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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU - day out and partners migraine

170 replies

StonedRoses · 05/10/2019 17:31

No idea if I’ve behaved really badly or not - so want some suggestions. After a busy week we planned a family trip to a NT place just under an hr away
As we were setting off at 10:30ish my DW started with a migraine. She’s had them for yrs but now well controlled and only every few months.
So we turned round and she waited to see how it went. By 11:30 she decided she was going to bed and that we should still go. DS (9) very excited. We got there, had a play, lunch in the cafe and a walk round the grounds. Left about 3 but traffic bad so didn’t get back till after 4.
DW is furious that we stayed out ‘all day’ and abandoned her. My view is she was going for a lie down anyway and better off with kid out the house.
The only thing she’s said to me when I asked how she was doing was ‘well I haven’t died so I must be fine’
AIBU to take DS out for the day when she has a migraine and can’t join us anyway? I know how shit they can be but us staying at home wouldn’t make it better

OP posts:
FurnitureAndBackgammon · 05/10/2019 19:26

I think understandably she’s pissed off that we’ve had fun whilst she’s been laid up in bed.

Err no, a good mum would be glad her child enjoyed themselves whilst she wasn't able to.

I stupidly overlooked it, which is a regular fault of mine

She's really done a number on you, hasn't she? Confused

Mammylamb · 05/10/2019 19:28

Sibvu!!!! I get migraines and the best thing to do is sleep them off. So DH taking DS out is ideal

FurnitureAndBackgammon · 05/10/2019 19:31

Who gets her water and painkillers if she has a migraine while you're at work ?

I'm guessing OP comes all the way home to get them for her Confused

Actionhasmagic · 05/10/2019 19:32

She’s mean

arethereanyleftatall · 05/10/2019 19:33

It really isn't very lovely to prefer that your own husband and child have a shit day just because you are. In fact, it's exceptionally selfish.

HeronLanyon · 05/10/2019 19:35

YANBU however I recently had an isolated migraine which was so bad that I had to phone my son to come be with me - thought I was going to pass out from pain and was sobbing and incoherent ! If it were one of those I would be frightened to be on my own. It doesn’t sound like that though. Sounds as though you did the sensible thing.

HeronLanyon · 05/10/2019 19:36

Dp not son.

Lipz · 05/10/2019 19:37

You weren't even gone that long . The only thing I'd be annoyed at is you weren't gone long enough. I take zomig for mine, if I'm out of them and have to go the gp or chemist to get more I usually end up walking the hour walk while vomiting on the side of the road.

FranklySonImTheGaffer · 05/10/2019 19:37

Regular migraine sufferer here. While I always appreciate DH bringing me a bottle of water and some medication (high dose aspirin in my case), I wouldn't blame him if he forgot. I'm an adult and can sort this stuff out on my own (and I'm prepared enough that I have medication upstairs, downstairs, in work and in my handbag).

Her not wanting to be alone sounds controlling to me and your comment
"we probably stayed out longer than we should because we were having fun and we didn’t have to go home" speaks volumes. There shouldn't be any restrictions on you spending time with your child / being able to go out!

MrsBobDylan · 05/10/2019 19:39

I would hazard that she had a headache rather than a migraine if she's well enough to feel anger at those around her.

I get migraines and am in bed for 5 days vomiting. I am extremely grateful my dh is kind enough to look after our kids and keep them away from me during that time. I get my own drinks, empty my own sick bowl and administer my own meds.

I think what your wife really needs op, is a grip.

ElizaPancakes · 05/10/2019 19:40

As a person who gets migraines, she’s being unreasonable. But if she’s still in the throes of it, maybe that’s influencing her behaviour?

That being said, I don’t believe I turn into an unreasonable selfish person when I’m not feeling well.

Whatsnewpussyhat · 05/10/2019 19:41

She could have easily got her own bloody painkillers.
Not liking being left alone is controlling as hell. She just doesn't want you going out alone.

billy1966 · 05/10/2019 19:47

Very strange behaviour and not nice.

I've never had a migraine but my son went through a period of them.

He was as weak as water and certainly wouldn't have had any energy to be giving out.

In fact, he appeared shell shocked for a couple of hours afterwards.

He loved a quiet house and darkness.

She sounds pretty. Why would she kick up a fuss after your son has had a nice day.

She doesn't sound nice or rational OP.

MitziK · 05/10/2019 19:47

DP gets me the tablets, takes them out of the pack for me, so I don't have to deal with the godawful noise tearing through my bursting head, puts them into my hand so I don't have to use my then malfunctioning and expanding eyes, puts the glass of water into my hand, takes it away and then places the chill pack he has already retrieved from the freezer onto whichever point on my skull I have vaguely indicated is the place most likely for my brain to emerge from. He then places covers over me, rearranges them near me if I can't handle anything touching my skin and leaves the darkened room, having pulled the curtains for me, unless I ask him to do something, anything, to my neck, face and head to try and equalise the pressure (at that point he could repeatedly insert a kitchen knife if it made the pain stop), where he will spend however long I need for the most exquisite agony to dissipate.

