would do what I have done in the past and say 'Sorry, that doesn't work for us this year, we have been invited to my parents' His reaction to this will be very telling.
In fact, we always have DH's family assuming we will see them over Christmas, I have unilaterally invited my family this year before it gets discussed. I told DH I have done it, so that he can tell his family we won't see them.

PullingMySocksUp · 06/10/2019 09:28

Has your partner got any siblings? That makes a difference.

Caterinaballerina · 06/10/2019 09:30

I know you shouldn’t have to but you could just bypass him and bring it up directly to your MIL that while you enjoyed last year at hers, you’d agreed to alternate so you’ll be over with your parents this year so you wanted to plan when you will see them on maybe Christmas Eve or in the days after.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 06/10/2019 09:31

Don't have children with this brat. And if he can't resolve this I'd delay the wedding at least.

needsahouseboy · 06/10/2019 09:31

I’d be seriously thinking about whether marriage is the right thing to do. Might only be Christmas but it’s very telling about how your future will go! It’ll get even worse once you have kids

Brefugee · 06/10/2019 09:34

I'd just say to my MiL "when shall we come to you this year, we're going to my parents' as we were at yours last year"

And whatever happens I'd be with my parents this, and every alternate Christmas whatever DP does. (unless, as many do, you stay at yours once children arrive)

Hesafriendfromwork · 06/10/2019 09:38

Has your partner got any siblings? That makes a difference.

It doesnt. That could have been discussed at the time

IncrediblySadToo · 06/10/2019 09:39

Has your partner got any siblings? That makes a difference

No it doesn’t.

The OP wants to spend alternate Christmases at her parents, (well she probably WANTS to spend them ALL at her parents, but had compromised) whether her fiancé had siblings or not us irrelevant. His iatents are adults and can make their own plans alternate years

On another level your comment makes no sense either what if neither of them had siblings?!

Bythepath · 06/10/2019 09:41

When I was engaged, my now SIL said to me that we needed to ensure that we set up our christmas alternative years in line with what she does. I said dont be silly we have no idea what we want to do for Christmas in 4 years time and dont want to be feeling like we are letting people down if we decide to stay home, go on holiday etc. I have grown up with no set arrangement and it works fine. We have been married 13 years and we always manage to see both sides of the family for a fun and enjoyable time over the Christmas period. My SIL got moaned at for wanting to spend a Christmas with her dying father but she was meant to be with her in laws. We have also been to a Christmas wedding abroad and just saw people around this. I read these threads and feel very lucky.

MegaClutterSlut · 06/10/2019 09:45

Yanbu and imo spending xmas apart wouldn't be an option for me. He is a selfish arse imo and if anyone should be doing xmas early, it should be his dps as it's your parents turn this year! I wouldn't back down on this. He is being totally unreasonable

Sallycinammonbangsthedruminthe · 06/10/2019 09:47

OP there is 101threads on this topic.Please start as you mean to go on and stick to it.I wouldnt go anywhere cos you will always upset someone ..if pushed have them come to you or arrange a get together for lunch somewhere neuteral for both families together....You are not being unreasonable by the way....Your husband is being a selfish child, sort him out!