to think it's fair to alternate X-mas between our families

[jamontoast2]

Been together five years get married in two months. Last years was the first xmas we spent together. I had felt we'd discussed ongoing plans of alternating X-mas with out families each year and re-discussing when we had kids. So last year I go to DP's for X-mas, nice time but I missed my family.

This year fMIL mentions a few times about X-mas with the assumption that DP will be there, and DP doesn't correct her. So I ask DP, in private, what's going on as I assumed we were at mt family's this X-mas. DP doesn't want to talk about it - keeps putting it off as it's 'too stressful' to think about. This goes on for about a month. When pressed a then gets defensive saying that me and my mum have no right to lay claim to DP's time like that. Denies all knowlege that we'd ever agreed to alternate. Ask's us to look for compromises - proposes Christmas apart, or that my family do X-mas early so we can return to DP's family for main X-mas days.

For me X-mas apart is not how I'd envisaged spending X-mas two weeks after getting married. For context we live 5 mins up the road from DP's family so see them ALL the time, but 1hr30 from my family so see them less. Also we both work shifts so if at work have to stay at home near DP's family, but this year we're both not working.

For me this is a no brainer and DP is being unreasonable but am I being unreasonable and fixed?

Apologies you've been been together 5 yrs not 5 months. My mistake, I misread. I'd still reconsider marriage & the relationship.

Start doing Christmas together otherwise in five years you will be posting about wanting to do Christmas on your own for a change. See both familiarise before or after or invite them alternate years.

Set the pattern now, save grief down the line.

OP, please listen carefully to what everyone is saying. The fact that he is so tied to mummy’s apron strings will bring you years of grief. But the lying and gaslighting about not remembering the conversation, just to get his own way, is actually much more concerning. You’ve said you tend to be the one who compromises and look what happens when you put your foot down, just the once. He not quite as good at compromising as he’s had you believe. If you don’t set a precedent and see this one through, it will be an absolute nightmare once you’ve had children. I speak from experience.

Absolutely everything that Steenac7 said.

Sorry, I don't understand why so many people have this rigid idea of Christmas. What happens when you want, or need to change the arrangement when you have dcs? FWIW Christmas Day has always been for Dh and me, and later dcs, to have a lovely day together, without the pressures of household chores or other people making demands on our time. The rest of the holiday season we have managed to see DH's family and mine. Now our DCs are adults and we have a dgc, we are flexible - if they want to come here, they are welcome, if they want to do their own thing, that's fine - after all, we did, so no pressure from us on that score.
I don't understand why anyone would pressurise their family over what should be a happy and relaxing time. How can it be happy if anyone has been guilted into attending?

Anyway, although this may seem a small thing OP, I would say that his intransigence over this is an indication of what could happen over other decisions you will have to make in future years. And actually, a disagreement over something that happens every year, is not a small thing, imo.

I'm assuming your not planning on children because that's stressful and would need to be named after his family of course and that's not how we do things this is how it's going to be to? Can you live like this?

Nobody seems to be picking up on the shift work. You had the full 5 days off including the weekend last year and you have this year off too?

Either work it and get a Christmas in the bag before you have kids or go to your parents.

You will surely be expected to work it next year and so will end up at his family as they live closer.

He is BU and selfish. I'd give him some serious things to think about before agreeing to marry him. Put him straight. You won't spend it apart and this year you go to your family together (or work)

He’s being really selfish

I couldn't marry him to be honest. That's really unfair to put you in that position. What a selfish coward.

Especially given you live far from your parents. In fact we live 10 mins from my in laws, and 3 hours from my family. So when we had children we decided it was only fair to spend all the main holidays (Christmas and birthdays) with my family (no alternating) since they didn't get to see the grandchildren much throughout the year (compared to the twice weekly my in laws saw the children).

This is the first year we'll be staying at home...which effectively means spending Christmas with the in laws since they live so close.

I think Avacado has the solution

Could you stay with your parents on Christmas Eve, have the big dinner, wake up and do Santa with your niece and could even go for a walk with everyone before heading off to your in-laws for the rest of the day/night with them?

As you are getting married if you parents can adjust their Christmas day walk to the morning, then you can travel to your PIL's house for the afternoon. They can move their Christmas meal for when you plan to arrive.

Dh and I have been married 20 years, our parents luckily live in our home town but originally we visited my parents in the afternoon for the full Christmas meal, but swapped it to accommodate my sister's SIL! So now my family go to my sister's mid morn, eat a full Christmas lunch at 1pm leave at 3pm then we go over to my FIL's for a Christmas buffet there. He is a widow so he and my SIL have Christmas lunch at a restaurant.

Having Christmas separately might be easy now but a pain in the arse if and when you have children. My own children know Christmas eve is ours, Christmas day is presents, breakfast, into car, drive 1 hour to my sister's, lunch, presents, back in car 10 minutes to my PIL, presents, buffet food, leave mid evening, boxing day is pyjama day, gorge on cheese and chocolate!

Tell him you already discussed it & agreed, & that if you're not going to your family this year & telling both sets of parents this now then the wedding's off.
You're heading into a whole heap of trouble with this man & his family & if he can't cut the cord now he never will.

