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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - day out and partners migraine

170 replies

StonedRoses · 05/10/2019 17:31

No idea if I’ve behaved really badly or not - so want some suggestions. After a busy week we planned a family trip to a NT place just under an hr away
As we were setting off at 10:30ish my DW started with a migraine. She’s had them for yrs but now well controlled and only every few months.
So we turned round and she waited to see how it went. By 11:30 she decided she was going to bed and that we should still go. DS (9) very excited. We got there, had a play, lunch in the cafe and a walk round the grounds. Left about 3 but traffic bad so didn’t get back till after 4.
DW is furious that we stayed out ‘all day’ and abandoned her. My view is she was going for a lie down anyway and better off with kid out the house.
The only thing she’s said to me when I asked how she was doing was ‘well I haven’t died so I must be fine’
AIBU to take DS out for the day when she has a migraine and can’t join us anyway? I know how shit they can be but us staying at home wouldn’t make it better

OP posts:
MinTheMinx · 05/10/2019 18:46

I have frequent migraines too but as a single parent I have to deal with them myself, while looking after a child. You did the right thing OP. She needs to learn to manage her condition by herself and to realise that life isn't just about her needs any more (a bit harsh I know, but true nonetheless). Also, if it's a true migraine, doesn't she just need darkness and silence? Are you sure she's not confusing migraine with a bad headache? This might be a good time to start addressing her dependency issues anyway though as she does sound very controlling considering you've been left feeling guilty for enjoying time with your son. That's really not on and I hope you know that.

FizzyIce · 05/10/2019 18:48

One of my friends gets migraines a couple of times a week and doesn’t like her husband doing stuff with the kids without her so they kiss out on so much .
Doesn’t matter if your wife is a lovely person , it doesn’t mean she has a right to get shitty with you because you didn’t all mope around together , that’s just selfish .
Stop making excuses for her , it was one day and it’s practically over now so forget about it and move on

yellowallpaper · 05/10/2019 18:48

I think the migraine has just made her bad tempered and unreasonable. It's a whole day wasted lying in bed in pain just waiting for the damn thing to pass and losing the nice day you had all planned. Hopefully she will apologise, but I think it would be fair in a day or so to point out that there was no need to be snappy when you were doing your best.

meccacos2 · 05/10/2019 18:51

She doesn’t sound lovely.

Maybe it was just as well she had a migraine, so you could have some time with your son.

And no, she wasn’t dying - so that was melodramatic.

I have a rare form of migraine which is awful - but I found losing a heap of weight the best thing for it.

I wouldn’t expect someone to get me paracetamol and water.

If the migraine was as bad as she said then you did the right thing being out of the house for that period of time.

If all she was shitty you left her home for the afternoon (because she already felt better), then it was likely she just had a headache.

Because migraines don’t go in just a few hours. And any medication you take that is for a serious migraine knocks you out.

So your wife isn’t a lovely person. She’s controlling. Because she was home and miserable, she expected you and your son to be as well.

fantasmasgoria1 · 05/10/2019 18:53

She is being unreasonable. I prefer to be left alone when I get a migraine. And I agree with another poster, paracetamol doesn't touch a migraine. I take cocodamol 30 /500 and it doesn't always take it off.

VivienScott · 05/10/2019 18:58

If she’s well enough to demand your time and attention, she hasn’t got a proper migraine. I can’t function when I have one, laid up for days and would be grateful for time alone to shut the world out while I drugged myself into oblivion.

KarmaStar · 05/10/2019 19:00

Yanbu op.
Your dw is being very unreasonable.
She should be grateful you took your d's out so he had a good time and left her to recover in peace.
Hate to say this but in this short time span she had a migraine and had time to fume you weren't home earlier?
She needs to stop being so possessive,childish and selfish in mho.apologies for being harsh.

Talcott2007 · 05/10/2019 19:02

Wow! I get migraines occasionally and honestly if it's a 'real' one you can't do anything but be in a dark room. DH taking DD away is the best possible thing that can be done in this situation. The last one I had clashed badly with a big family holiday with the ILS. I was begging for them to all stop fussing coming in and asking if I needed anything! I just need to ride it out! Go away and have fun! Also If she gets migraines then surely there will have been specific medication prescribed by the gp to take - paracetamol won't touch it it's a totally different part if the brain that is affected to a headache etc.

GettingABitDesperateNow · 05/10/2019 19:04

Paracetamol don't help migraine.

She is being ridiculous and I say that as a fellow sufferer. I've had a lot recently, and I really appreciate my husband looking after the kids while I lie down. My biggest emotion is probably guilt (our kids are younger though so probably harder work) and sadness that I'm missing out as well.

