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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - day out and partners migraine

170 replies

StonedRoses · 05/10/2019 17:31

No idea if I’ve behaved really badly or not - so want some suggestions. After a busy week we planned a family trip to a NT place just under an hr away
As we were setting off at 10:30ish my DW started with a migraine. She’s had them for yrs but now well controlled and only every few months.
So we turned round and she waited to see how it went. By 11:30 she decided she was going to bed and that we should still go. DS (9) very excited. We got there, had a play, lunch in the cafe and a walk round the grounds. Left about 3 but traffic bad so didn’t get back till after 4.
DW is furious that we stayed out ‘all day’ and abandoned her. My view is she was going for a lie down anyway and better off with kid out the house.
The only thing she’s said to me when I asked how she was doing was ‘well I haven’t died so I must be fine’
AIBU to take DS out for the day when she has a migraine and can’t join us anyway? I know how shit they can be but us staying at home wouldn’t make it better

OP posts:
Zeldasmagicwand · 05/10/2019 20:58

What a tricky situation for everyone.
I suffer from migraines and I'd be hugely grateful if DH had taken DS out for the day to leave me to take my migraine medication and sleep it off in a quiet dark room. I can imagine feeling a lot more grumpy if DH had hung around checking up on me.

The only time I was really annoyed with DH was when I had a migraine and DS was about 18 months and I was projectile vomiting down the hallway. I rang DH and he refused to leave work early so I had to manage the toddler and my migraine until after 6pm when DH got home. That was a very long day.
DH used to be really unsupportive when I was ill but it all changed after he got cancer and I looked after him. He's in remission now and is so much better at supporting me when I'm unwell. At least when I ask for help these days, he doesn't refuse and does his best.

Also, I'm wondering why some sufferers are still living with a migraine for several days on end? Are you unable to take triptans? I couldn't bear to go back to my pre-medication days.

Chloemol · 05/10/2019 21:01

No YANBU. As a migraine sufferer I would have been grateful to have been left alone all day to sleep. She’s the selfish one here

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/10/2019 21:07

I find paracetamol does help but only if I take it when the aura starts before the full blown headache. 2 paracetamol and 2 ibuprofen washed down with a can of red bull will sometimes stop one in its tracks. It’s the only positive about getting aura. It maybe because I get neck pain as one of the symptoms (the bliss of resting your head on an ice pack when it feels like someone is hammering nails into the back of your skull).

FizzyIce · 05/10/2019 21:12

Ffs.. she’s got a migraine,she hasn’t had her legs amputated, I’m still more than able to get painkillers and walk up the stairs to bed by myself during a migraine.
Stop making excuses ,it’s ridiculous

Babysharkisanearworm · 05/10/2019 21:25

Even with the most horrendous migraines coming on, I can still load myself with supplies before I disappear into a dark room. It's about time she started being independent in her self care.
One to one time with your son is very important. You should plan to do this more regularly but be prepared for backlash and possible onset of a medical issue.
Living in one another's pocket is not good for either of you. Unless there are mh or trust issues, there is no reason why you should go everywhere together. What message does it give to your son about healthy and respectful relationships?

justbimblingalong · 05/10/2019 21:35

@MitziK as you can see from the vast majority of posts on here...your post is quite simply ridiculous! You do not need to have anyone 'open tablets' for you! Or 'put water into your hand'. That is beyond precious! Without a doubt, a migraine is bloody awful!!! But you're not completely and utterly helpless...yes, it's debilitating, and yes, of course it's lovely if someone is around to do kind things for you, but NOT at the expense of everything else, and NOT to such a degree that they deserve a roasting for taking out a child on a promised day out! You sound as petty and unreasonable as the OP! Get a grip!

FurnitureAndBackgammon · 05/10/2019 21:39

But if she’s still in the throes of it, maybe that’s influencing her behaviour?

I'm thinking probably not. If she was still suffering, she'd be dosed up to the eyeballs, lying in the dark still, not creating drama where there is none.

The fact she only took paracetamol tells me it wasn't a migraine anyway. I think she just likes controlling OP and getting lots of attention while she's at it.

As for getting your partner to get your pills/water for you, those of us who get migraines know when one is coming on, so you have time to grab the painkillers/water and stumble to bed. It's pathetic relying on someone else to do it for you and is just a bit drama queenish for me.

FizzyIce · 05/10/2019 21:44

@MitziK you sound like a huge drama queen .
I’ve had migraines that have made me think I was having a stroke and I still don’t need anyone to put tablets in my hand and help me drink water .
Your poor dp

capsule · 05/10/2019 21:44

I'm a single parent and suffer terrible migraines. I have my medication in the bedside table and in my handbag as I have to start taking meds as soon as I a migraine starts in order to prevent a full blown 2 day illness. I would be so happy if someone took the DC out when I'm ill as I am unable to move or hold a conversation if I'm ill. There's nothing anyone can do - the only time I've asked for help is after 2 days of a particularly bad one when I actually felt like I was going to die.

Isitnearlyweekend · 05/10/2019 21:52

I suffer from migraines and have to go to bed when I get one. I would be so grateful if my other half took the kids out for the day. She’s lucky you were so thoughtful.

