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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - day out and partners migraine

170 replies

StonedRoses · 05/10/2019 17:31

No idea if I’ve behaved really badly or not - so want some suggestions. After a busy week we planned a family trip to a NT place just under an hr away
As we were setting off at 10:30ish my DW started with a migraine. She’s had them for yrs but now well controlled and only every few months.
So we turned round and she waited to see how it went. By 11:30 she decided she was going to bed and that we should still go. DS (9) very excited. We got there, had a play, lunch in the cafe and a walk round the grounds. Left about 3 but traffic bad so didn’t get back till after 4.
DW is furious that we stayed out ‘all day’ and abandoned her. My view is she was going for a lie down anyway and better off with kid out the house.
The only thing she’s said to me when I asked how she was doing was ‘well I haven’t died so I must be fine’
AIBU to take DS out for the day when she has a migraine and can’t join us anyway? I know how shit they can be but us staying at home wouldn’t make it better

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 05/10/2019 17:57

Your wife is a massive pain in the arse. I suggest you stop catering to her neediness.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 05/10/2019 17:57

Like everyone else I would have been only too thrilled if someone took my small DC out for the day when I had a migraine. She's being very unreasonable.

As for water and paracetamol, you were only gone 4.5 hours. How many paracetamol did she plan to take, FFS?

AhNowTed · 05/10/2019 17:58

You are WAY too passive OP.

GruciusMalfoy · 05/10/2019 18:00

She was BU. When I have a migraine I get very crabby, so I get that, but lying down in a quiet room was what she needed, and it wouldn't be fair for your son to miss out on a nice day. She didn't need you there. I'd love if someone did this when I was unwell with a migraine.

NoCauseRebel · 05/10/2019 18:02

Are you married to my DP’s ex? She was exactly like this although they didn’t have DC. Almost every trip they planned was abandoned because she had a migraine, but if he went without her she had a massive strop.

They’re divorced now...

bookwormsforever · 05/10/2019 18:02

Massive red flag. She doesn’t like being left on her own??

Controlling and unacceptable.

You did the right thing going out today. It’s not understandable that she’s pissed off. She can be disappointed she missed a day out but not pissed off.

You have the right to go out socially, see friends, family, do a sport. She is being vvvvvu not to like being left alone.

Does she go out by herself?

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 05/10/2019 18:02

If I was being really picky it would have been better if you'd left her with some water.
I was going to suggest her mood might have been migraine fuelled but after your update, she sounds like a pain in the arse.
You did nothing wrong, she is ungrateful and overly needy.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 05/10/2019 18:03

I'm usually quite clingy when I'm ill, but when it comes to migraines I would pay money to get an empty house where I can close all the curtains and lie in the cool, dark, quiet without having to talk or listen to anyone. Your wife is being unreasonable.

Lollypop701 · 05/10/2019 18:03

You have a dw issue... she is utterly ridiculous. You SHOULD enjoy one on one time with your child and your dw should see that as a real positive. It’s really not ok to be a bitch because you’re ill and someone you love has had a nice time whilst you are ill. Please see this as the selfish act it is

Tetrus · 05/10/2019 18:04

She's pissed off because you were out 'having fun' (taking care of) DS, while she was at home in bed Confused. If I was sick, I'd want DH to take the kids out so I could relax in peace. I certainly wouldn't make him feel guilty about it. If he was out with friends watching football, and I was home with a migraine and the kids... that would be a different storyGrin

TwattingDog · 05/10/2019 18:04

As someone with chronic migraine, if all she's taking is paracetamol, she needs to go back to the GP for something more effective. Triptans for example.

She is being selfish, especially if you are otherwise not out of the house without her - that's very controlling of her.

Original poster
StonedRoses · 05/10/2019 18:05

She’s really lovely - honestly. Just likes spending family time together and not being left alone. I suspect her migraine has made her snappy. Not being a migraine sufferer I don’t think I really understand how awful they are

OP posts:
Starlight456 · 05/10/2019 18:06

Yanbu.

I agree with others keeping a 9 year old quiet all day is a challenge which also would of bothered her

GruciusMalfoy · 05/10/2019 18:06

Yes, they're awful. But it shouldn't make everyone tiptoe around her. She's being ridiculous.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 05/10/2019 18:06

I noticed you said you were working on stuff in your relationship, erm what is she doing?
It's all sounding very one sided and you can't do right here whatever choice you make.

Original poster
StonedRoses · 05/10/2019 18:06

She’s on propranolol now which has made a massive difference. Gone from weekly to once every 3-4 months. She’s got sumitriptan to take when she gets one - sometimes it resolves after the visual disturbance before the headache but not always.

OP posts:
Gruntvsgunt · 05/10/2019 18:07

If my partner took kids out for the day I’d be over the moon, sounds like you did good.
However I do feel pretty shaky and weak post migraine and a bit grumpy, so she might be feeling awful still (although I do still think she is being unreasonable) .

GrumpiestCat · 05/10/2019 18:08

She was being unreasonable. You were doing all the work focusing on parenting and she got time and space to recoup. Best result overall given the circs. Yes it sucks being poorly when you have kids but most of the time you have to pile through!

She sounds like a bit of a princess but given the benefit of the doubt she might just be tired and upset.

WhatTiggersDoBest · 05/10/2019 18:08

@StonedRoses I was going to suggest sumatriptan (or a visit to a doctor) but sounds like you're both on top of that.
Migraines do make me snappy and "out of sorts" so I'd put it down to that and ignore the people who don't really understand that normal human beings snap at each other and also argue sometimes without there being any sinister underlying things going on.

Iloveacurry · 05/10/2019 18:08

She sounds quite selfish. You did the right thing by taking your son out. Peace and quiet for her. Did she really expect you to stay in because she had a migraine? Your son would of been bored and was looking forward to going out.

FuriousVexation · 05/10/2019 18:09

Fucking hell OP, you're being an absolute mug.

Major, major red flags here for an abusive relationship.

bookwormsforever · 05/10/2019 18:10

She doesn’t sound lovely.

What is she doing to work on the problems caused by her neediness??

NigesFakeWalkingStick · 05/10/2019 18:11

YANBU - she's perfectly capable of getting paracetamol and water herself. I get regular migraines and could weep with joy at the thought of having someone take my DS off my hands when I have them!

FuriousVexation · 05/10/2019 18:11

Sorry "mug" was really harsh. But you are absolutely coming across like a doormat. How much slack are you going to cut her before putting your DCs needs first?

NearlyGranny · 05/10/2019 18:12

Paracetamol won't touch a migraine. I hope she had s prescription drug for them.

A silent, empty house is perfect. I do know when I get better from one and get up, I fell weirdly hollow and unreal, like my own ghost, and not myself at all for a bit, probably until next day, so give her all the benefit of every doubt.

Is she doing too much? Mine were hormonal, but also triggered by stress at work, general overload and too much job-related screen work.

Hope she's soon bounced back and can enjoy the next family outing. It's no fun missing out and having to lie in a dark room without moving (except to throw up) while wishing for death!