to think it's fair to alternate X-mas between our families

[jamontoast2]

Been together five years get married in two months. Last years was the first xmas we spent together. I had felt we'd discussed ongoing plans of alternating X-mas with out families each year and re-discussing when we had kids. So last year I go to DP's for X-mas, nice time but I missed my family.

This year fMIL mentions a few times about X-mas with the assumption that DP will be there, and DP doesn't correct her. So I ask DP, in private, what's going on as I assumed we were at mt family's this X-mas. DP doesn't want to talk about it - keeps putting it off as it's 'too stressful' to think about. This goes on for about a month. When pressed a then gets defensive saying that me and my mum have no right to lay claim to DP's time like that. Denies all knowlege that we'd ever agreed to alternate. Ask's us to look for compromises - proposes Christmas apart, or that my family do X-mas early so we can return to DP's family for main X-mas days.

For me X-mas apart is not how I'd envisaged spending X-mas two weeks after getting married. For context we live 5 mins up the road from DP's family so see them ALL the time, but 1hr30 from my family so see them less. Also we both work shifts so if at work have to stay at home near DP's family, but this year we're both not working.

For me this is a no brainer and DP is being unreasonable but am I being unreasonable and fixed?

Cwofe that's disgusting! 15 years!

Wouldn't his own parents be asking how you are.... Whether your ok with baby? What a selfish bastard. What's wrong with these men and their parents? Such selfish behaviour.

Op I'd seriously delay the marriage. At the beginning is where the compromises are supposed to be.
As pp said he's not putting you first and is saying you and your family don't matter.

So he's gaslighting you and sulking, major red flags. At least it's before you get married and can cancel.

You need a serious conversation with him.

Yanbu at all. Presumably there will be plenty of years in future when shift patterns require you to be at home and spend x-mas with PIL, so this x-mas it is definitely right to go to your parents. If he doesn't wholeheartedly agree I might rethink the getting married thing.

This would have to be resolved before going ahead with marrying him. If he can’t see your point of view here and agree Christmas with your family I wouldn’t marry him. Don’t be fobbed off with it will be different when there are children - that’s still saying you and your feelings don’t matter.

YANBU

I’d rather go to my own families every year but I don’t want to be that DIL so we alternate.

• When pressed a then gets defensive saying that me and my mum have no right to lay claim to DP's time

I wouldn’t marry someone who said that to me. Nor someone who tried gaslighting me into thinking a previously discussed conversation hadn’t happened.

What’s he going to say when you have kids and you ask him to do family stuff which impacts on him? Is he going to say you have no right to make demands on his time and go off and do his own thing and leave you looking after the kids?

Imnot, you would think his parents and my dh would be concerned about leaving a newborn with someone who could barely walk but neither they nor my dh were concerned enough to actually stop and think that it was wrong to put this on me. My dh's problem stems from being abused by his father as a child (beaten with belts, slippers, wooden spoons) so he was essentially conditioned to jump when he was told. However, he is now an adult and they need to be told that their needs to outweigh mine or more importantly his children's needs. We're in a steady place now but only because I have to keep digging my heels in. It's exhausting.

*don't outweigh

I think poor OP has long gone, scared off by all our wizened words of wisdom. I dearly hope I’m wrong but I suspect she will ‘compromise’, go ahead with the wedding and, like so many of us, simply have to learn through bitter experience.

I think poor OP has long gone, scared off by all our wizened words of wisdom. I dearly hope I’m wrong but I suspect she will ‘compromise’, go ahead with the wedding and, like so many of us, simply have to learn through bitter experience
I guess all anyone can do is offer advice based on experience. It’s up to the individual whether or not to take that advice.
I look back on several choices I made in the past and think I wish someone had warned me. But who knows back then if I would’ve taken the advice or not.
Sadly sometimes we all have to suffer the consequences of our mistakes and try to learn from them.