I don't demand this, but he gets migraines occasionally (hasn't had one since starting betablockers), so he knows what it feels like and does it because it helps.

There is no way in a full migraine that I would be capable of seeing to get down the stairs to the medicine cabinet without breaking my neck or leg (which in all honesty, would probably be preferable at that point to the pain in my head, neck, face, the numb arms and tongue and incoherent speech). I'd just lie where I fell and wait hopefully for the blessed relief of death.

Thankfully, I don't get them anywhere near as often as I used to and chill packs are absolutely fucking amazing, but had he tried to help by buggering off without at least making sure the room was dark and the water and pills were inside me first, I think I'd be pretty miffed.

Ritascornershop · 05/10/2019 19:50

Wow. You are nbu. She sounds a nightmare. I have chronic migraines and have not only managed to get my own water and triptans (chortling at the idea paracetamol would work on a migraine), I’ve raised 2 children from when they were quite little since I got divorced. She should be glad she got some peace and quiet and glad her family had a lovely day out. Some people!

MoonageDaydreamz · 05/10/2019 19:56

Another migraine sufferer here. You did the right thing, you entertained your child and had a lovely day with them whilst she was able to rest.

  1. Why should your child (and you) miss out on a nice day because she's ill - she's suffering so you all have to suffer? One of you still needed to be the parent.

She sounds very high maintenance and selfish xx

  1. She regularly gets migraines so know how to deal with them, it's not like she had a rapidly degenerating condition where you needed to worry.
AhNowTed · 05/10/2019 19:58

Let's call a spade a spade, she sounds like a self-absorbed madam. And the OP is dancing to her tune.

namechange4052 · 05/10/2019 19:59

She's being controlling, self-absorbed and ridiculous. It's not like you left her at home with your DS and went to the pub.

Justbimblingalong · 05/10/2019 20:01

@MitziK how on earth would you cope if you lived alone then, if you can't even manage to open a packet of tablets? I go through EXACTLY what you have described, have done since I had my first migraine over 30 years ago...and I've been on my own for the past 20 years and managed to open my own tablets, pour my own water and stumble my own way to bed! They are debilitating, sometimes lasting 5 days or more, with horrendous vomiting and double vision, but still, you know, with no choice but to tear my own foil, I manage 🤷‍♀️ As would the OP's wife! Learned helplessness is extremely unattractive.

Chickpearocker · 05/10/2019 20:04

My husband never checks on me when I have a migraine, he acts as though he is sick of me being ill and had said on occasion he doesn’t believe it’s migraine but a tension headache which I am causing myself. You sound like a lovely husband who is doing his best. I often have to function and look after the 2 children it’s not easy.

lynzpynz · 05/10/2019 20:14

I get horrific migraines, had one yday actually where poor hub had to work from home whilst looking after our 1 Yr old whilst I was sick, left eye felt like being stabbed, allergic to light and in his words 'looked like death' Hmm. His work were fab, really understanding and he is a kind caring hub. I'd never make him feel guilty for taking 1yr old out whilst I'm stuck inside suffering, although not having painkillers and water would be hell it's not your responsibility to sort this. As a migraine sufferer I ALWAYS make sure I have 3 x 300mg aspirin in the house and before I go to bed I get water. I have a bad migraine - I'm not suddenly quadraplegic.

I can understand her maybe snapping whilst she's in pain (everyone can be unreasonable when they're in pain) but once she's recovered and still behaving like this she's out of order. You didn't do anything wrong, you entertained your child and let her rest and she TOLD you to go out. I'd try to remain calm and rational but wouldn't back down about not being in the wrong about this. It is also not selfish to enjoy some one on one time with your son it's normal and really endearing.

musicalkitten · 05/10/2019 20:14

Yanbu when I have a migraine I need bed and the dark and to be left alone. I'd of been very grateful for you take DC out and letting me sleep it off in peace.
Don't feel guilty for enjoying your day op

MsChatterbox · 05/10/2019 20:21

You are not being unreasonable. She has had a day full of pain and so will feel agitated because of this. I would leave the topic and talk to her about it when she has had some proper rest without a migraine. Maybe ask her what she would like you to do in the future. But what you did was fine.

MitziK · 05/10/2019 20:23

@justbimblingalong same way I did when I did live alone. Not function for prolonged periods.

Eemamc · 05/10/2019 20:30

The best thing my husband did for me the last time I had a migraine was to take the baby out of the house. I was so grateful and fortunate that my husband had the day off that day, otherwise I would have really struggled. YWNBU