AIBU - day out and partners migraine

[StonedRoses]

No idea if I’ve behaved really badly or not - so want some suggestions. After a busy week we planned a family trip to a NT place just under an hr away
As we were setting off at 10:30ish my DW started with a migraine. She’s had them for yrs but now well controlled and only every few months.
So we turned round and she waited to see how it went. By 11:30 she decided she was going to bed and that we should still go. DS (9) very excited. We got there, had a play, lunch in the cafe and a walk round the grounds. Left about 3 but traffic bad so didn’t get back till after 4.
DW is furious that we stayed out ‘all day’ and abandoned her. My view is she was going for a lie down anyway and better off with kid out the house.
The only thing she’s said to me when I asked how she was doing was ‘well I haven’t died so I must be fine’
AIBU to take DS out for the day when she has a migraine and can’t join us anyway? I know how shit they can be but us staying at home wouldn’t make it better

I can't stand adults who cannot spend an hour or two by themselves.

And i get quite severe migraines (with aura) and I don't find it makes me snappy and mean

I get migraines, so does DH. Tbh both of us would love it if the kids were taken out when we're suffering as all we want to do is take medication and sleep. Does she only take paracetamol? Can she not take a triptan? DH can't take triptans so has a combo of aspirin, brufen and paracetamol which helps but once you've had the meds you can't take any more for 4 hours and you were only out for 4.5.

Why aren't you allowed out to spend time with your son? I don't know if you're make or female but if a make partner was being like this people would think it controlling

Sorry about no one ‘lovely’ is furious that their partner and child went out for a few hours when they said you should go in the first place.

What do your friends and family think about her?

Hang on woah - just read that she doesn't like being left alone and you don't have much of a social life etc. That's not good and screams red flags. If it was a man preventing a woman from actively engaging in time with a child or going out with friends everyone would be up in arms!

I think from her point of view there was no one to get her water or paracetamol which I do get.

You were gone for 4.5 hours. She shouldn't have needed any more paracetamol. Not to mention they do nothing for migraines

YANBU

Any rational person would be thanking you for giving them peace and quiet. Your wife sounds like she's quite a lot of hard work and relationships aren't supposed to be hard work. You can only placate someone for so long before it gets both tiring and boring. Did you have a better time because she wasn't there? Remember you are entitled to have 1:1 time with your child and your feelings are as valid as anyone else's.

Gosh, spot the people who've never had a migraine! She was having one a WEEK until recently?

That is enough to blight the sweetest personality. So glad the drugs are helping. Migraine is a PITA.

@Betty777 migraines often affect mood, my family can sometimes predict them when my mood changes and I get slightly erm..shirty.

@NearlyGranny OP didn’t say ‘until recently’.

I’m just a bit snappy and grumpy because things aren’t great in the marriage for various reasons - and her not liking being alone is one of them.
I really enjoyed my day with my son, and I know its wrong but we probably stayed out longer than we should because we were having fun and we didn’t have to go home when one of us had enough.

Good god I suffer with migraines and I would have been beyond delighted I could have gone to bed and slept. I had an absolutely horrendous one last week and still managed to get myself paracetamol and I'm recovering from a hysterectomy! This is way bigger than the migraine.....

You’re perfectly entitled to have a day just you two and she’s being hugely unreasonable.

You were putting the needs of her and your son first for goodness sake!

Because some PPs don't believe that mood disturbance is a symptom of migraine, not everyone has the same symptoms, certainly not the same auras. Perhaps don't be so quick to judge someone else for being mean because there's so many people in glass houses on this thread. ;)
There is clinical evidence that mood disturbance (including irritability) affects some people with migraine with aura.
consults.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/08/04/can-migraines-cause-mood-swings/
migraine.com/migraine-symptoms/mood-changes/

"Other studies have found that the migraine sufferer isn’t aware of some changes in mood or behavior that occur. Many times a person close to the patient notices a difference in attitude."

Those people saying "I have migraines and I don't get irritable" wouldn't necessarily know, for the same reason people whose migraines affect memory wouldn't know. Aura is a temporary brain disturbance.

@StonedRoses if she's not like this all the time then maybe talk to her about the fact this is part of her migraine aura. If she's constantly behaving badly toward you that's a different matter entirely.

I think the problems in your marriage have been brought clearly into focus today.

Usually dh would get me drugs then take dc out. I can't function all day when I have a migraine.

I get horrible migraines. The best thing my husband can do is take care of dd and keep her happy. Taking her out all day is the absolute ideal because then I get the complete quiet I desperately need to recover. If I am super lucky, towards the end of the day, he finds a way to bring me migraine friendly food.

I don’t get why you wouldn’t have drugs in the house already in preparation.

My nightstand drawer always has migraine meds, a water, and a basin. If you get migraines you need to be prepared.

Sometimes DH will bring me a cold soda. That is helpful, but I wouldn’t want him to sit around all day just for me to take a few sips of a soft drink.

She doesn’t like being left alone. So I don’t usually go out without her except for work or if she’s made plans. It has caused issues with our marriage but I’m working on that

This is not something you should be working on, it's something she needs to work on. It's pathetic that she doesn't like being left alone, unless she has special needs or a disability where she needs someone to help - but I gather that is not the case. Tbh I'd find it difficult to spend my life with someone who is so controlling, but who probably dresses it up as being a bit needy - not an attractive trait.

I think YANBU to go our and stay out all day, she sounds VVUR! I say this as someone who suffered with migraines for 5 years (diagnosed as chronic) I was delighted if my kids and HD had a good time - even if I was in bed and couldn't join in. There was no reason for them to suffer and have to stay in just because I am ill.

Another note - please look on the migraine trust website for Cefaly II. After 5 years as a chronic sufferer taking daily migraine prevention drugs and I am almost migraine free as I use Cefaly on "prevent" mode everyday. It's changed my life.

We do have plenty of paracetamol, ibuprofen in the house. But they’re not in the bedroom so she had to get them herself

It's unreasonable for any partner to never want to be 'left alone'. You aren't an entertainment system and all adults should be capable of being on their own sometimes. Especially when there's also a child's needs to consider. Do think hard about your relationship OP. You weren't in the wrong here.

Like many pp I would also much prefer to be left in peace and quiet when I have a migraine. I'd happily get my own water in return for quiet.

Why couldn’t she get the medicine on her way up to bed? Or ask you to get it before you and son went out?