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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's fair to alternate X-mas between our families

111 replies

jamontoast2 · 06/10/2019 09:13

Been together five years get married in two months. Last years was the first xmas we spent together. I had felt we'd discussed ongoing plans of alternating X-mas with out families each year and re-discussing when we had kids. So last year I go to DP's for X-mas, nice time but I missed my family.

This year fMIL mentions a few times about X-mas with the assumption that DP will be there, and DP doesn't correct her. So I ask DP, in private, what's going on as I assumed we were at mt family's this X-mas. DP doesn't want to talk about it - keeps putting it off as it's 'too stressful' to think about. This goes on for about a month. When pressed a then gets defensive saying that me and my mum have no right to lay claim to DP's time like that. Denies all knowlege that we'd ever agreed to alternate. Ask's us to look for compromises - proposes Christmas apart, or that my family do X-mas early so we can return to DP's family for main X-mas days.

For me X-mas apart is not how I'd envisaged spending X-mas two weeks after getting married. For context we live 5 mins up the road from DP's family so see them ALL the time, but 1hr30 from my family so see them less. Also we both work shifts so if at work have to stay at home near DP's family, but this year we're both not working.

For me this is a no brainer and DP is being unreasonable but am I being unreasonable and fixed?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 06/10/2019 10:14

You're not allowed to claim his time? Wow.
Don't marry him

Original poster
jamontoast2 · 06/10/2019 10:14

Last year we went back to my family on the weekend (22nd, 23rd) and drove back to DP's parents for 24th, 25th, 26th. My parents moved X-mas dinner to the Sunday so we could have it together, but we just did family' gifts, no santa, no walk on the beach etc.

OP posts:
Avacadoandtoast · 06/10/2019 10:17

Before we had kids we would alternate Christmas Eve at one set and Christmas Day with the other - they were 2hrs from each other and we quite enjoyed the time to ourselves in the car!
Could you stay with your parents on Christmas Eve, have the big dinner, wake up and do Santa with your neice and could even go for a walk with everyone before heading off to your in-laws for the rest of the day/night with them?

NoSquirrels · 06/10/2019 10:18

Make a stand this year. Say it’s Christmas Eve and the bulk of Christmas Day at your family. Leave mid-afternoon (3.30) and drive to his parents. They can choose whether to delay their main Christmas dinner till evening instead of lunchtime, or have a big meal on Boxing Day instead.

Can’t possibly be accused of being unfair then!

Also, do speak up with ILs if it gets mentioned. Might as well start as you mean to go on, and the reaction might not be as bad as your DP clearly imagines it will be.

Steenac7 · 06/10/2019 10:19

This is not just about Christmas. This is about the decisions you make as a couple and how he is going back on a decision as it doesn’t suit him. I would definitely have this resolved before you get married. You agreed to alternate. Even if you didn’t agree to alternate then as you spent last year with his family this year it should be your family. Don’t suggest having both set to yours. You want to go to your family this year as you went to his last year. This is what you need to resolve. If he refuses to go then think carefully about how little consideration he has for you, how his own family and mother clearly are more important to him than you and think about living your life with someone who treats you like that.

All the posters saying spend it apart, invite the parents, go abroad are missing the point. You want to go to your family which is perfectly fair after spending last year at his. He won’t compromise. This is your problem.

Spied · 06/10/2019 10:21

I wouldn't want to marry someone like him tbh.
I can't see a happy future.
It will be dreadful if you have DC.
He will want his family to take precedence. I've met people like him and seen friends' family pushed out of their children and grandchildren's lives.
Something 'small' like Christmas and where to have it is just the tip of the iceberg.

Contraceptionismyfriend · 06/10/2019 10:22

Everything has always gone smoothly in your relationship because you've never challenged the power of the umbilical cord.

This is a sign of what your life could be.
Do you plan on children?

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 06/10/2019 10:25

What @Hesafriendfromwork said.

Steenac7 · 06/10/2019 10:26

I just saw your update OP. So your family compromised and moved things around so you could spend Christmas with his family. Why can’t his family do the same. I would just ask him outright if he was happy that it was fine to do what you did last year for your family why is it no longer fine when it’s his family who need to compromise.

Please ignore all the posters saying maybe you could do X of Y to accommodate and see his family. That Is not the point here. What was good enough for your family when he was getting to spend the bulk of Christmas with his is now no longer fair when the families are swapped. He sounds so selfish. Don’t suggest anything else - you need to get to the root of the problem not put yourself and your family out again to please him

GCAcademic · 06/10/2019 10:28

proposes Christmas apart, or that my family do X-mas early so we can return to DP's family for main X-mas days.

If he finds the latter to be a reasonable solution, he can suggest that his family do Christmas early, can’t he? Only fair.