With his plan of separating every Christmas what is he thinking when you have kids?
He needs to compromise and do alternate or do neither at all and stay at your own house every year. He can't honestly expect you to never spend a Xmas together and to only be prepared to go to his parents shows what a selfish man he is.

This would seriously concern me, just the refusal to even discuss it. It would put me off marrying him simply because if we can't discuss smaller decisions, what happens with the big ones? He sounds very selfish and I would also be worried that he'd rather upset you than his mum

I think you need to do exactly the same with his family this year but in reverse - so 22nd, 23rd with his family, 24th-26th with yours.

You need to be firm now or else he'll keep doing it, believe me I know from bitter experience.

Telling you that you have no right to lay a claim on his time is a very clear message to you that you will be second best always. He has shown you who he is, ignore at your peril.

When pressed a then gets defensive saying that me and my mum have no right to lay claim to DP's time like that.

And you really want to marry him?

I wouldn't be marrying this man. He has made it clear his mother is higher on his list of priorities than you are.

Agree with others - the issue isnt some sort of carving up the day to find a solution, it's that he agreed to it when he meant he got Christmas day last year with his parents and you. And now it's time for the "downside" of that agreement, hes backtracking and lying to your face that he ever agreed that.

Think carefully, because he is showing you who he is, and its worrying.

Do not listen to posters saying different ways you can compromise on the Christmas you want, after not asking him to compromise at all last year and most importantly, him not offering any compromises last year.

Think very carefully about marrying a man who's lovely, right up to the point he might not get things 100% his own way.

OP it's no coincidence that when you agreed to alternate Christmases, it was his family you went to first.

I agree with PPs , he's showing you a side of himself that either he hasn't shown before, or that you haven't noticed before. You say that in the past you've always been able to compromise. Please revisit some of those discussions and think about what actually happened. Did he compromise, or did you end up doing what he wanted (or only very slightly altered). And I genuinely would be thinking hard about marrying him. The way he's behaving is extremely selfish, both in his insistence over Christmas and in the way he's talking to you about it and making it out that you're the one in the wrong.

Cancelling the wedding would feel difficult at this stage, but it's not impossible, and it's easier than having many more years of his lying and gaslighting.

I think he's feeling the pressure of the upcoming wedding, the feeling of loss of being an individual or whatever. You are of course being reasonable, he is not.
I'd have a calm conversation, explaining how this side of him is causing you to doubt some areas of his maturity and ability to be part of an adult couple

Leave him to it. He can do what he wants but I'd be telling him now that you will be with your own mum this Christmas. And the year after staying at home.

Going forward any kids will be with you. You can still alternate but on your family's turn make sure he knows you will be taking the kids.

Last year at MIL.
This year at your mum's.
Following year at home.

Stick to it, he can choose to join you or not.

How many people at your Mum's?

Is his, by contrast, more of a party feel?

If you go to ypur Parents, will you get a Christmas Dinner at all?

What happens in really bad weather?

Now I'm older, the walk on the beach would suit me, but when younger, dinner and drinking would be my first choice.

I can't see how anyone, including him, can say that alternate years at each of your parents is anything other than fair.

I too would get this sorted before marrying him because his actions don't show him in a good light.

Op, listen to what people on here are telling you before you marry this man. Think very carefully.
This will not just be about this Christmas, this will be about every single event/holiday/birthday/celebration/weekend in the future.

This x 100
YANBU he is being very sly and manipulative rewriting the past...
You need to resolve this now before you marry.

Don't make the mistake I did and allow your in-laws feelings to be put at a higher precedence than your own. My in-laws are so black and white, and so demanding of my dh's time, that for the majority of our relationship (15 years) he's jumped every time they've told him to. Their feelings/wants/desires have always been put before mine because they're hard work and emotionally manipulative and I'm easy going and don't give him hell every time I don't get my own way. I felt a huge amount of resentment towards my dh for years and years because I felt that I was simply treated like the child bearer, housekeeper, childminder, general dogsbody, where as his parents always got everything their way. I spoke and spoke to him about it and he said all the right things but nothing changed. Finally I snapped 18 months ago after his parents demanded he do something for them every evening for a week and he left me on my own with a bad back (so bad I could barely move off the sofa and I was in tears of pain every time I had to get up) with a 4 year old and a newborn. I had to make all meals for the children, I had to do all bedtimes and bathtimes- he did nothing to help at all and I spent that entire week crying because of how he made me feel (as well as because of my painful back) and how he was putting his parents needs (it was non-urgent, and two other siblings live nearby) above mine and the children. I was terrified I'd drop the baby coming downstairs. It was the week from hell. After that I'm not ashamed to admit I made his life difficult for months. Every time his parents demanded he do something I would counter demand something and I refused to back down. In the end he "got it". I'm not saying he's perfect now but he's about 85% better. If his parents need him for something then he will ensure it's at a time that's convenient for us. Their feelings aren't continuously put above mine. When they're being difficult then he's stepping away and telling them to get someone else to help. It's been a slog but I'm feeling a lot happier now. His parents have been a lot more respectful toward me as well.

Don't make my mistake- start as you mean to go on. Both your oh and his parents need to know where they stand in your future lives.