I guess this is more about her unreasonable demands and hatred of being alone in general rather than some snappy comments she made while feeling shit. Unless you sod off all the time eg a few nights a week and more than a few hours on the weekend, then it's not you or both of you that need to work on her hatred of being alone - it's purely her

Witchofthenorth · 05/10/2019 19:04

You are absolutely NOT being unreasonable. I would be delighted if someone took the kids away when I had a migraine. AND I wouldn't give a flying fuck how long for, so long as me and the darkened room were not disturbed whilst said migraine was in session.

You seriously have a DW wife issue who clearly feels massively entitled.

Original poster
StonedRoses · 05/10/2019 19:05

It’s definitely a migraine - I’m a doc myself and these are classical. And it’s eased but still on going.

I think the poster who said this has put our problems into focus has hit the nail on the head. That’s why I wanted to see if i was unreasonable - because I’m far from perfect. I didn’t think to get her water or painkillers before going out, I stupidly overlooked it, which is a regular fault of mine

OP posts:
meccacos2 · 05/10/2019 19:06

She doesn’t like being left alone. So I don’t usually go out without her except for work or if she’s made plans. It has caused issues with our marriage but I’m working on that

It seems really selfish on her part.

Also, she isn’t modelling appropriate behaviours on your son.

I tell my partner to go out with his friends because he’s always so much happier when he comes home. He says he would prefer to be home with me and miserable.

Her not allowing you to go out, or there being repercussions when you do - is abusive.

AhNowTed · 05/10/2019 19:08

"I really enjoyed my day with my son, and I know its wrong ...."

Jesus man, of course it's not "wrong".

Stop being a bloody doormat.

BertrandRussell · 05/10/2019 19:09

Paracetamol? Are you sure we’re talking migraine here?

AhNowTed · 05/10/2019 19:10

And this

"because I’m far from perfect. I didn’t think to get her water or painkillers before going out, I stupidly overlooked it, which is a regular fault of mine"

She has you well and truly under the thumb and her needs trump yours and your sons.

meccacos2 · 05/10/2019 19:12

I didn’t think to get her water or painkillers before going out, I stupidly overlooked it, which is a regular fault of mine

She’s not an invalid, she had a headache!

Granted, if she had MS or epilepsy and you left her without assisting her with her medication then I could see how this could be an issue.

But you were looking after your son!

Your wife isn’t your patient! You don’t need to bring her paracetamol and water! She’s capable of getting them herself.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 05/10/2019 19:15

She is being unreasonable OP. I suspect she is upset about being left and is pretending she's cross about having to get her own meds because admitting the first reason is a bit needy and embarrassing. When I get like that, what I'm really looking for is a hug and spontaneous display of affection and sympathy from my partner. It doesn't have to be much - something like him saying "Sorry you're feeling awful love, it can't be much fun. Can I get you anything?" It sounds like she wants reassurance of affection, so that might help.

You really haven't done anything wrong here though!

namina · 05/10/2019 19:15

She's being very unreasonable! I get them really badly and just want to be alone in a dark room so I would appreciate it

iklboo · 05/10/2019 19:16

If I have a migraine I just want to transport to an entirely quiet, dark dimension and ride it out. I'd have been extremely grateful to DH if he'd taken DS out for the day (he's almost 14 now so it's a lot easier).

user1493494961 · 05/10/2019 19:16

She sounds needy.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 05/10/2019 19:18

I wouldn’t have even noticed how long you had gone if I had a full blown migraine. I just want to lie dead still in the dark. I am capable of getting myself painkillers and a water bottle even with a migraine (I get visual disturbance as well as pain).

How does she cope if she gets a migraine when she is out alone. I am sure there are many of us who have had to struggle home with a migraine so having to go and get a couple of paracetamol at home is doable.

I agree that there are bigger issues.

SunnyCoco · 05/10/2019 19:18

OP yanbu

I'd like the house to myself when I'm well, let alone when I'm ill 😂

TetherEndReached · 05/10/2019 19:19

Who gets her water and painkillers if she has a migraine while you're at work ?

BillywigSting · 05/10/2019 19:20

Yanbu at all. I get horrendous migraines too with stomach cramps and puking too.

Dp will leave a packet of painkillers and a big glass of water next to the bed for me, close the window and curtains and take helion ds out until I text him that it's passed.

On one occasion he even took ds to mils for the evening until bedtime (she gets them too and it was her idea) so I could lie there wishing I was dead in peace.

I can understand her being annoyed if she had to get up for water or medicine but otherwise she's either a) being very ungrateful or b) just had a headache not a migraine

Dieu · 05/10/2019 19:21

She sounds like a pain the arse, never mind the head.