To refuse to let DD(16) go to this?

[flyingonions]

DD who turned 16 in June, and her friend who’s a year younger, have booked tickets to a concert in London on a Friday night next March. Bearing in mind we live just outside of south London, and the gig probably won’t finish until 10:30pm, AIBU to refuse to let her go? It’s an hour on the train there and back. I’m just so worried they get into trouble or hurt :/
I’ve never posted on here before but a friend introduced me to it a few weeks and I thought this may be a good topic for my first post, seeing as DD now sees me as an evil cow...

Don't tell her you will worry, she will just feel guilty and anxious. Let her enjoy herself and give her advice on being sensible and keeping safe, don't accept drinks off anyone, etc. She has to learn how to stay safe on her own.

I went to Leeds festival at 16, and I can only assume my mum didn't have a clue what it was like as I can't imagine letting my precious baby go 🤣

Personally id be happier letting 2 16 year old girls who feel confident to do this, go to the concert than go to a very local house party where parents are away and there will be loads of alcohol and people staying over night and probably having drunken sex.

If your DD is a sensible type, you need to let her grow her freedom. It is your issue and fears really, not that she's incapable or thebworld is so dangerous that she can't go into it. Yes, to preparing her for it, thinking through the different possibilities and planning journeys etc with them. She will have a phone and can always seek advice along the way if needed.

And yes to helping her spread her wings little by little before that event. It's all about gradual growing independence, not getting the full lot in one go.

I go to gigs at Ally Pally quite a bit.

Crowds walk down the hill en masse to the station afterwards, or get the 43 bus in Muswell Hill to Highgate tube. It’s nowhere near Edgware.

It’s a peaceful well heeled suburb, and totally appropriate for a near 17 year old to travel home from with a friend.

Good festival vibe at the venue too.

I remember my mum having a go at me about 6/7 years ago, about going into a couple of pubs after going to the theatre in London-anything could of happened to me at that time of night in London
At the time I was with 2 friends & 40 years old
As mothers, I dont think we ever stop worrying about our kids-which theyll always be to us

Leeds and Reading Festivals are mostly GCSE students who have collected their results, as far as I can see.

I was far more worried about the 4 days at Reading Festival than I was about the gigs in London.

ShabbyNat that's hilarious!

Well I am off to a party in a pub / club in C London tonight and will be coming home on the night tube and bus after 1am.

My teen said 'Oh no, will you be in a fit state to get the right bus?'.

If at 16 nearly 17 you think she's too naive and shy to go to a concert in London that's even more of a reason to let her go tbh. She will never learn to be more confident if you wrap her up in bubblewrap. It's perfectly normal for year 12 age teenagers to take hour long train rides, be out at 10.30, go to concerts.

Incidentally do you think she might be like that because everytime she tries to do age appropriate activities you stop her and tell her your worried

Let her go and don't tell her your worried about her. It's natural for parents to worry about their children at this age, but it's also important that you let them grow up and don't show them your worries. She shouldn't be made to feel guilty and anxious about going

When I was 16, I took a week off 6th form, travelled form wales to London to stay with my friend at her uni. Went out every night, on the tube, the night bus, and travelled back to wales again on my own. I was fine, and a little welsh girl who’s never been on the tube etc. She’ll be fine! Tell her she can go and be the best mum ever!!

It's a very good opportunity to gain managed risk skills. Hope you decide to let her go.

Assuming it’s Sam Fender, about half the venue will be 16 year old girls, who are more than capable of attending a concert independently! Not likely to be a gig with kick off and stabbings outside.

At the same age I merrily disappeared to the next city (an hour and a half from my house) at 9am to queue outside concert venues so I could be on the front barrier, had the gigs end at 10.30, sprinter the 15 minute walk to the train station in order to catch the last train at 11.04, an hour train home and then a dodgy last bus home!

Sorry squeaver, I just looked at a map but it wasn't detailed. I've now looked at another map and couldn't see Edgware anywhere near :-).
Not to worry.

She'll be fine op but you cannot prevent her from going anyway.
When I was fifteen, back in the dark ages, I went to see Bob Dylan at the RAH and later saw the Beat poets there - didn't go home afterwards because I met some 'interesting' people and went back to theirs for a bit of social interraction. I'm sure your daughter will return home on time.

PS: I'm going potty, I meant Wood Green. D'oh!

If you’re not happy you travel to and fro with them and find something to do whilst they’re at the concert. Comes with the territory of being parent of a teen round here where public transport is terrible.

My teens that age would shrivel from embarrassment if I tried to accompany them with friends on a public transport route across London.
You really can’t treat an almost 17 year old like that because your own sense of perspective is out of control.

@Stillabitemo it is Sam Fender, lol.
The thing that worries me really is that DD is very book-smart, straight A student etc but she is completely not streetwise at all. She’s quite a wallflower and has never had a huge circle of friends- never done houseparties (on the basis she isn’t invited bless her, and she probably wouldn’t want to go either, she’s not that type of kid)
I think she wants to go for the music really, it’s one of her biggest interests. Thanks for all the advice :)

Honestly op, don’t tell her you’re worried, it’s not necessary plus you have no need to worry. She is in sixth form and nearly 17, it is a completely age appropriate activity and would be utterly ridiculous for you to travel with them on public transport. I think at nearly 17 there’s very little you should realistically be preventing them from doing.

Your daughter doesn't need to be particularly streetwise to go to a concert, surely?

DS went to Wembley from the Midlands on the train at 15 to watch his football team in a cup final. It didn't occur to me to try and stop him, he was with a friend, was sensible and had planned his route. I just got him an Oyster card and made sure he had enough money in case he missed his train and needed to get a later one.

Ah, bless her OP.

“she is completely not streetwise at all. She’s quite a wallflower and has never had a huge circle of friends”

It s even more important that she goes out and does this with a friend and has it to talk about at school.

Tell her she can go. It’s months away, if it would help you could always do the journey with her in the meantime.

I think it's ok but I would probably insist on picking her up or getting her an Uber to her friend's house.
Not for any reason other than my own piece of mind.

I was first allowed to use public transport alone at 18 to go to university interviews. Prior to that I was always driven door to door and not really encouraged to go out after dark. As for asking to do something, that was expected as the polite and respectful thing to do while living with your parents, as was accepting their decision on the matter. I left for uni completely naive and with minimal survival skills. By Christmas I was in what became an abusive relationship, I didn't know how to assess people's intentions or ward off predators. I guess what I'm saying is that having grown up with high levels of parental anxiety about going out etc I can understand where you are coming from but from the child's POV start building some independence and resilience and street wise ness.

She’s old enough. Don’t stop her going or she’ll stop telling you what she’s doing.

If she is not street wise this is a good moment for her to start building confidence. As others have said - don't let her leave home thinking the world is a terrifying place.

She will be going to a safe concert in a very nice part of London with good transport links - it will be very busy - I went to a concert at Ali Pali recently and it's like coming out of a theatre - lots of people crowding onto busy well lit platforms.

The worst thing here is you saying you will tell her how worried you are - why on earth would you do that??? YOu want to burden her with totally unnecessary fears and anxieties and feel guilty about doing something completely normal for her age.

CampingItUp I thought it was hilarious too, which is why it always sticks in my mind I`d also got teenage daughters at the time, that were at home with their dad

She did well to get the tickets for Sam Fender!

I don’t think I’ll ever not worry about DC going out but this seems completely age appropriate