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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To refuse to let DD(16) go to this?

145 replies

flyingonions · 05/10/2019 14:49

DD who turned 16 in June, and her friend who’s a year younger, have booked tickets to a concert in London on a Friday night next March. Bearing in mind we live just outside of south London, and the gig probably won’t finish until 10:30pm, AIBU to refuse to let her go? It’s an hour on the train there and back. I’m just so worried they get into trouble or hurt :/
I’ve never posted on here before but a friend introduced me to it a few weeks and I thought this may be a good topic for my first post, seeing as DD now sees me as an evil cow...

OP posts:

Justaboy · 05/10/2019 15:56

so I think I’ll end up letting her go

Well let her go!, let her go into the big wide world that she will sooner or hopefully not to much later she will have to face.

Its part of her growing up and part of your being a parent times for you are changing she not a little girl anymore she becoming a grown woman OK that dosent happen over night.

But it has to start somewhere and a gig in the smoke is as good as any.

Bin there dun that as a dad of three lovely daughters:)

squeaver · 05/10/2019 15:57

@Rachelover60
Alexandra Palace is nowhere near Edgware.

They'll get the train back from Haringey station or the Northern Line from Highgate.

GreenTulips · 05/10/2019 15:59

I was in London a few weeks ago. It didn’t feel unsafe at all. No bother all weekend. Even late at night on the tube.

Nofunkingworriesmate · 05/10/2019 16:01

She will be out at uni or work doing late nights in a year or two ! she sounds sensible she will be with sensible friend

Doyouavocado · 05/10/2019 16:01

Wow, I went on my first girls holiday to Tenerife at 17 for a fortnight. Let her go to the gig.

BlueJava · 05/10/2019 16:07

I'd let her go but would explain I'm worried (just cos I'm her mum!) and offer to pay for an uber for them both. I understand your concern it's not healthy to try and protect her from everything. Get her to agree to stick with her friend and also let you know when she in.

pumkinspicetime · 05/10/2019 16:16

It is a good area they are going to OP.

backagaintothementalpit · 05/10/2019 16:18

Call 101 just in case

I was doing this kind of thing at that age, and further afield. So were my DC at that age.

Its London on a busy Saturday night, not nomansland in a conflict zone.*

Indeed, I was allowed to go to 50 miles each way to my first 'proper' gig in central london aged 15, with friends, on a school night no less and before mobile phones. It's nothing to do with 'cool parenting', trust wasn't broken it was strengthened.

By 16 I was off backpacking around europe with 2 girlfriends for 6 weeks, again without mobile phones and internet cafes were few and far between. The hysteria on display in this thread is worrying, frankly. If you can join the army, work full time and get married at 16 then why not go to a pop concert at Alexandra Palace of all places, it's not some squat in hackney ffs (though we were doing that sometimes just not telling mum and dad.

It was always my friends with cottonwool parents that turned out either completely off the rails, terrified of everything or just a bit weird.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 05/10/2019 16:23

Mine used to go to gigs in the middle of Manchester at that age and, to be honest, we used to go and pick them up (45 minute drive).

At 18 they were at uni in Manchester and probably falling out of nightclubs in the small hours.

It’s a gradual process of letting go: you know your child best.

LellyMcKelly · 05/10/2019 16:23

Why on earth would you tell her you’re worried? Are you trying to put a dampener on her evening? Let her go and enjoy herself. At 16 she’s old enough.

kateandme · 05/10/2019 16:25

it does come across as though your daughter is quite new to this?unless that is jsut what your writing.so unlike other 16 year olds pp mention ho do this stuff all the time i do then think there are more things to be wary of.but that doesnt mean she shouldnt start now.
you of course know your daughter best and how she is able and what she can be comfortable with doing.but since she booked and asked to go i take it she knows she wil be fine.
so have confidence in her.
let her know she can call any time.
maybe ask her to text you when shes home.
i would still do the safety coded text message.so if she get into trouble she can do a coded message which alerts you to her needing help etc.they teach this to kids going to parties as an easy out whithout elerting anyone if they are in trouble and i think its a brilliant idea.
are you friendly with her friends mother.perhaps talk to her,im sure she could calm your nerves.

