to think it's fair to alternate X-mas between our families

[jamontoast2]

Been together five years get married in two months. Last years was the first xmas we spent together. I had felt we'd discussed ongoing plans of alternating X-mas with out families each year and re-discussing when we had kids. So last year I go to DP's for X-mas, nice time but I missed my family.

This year fMIL mentions a few times about X-mas with the assumption that DP will be there, and DP doesn't correct her. So I ask DP, in private, what's going on as I assumed we were at mt family's this X-mas. DP doesn't want to talk about it - keeps putting it off as it's 'too stressful' to think about. This goes on for about a month. When pressed a then gets defensive saying that me and my mum have no right to lay claim to DP's time like that. Denies all knowlege that we'd ever agreed to alternate. Ask's us to look for compromises - proposes Christmas apart, or that my family do X-mas early so we can return to DP's family for main X-mas days.

For me X-mas apart is not how I'd envisaged spending X-mas two weeks after getting married. For context we live 5 mins up the road from DP's family so see them ALL the time, but 1hr30 from my family so see them less. Also we both work shifts so if at work have to stay at home near DP's family, but this year we're both not working.

For me this is a no brainer and DP is being unreasonable but am I being unreasonable and fixed?

YANBU. Your proposal is very sensible and fair.

I personally wouldn't insist he comes with you, but would go to my own family and when kids come along take them with me alternate years.

Why should your family do Christmas early?

I'm lucky my DH is more than happy to spend every Christmas with my family. If he wanted to alternate I would, because it's fair, but he prefers the fun with my siblings and the whole family.

He has no intention of spending Christmas at your family's. His suggested "compromise" was no such thing - it enabled him to get his own way and spend the (most important) day of it at his.
Get this sorted NOW.

Oooh, OP! He is telling you something, very loudly.

His mum comes first, no negotations allowed.

All of his so called compromises mean she gets her Christmas and everyone else in the world has to change theirs.

You really should get this worked out before you get married. If you can't have a proper, respectful discussion about any subject then maybe there is something unequal, off about your relationship. And that won't get better after you are married...

Take a deep breath and have that discussion, and all of its repercussions, now!

Speak to your in laws yourself in the character of very sweet daughter in law! Explain to her that you and her son agreed that Christmas should be alternated between parents . Remind her that as Xmas was spent with her last year that you will be spending it with your parents this year. Ask her when she would like to see you both over the Christmas period so that you can ensure that nothing else gets put in the diary . This serves two purposes it states very clearly that you will be spending Christmas at your parents and it also lets her know that you are not a push over and will not be bullied by her or her son.

YANBU he needs to have a word with himself. Why on earth would your family want to have Christmas dinner however many days early just to accommodate him and his mummy? Or you spend Christmas apart, 2 weeks after getting married. Or you do exactly as he wants again? None of those are compromises and as you said he agreed before that you would alternate.

Is this how he addresses every topic? Stonewalls, gaslights, acts like a stupid idiot? Over something like Christmas. What's he like when you talk about money, your long term plans and children?

DP doesn't want to talk about it - keeps putting it off as it's 'too stressful' to think about. This goes on for about a month. When pressed a then gets defensive...Denies all knowlege that we'd ever agreed to alternate..Ask's us to look for compromise

Passive aggression, emotional blackmail, gaslighting, devolving responsibility right there.

Don't marry this man.

gets defensive saying that me and my mum have no right to lay claim to DP's time like that. Denies all knowlege that we'd ever agreed to alternate

This will be your life if you marry him, you’ll spend your whole life doing what he wants to do, not just at Christmas but any event, occasion or even just regular weekends.

About 70-80% of the time you’ll give in and do what he wants to do... and when it’s something really important to you, you’ll have to fight your corner and will probably end up either doing it alone while he pisses off to whatever it was he preferred to do... or doing it with him in tow with a face like a slapped arse.

Can you be arsed living like that?

This would be setting off alarm bells for me. It's not just the years and years of this attempted dominance by the In laws but the fact that your husband to be is a barefaced liar. I couldn't live with that...

He’s being a dick. You agreed last year to do alternating Christmas with your families, now he’s going back on that. Just say that you’re going to your family this year as previously discussed. He can do what he wants. Good luck when you have kids.

He's being an arse and setting the tone the future decisions. His way of high way. You both spent it with his parents last year, the only fair thing to do is spend it with yours. You could invite both sets to yours this year as it will be your first as newlyweds, however in my mind it would be your parents next year.

Look at this as a good thing , he has clearly shown you where you sit in his list of priorities and it’s below his family - get out now before you commit to marriage and children .

Before DS we usually spent Christmas Day with my side then later in the day travelled to DH's side. My folks only have me whilst DH has two siblings so I can't see my folks left with no one. Now we have DS both sides come to us.

So for some context, my family have xmas dinner on xmas eve. Always have done. That said we have our own traditions for X-mas day like a special buffet, walk on the beach etc which I would still miss if we spend x-mas eve at my family's and also my sister's young kids having Santa (she's divorced and their Dad has no contact so they go every year).

DP does have siblings, but is the eldest whereas I am the youngest. DP's Mum is definitely struggling with seeing her kids as adults (almost 30!) and views them all as 17 year olds. My sister is 9 years older so my family are much more in the zone of kids growing up and sharing them for X-mas.

I can see why people would think hosting would be sensible but tbh 2 weeks after a wedding it seems exhausting.

Ask him what he thinks is fair. When he has his plan and it's completely fair and he thinks it's perfectly good for everyone swop your parents. Then see if he still thinks it's fair.

I did this with dh, there was a financial arrangement that I thought was unfair on me and he thought was completely reasonable. So I suggested if I thought he was favoured and he thought it was equal we should swop roles- the. He'd be happy it's fair and I'd be happy I was getting the better option. Bizarrely when put in my position it started seeming less fair to him.

The exhausting bit is being married to a mummy's boy who is too wet to stand up to his mother but has no trouble fucking you around.

Just seen your update- did you spend Xmas eve and day with his parents last year?

Everything else in our relationship otherwise has been very good. Normally we talk very openly about things and reach compromises we're happy with. No issues with finances/behvaiour otherwise. I think someone hit it on the head when they talked about people pleasing. But I feel that I am often viewed as the easy one to compromise in the list of everyone else and I am not up for that in a marriage at all.

Married 15 years and never engaged in this crap. I highly recommend it. We do what we want at Xmas - often go on holiday and nobody expects us to be anywhere. We take each set of parents out for food sometime between December and January which acts as our festive meal.

I genuinely don’t understand why people get so bloody her up about a completely made up event. What’s the point?

Op, listen to what people on here are telling you before you marry this man. Think very carefully.
This will not just be about this Christmas, this will be about every single event/holiday/birthday/celebration/weekend in the future.
It will become an even bigger problem if you have children together.
Things like this can break up marriages. It will make you miserable. It will cause upset and long term resentment.
I’m not being dramatic, it’s no exaggeration.
Please think very, very carefully.

I wouldn’t marry a man who showed me so openly how selfish he was.

If he’s reacted like this about someone like Christmas, can you imagine what he’ll be like about bigger more stressful issues??

*het up