AssangesCat · 05/10/2019 21:57

DH gets terrible migraines. It doesn't make him grumpy, if anything he's exceptionally sweet natured when he's getting one/has had one! I'm sure not every migraine sufferer is the same. Recently migraine came on in the swimming pool changing cubicle on a camping holiday. Bless his heart, he just took his meds and lay down as best he could in the car while we went swimming. I had vertigo to the point of nausea at the time so there you go.

Brefugee · 05/10/2019 22:02

We do have plenty of paracetamol, ibuprofen in the house. But they’re not in the bedroom so she had to get them herself

so next time leave a supply in the bedroom and a jug of water and a glass?

AlexaAmbidextra · 05/10/2019 22:04

Thank God I’ve grown out of migraines as I’ve aged but thinking back, I never ever wanted anyone near me when I was in the throes of one. I just wanted to be left alone with my misery in a dark silent room. And tbh, what could you have done had you been there? If she had water and her medication to hand surely that’s all she needed?

OkayGo · 05/10/2019 22:06

God when I have a migraine this is exactly what I would want to happen. Empty house. Quiet. Dark.

1Morewineplease · 05/10/2019 22:08

I can see a red flag waving here.
You’re a doc so you should know how migraines work. That you felt that you ought to have got paracetamol and water for her is nice but she is capable of this herself. She has propranolol so that should have helped. You weren’t gone all day. She doesn’t like being on her own. Her migraines are in check but happened on this particular day.
I think that you both need a long chat.

AlexaAmbidextra · 05/10/2019 22:12

Perhaps don't be so quick to judge someone else for being mean because there's so many people in glass houses on this thread

But OP says they have issues about her not wanting to be left alone, even when she hasn’t got a migraine so migraine-induced meanness won’t wash in this instance.

Hesafriendfromwork · 05/10/2019 22:18

Hang on....so you dont really get anytime with your son, one on one, because hse hates been left alone?

You say you are working on this? What is she doing to work on it?

And she could have taken water and tablets with hee when she said she was going to lay down.

dontgobaconmyheart · 05/10/2019 22:22

You aren't 0q0

northernstars · 05/10/2019 22:44

I have triptans that melt in the mouth so I don't need water. I have them in every room in the house, every handbag, every coat pocket. DH checks on me every few hours to make sure I'm still breathing because after the initial wanting to die, I'm out cold for hours and hours.

Schuyler · 05/10/2019 22:48

YANBU. Some people are massively dramatic when they get ill. There was water and medication within your home and you left to give her some quiet. Win win for most people.

PinkiOcelot · 05/10/2019 23:14

She doesn’t sound lovely to me. She sounds like a selfish arsehole!
She would have preferred for you and your son to have a crap day tiptoeing around the house?!
Sorry OP but you sound a bit wet and as though you would put up with any old shite she throws your way!!

TwattingDog · 05/10/2019 23:32

This is how I survive a migraine, given I get up to 23 a month and can only take 6 triptans a month. Triptans in a drawer inches from the bed, bottle of water permanently by the bed, and my daily pills for prevention ooooh next to the bed. Shocker. Also, my new item - a gua sha tool to scrape at my head, neck and face. Lush.

If I can't make it downstairs to get my ice pack for my head, I wait until I can.

If you get migraines, you bloody well have no choice but to find your way to get through them. Especially if you can only treat one in four.

I get hemiplegic migraines which cause facial paralysis, slurring of speech, loss of motor skills, and I lose my vocabulary. I also get aura, where I lost the sight in my right eye. Add in the uncontrollable nausea (I never vomit - I wish I did!) and the head pain along with photophobia, and extreme sensitivity to smells.... Yet somehow I get on with it. Because I have to. Maybe twice a year I give up and take to bed for as long as it takes for the migraine to clear. That has been up to 12 days at my worst, so I do get it and am not unsympathetic, but solely relying on others to care for you unless you have become paralysed is a bad idea.

AIBU - day out and partners migraine
bookwormsforever · 05/10/2019 23:36

because I’m far from perfect. I didn’t think to get her water or painkillers before going out, I stupidly overlooked it, which is a regular fault of mine

Op, look up coercive control. As a doctor, you should be aware of stuff like this. It’s not just men who are abusive.

Also, I don’t think it’s helpful that posters - presumably women - are calling op ‘wet’ and a ‘doornat’ for trying to placate his unreasonable wife.

I think he’s being abused by her. We wouldn’t call a woman in an abusive relationship wet or a doormat, so why a man?

Doesn’t sound like op’s wife’s migraine was that bad if she’s frothing about you having a fun day without her.

Op, what’s good about your relationship with your wife?. What does she bring to you?

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/10/2019 23:56

bookworms

Well said.

It appears from what the OP is saying that his DW is controlling when and how long he can go out with his own child. Whether it is controlling or driven by anxiety I don’t know, but it isn’t healthy.

I also agree with other posters that I wouldn’t have been capable of fuming about anything within a couple of hours of a full blown migraine. I have enough trouble stringing a sentence together the day after.

Deadringer · 06/10/2019 00:18

She is being ridiculous. Yanbu.