UnderhandedBarbieDoll · 06/10/2019 10:31

If you marry him, can you imagine how ground down you're going to be when this unreasonable dynamic is played out every week with some subject? It will kill any love you feel in the end , entirely.

ThanosSavedMe · 06/10/2019 10:32

I agree with pp especially @MimiSunshine. He needs to think now where his priorities are.

AlexaShutUp · 06/10/2019 10:33

Of course yanbu. I think you need to raise this with him again, setting out the fact that there needs to be compromise on both sides to make this work. If he persists in thinking that his family/his preference should take priority over yours, I think you really need to take a step back and consider where this attitude is coming from, and whether it's the right thing to go ahead with the marriage. If he can't see your point of view on this, I think it's potentially quite a big red flag.

katewhinesalot · 06/10/2019 10:34

Neither I or dh wanted to do alternative years so we compromised on doing half each. We stay at one place till about 4pm on Xmas day then travel and swap over. It works for us.

If he can't compromise in some way, I think this truly could be a deal breaker. Don't get into an arguement about it but make sure he knows you are very concerned about your decision to marry and the future of your relationship. Don't give in. Be quietly resolute about making it fair. If he decides to go alone you have big problems.

Marmozet · 06/10/2019 10:38

I'm sorry but I wouldn't be marrying someone like this.

Hesafriendfromwork · 06/10/2019 10:38

Everything else in our relationship otherwise has been very good. Normally we talk very openly about things and reach compromises we're happy with

But I feel that I am often viewed as the easy one to compromise in the list of everyone else and I am not up for that in a marriage at all.

I think you are confusing compromise with you rolling over.

Very small chance that did he went from someone who works with you values your feelings etc to this.

If he did, he is still showing you. You, your feelings and you family are bottom of the pile, under his wants and his families wants.

She treats them like children and they allow it. People dont keep doing something unless they are getting something out of it. He likes the way things are between him and his mum.

This will only get worse when you marry and have kids.

Hesafriendfromwork · 06/10/2019 10:39

And the fact he is lying and telling you, that you never discussed alternating, is a huge red flag.

Cloudyapples · 06/10/2019 10:39

Yanbu we alternate

aweedropofsancerre · 06/10/2019 10:40

Good Luck ! Christmas was a battle in our house for years. I used to go home for Xmas every year until I had children and decided to create my own memories at home. My parents were fine with that and my mum comes to me very few years. Sadly my MIL hated me for taking her eldest DS, fell out with him for a year as she wanted to do ‘her’ Christmas and my DH found it very difficult cutting the cord. It still causes tensions now as his brother has a arrangement with his Dm and they take turns but they wouldn’t bend for us.... set some boundaries now as if it’s like this now god help you when the kids come... is he going to insist on going to his mummies?

HopefulButScared · 06/10/2019 10:45

You definitely need to sort this out. We have moved to the British island DH is from with our DS and come to a rather convoluted arrangement but it works for us so we get to spend Xmas with our families fairly and my DM's partner can see his grandchildren too.

We do:

Year 1 - both families at ours.
Year 2 - us at my family.
Year 3 - both families at ours.
Year 4 - DH's family (either at ours or theirs - this doesn't happen until next year!)
Repeat.

I would not be happy if DH viewed being with his family as more important at all but luckily had never been the case. You need to sit down and discuss how it will be before you marry and have children. If he won't then you have some serious thinking to do.

Fivebyfive2 · 06/10/2019 10:47

I can relate OP! Dh and I have alternated Christmas day for 10 years and although it has worked, I am pregnant now so we will soon need to re think things and I'm dreading it tbh! We have managed OK with alternating but only because I had to put my foot down, which doesn't come easily to me. I'm no doormat, but my family and dh are so easy going that it was a shock having to deal with in laws who can be very demanding! Dh and I are both guilty of trying to 'people please' but because my family are laid back and his, ahem, are not, I felt if I didn't make a stand it would always be my side making the compromises. If he won't say anything, could you just have a (calm) chat with his parents and explain? Good luck!! Xx

NoSauce · 06/10/2019 10:47

If he won’t agree to alternate then you should go to your parents on your own. Don’t be bullied into going to MILs every bloody Christmas OP.

SilverySurfer · 06/10/2019 10:51

You couldn't pay me enough to marry a mummy's boy and that's what you will be doing in two months. Your priorities should be each other, his is his mother.

GabriellaMontez · 06/10/2019 10:52

So you're at the bottom of his list of people he needs to please? Don't have children with this man.

And if he would rather spend Christmas with mummy than with his new wife, think twice about marrying him.

FluffyAlpaca19 · 06/10/2019 10:53

I wouldn't be getting married or having children with this man. I'd cut my losses now and walk away because he's telling you exactly the type of person he is. You are just not listening, you've not been together a year yet. Way too early to get married, take a step back and have a good, long think. You've been offered a pause button, I'd press it if I were you.