ErickBroch · 05/10/2019 16:30

If you're worried pick them up from the station, I was going to gigs in London from the age of 14 alone and my parents would drop and pick me up from the station, and I would have to keep in touch via phone when I was there/when it was over etc. I didn't mind at all.

I do think YABU for not wanting her to go (originally, I know you have changed your mind) but she still does live at home with you so if you wanted to pick her and her mate up and make sure they weren't walking around at midnight I think that is more than fair

Branster · 05/10/2019 16:30

At that age she will be fine. Discuss all safety issues with her, make sure they all stay together all the time and make it absolutely clear you are available for lifts at any time of the day or night no matter what and no questions asked if there is an issue she doesn’t want to share with you.
Mine started going to concerts in London with mixed group of friends since 16 and the more they do it, the more they learn how to navigate safety issues. Similar travel distance and never missed the train back. They are girls and boys within 2 years difference between themselves, all sensible and always looking out for each other. However DD has been allowed to go shopping in London with friends without parents since 14 and we’ve always used FindMyPhone otherwise I wouldn’t let her go. I won’t lie, first couple of times shopping and concerts I was so, so worried. I still am because of terrorist threats and stabbing and general bad things that can happen but they need to do these things and be independent. You are at the and of phone and you can always go there is she wants your help for anything’s the very short notice.

TatianaLarina · 05/10/2019 16:31

I saw Prince at Wembley when I was 16, I don’t know if I even asked my mum tbh. I’d been to a fair few pop concerts by then. I went to Paris with my friends when I was 17.

Mumofboth · 05/10/2019 16:36

I totally understand your fears but you do need to let her go. I’m really over protective and worry every time my teen goes out but your DD won’t be alone at all and tell her to keep her phone out of sight. Also explain to her what to do in an emergency. Statistically speaking she’s unlikely to come to any harm. But it’s hard.

FuriousVexation · 05/10/2019 16:42

She will be fine. You could always go and pick them up. Your DDs cover story (presuming she doesn't want her friend to hear "my mum doesn't trust me to go out on my own at night") could be that you happened to meet up with an old colleague for dinner in London so it makes sense for you to bring them both home.

Lots of young adults become independent and move out at 16. If they're working full time and in a flatshare then they've probably got more money than your average student. I moved out at 16 when I had a full time job. I remember I met up with an ex school friend about a year later and I was shocked how immature she seemed to me.

Londonmummy66 · 05/10/2019 16:44

CampingItUp has some excellent advice - basically the ground rules I have for my two. Additionally I always make them plan an alternative route home - eg if the tube line they were planning on using was up the creek etc.(bitter experience from living in London) and I agree with the PP who suggested that she has a back up £20 elsewhere on her in case she loses her bag/purse.

puppyconfetti · 05/10/2019 16:51

If it were mine she would have booked herself a hotel and gone shopping in Oxford street the next day.

We are 6 hours from London and she was 16 when she first went alone.

BG2015 · 05/10/2019 16:53

You definitely need to let her go.

It's hard when they want to do stuff on their own but you really need to let her spread her wings.

Catapillarsruletheworld · 05/10/2019 16:57

I moved out when I was her age. She’ll be fine.

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 05/10/2019 16:57

Please, please don't tell her you're worried. Why would you want her to be worried for you? It doesn't get a lot safer than Alexandra Palace and regardless she is only doing what 14, 15,16 year olds all over the country are doing.

Does she not go out past 10.30 at the moment? She needs to really just for practice...

Queenoftheashes · 05/10/2019 16:58

Whatever you do, don’t watch taken

QueefLatifah · 05/10/2019 17:11

Let her go.

You can’t hold on to her forever.

rainbowunicorn · 05/10/2019 17:13

Of course she should go, she will be nearly 17, you are being ridiculous. Please don't project your fears on to her. All you will do is spoil the experience for her.

joystir59 · 05/10/2019 17:13

She is old enough to get married FFS!

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