I feel like I hate my child- abusive ex & parental alienation/ family court

[faffooo]

I know iabu. I need help.

I am devastated. When my ds was little, I left his dad due to extreme emotional, coercive, sexual and psychological abuse. I was a shadow of my former self and couldn't say boo to a goose. It was like coming out of a cult, that was the reach of his control.
I got to a place of safety and did all the right things. Freedom programme, parenting courses, reporting the abuse etc. This was before the law changed re coercive control.

Slowly I rebuilt my confidence, my ds and I had a wonderful period where I could be the nurturing mother I yearned to be and he blossomed, even though he had some problems with separation anxiety. He was an amazing little boy.

Then ex took me to court for child contact.
This is where it all went wrong.
It is seen as more important to have contact with father than the toxic abusive stuff. I had to be seen to be supportive of the relationship or I'd be considered abusive.

Now ds sees his dad regularly and he is not the child he should be. He's now 8 and repeats all the abusive stuff his dad said, in the same voice. He hits me and tries to control every movement I make.
I remind him calmly that we use kind words in this house but he screams at me and wishes I was dead, and that he will celebrate. He destroys the house if I don't do as I'm told.
I know therapeutic parenting works, I've done it. But it gets undermined again and again when going to ex.

I am starting to feel my love trickle away and just want to get away from this awful toxic atmosphere.
I have gone to Ss and school and all they offer is more parenting courses. There is no solution to the elephant in the room- ex.

I wish I had never had him. I am so sad and miss my beautiful boy. I can't go on like this.

Thanks if you've got this far.

@TheTrollFairy- because the "decent father's" are just hiding what they are really like from new girlfriend...

because the "decent father's" are just hiding what they are really like from new girlfriend
In some cases I agree... but not in all cases. Some parents (and it works both ways) do just simply ignore a court order in terms of allowing the other parent access

*I agree with many previous posters. Children are sacrificed at the alter of fathers rights. Abusive men are never held to account. Its contact at all costs.

I know of one case where the father served several years in prison for sexually abusing his daughter. The mother was threatened with a reversal of residence by CAFCASS if she was not supportive of contact when he got out.*

Sorry but this simply wouldn’t happen. I understand that the family court is criticised, and certainly is far from perfect, but there is no such thing as “contact at all costs” and Cafcass would never recommend a child lives with a child sex offender. Not in a million years.

If I could give just one bit of advice, it'd be to try and find a really, really good family lawyer who specialises in this sort of thing, rather than a random high street one. I don't know what your financial circumstances are like, but if anything was ever worth making sacrifices or running up a credit card bill, it's this. Or if you're really struggling, some top family firms do some degree of pro bono work.

Yes, family courts are hard to manoeuvre, but people in your situation do manage to get full custody - and I think the solicitor and barrister makes a huge difference to that.

You need someone who's going to work with you and come up with a plan, not just go through the motions. The bit where your previous lawyer suggested not submitting potentially helpful evidence makes me think they fall into the latter camp.

And then you need to start preparing to go back to court (using all the tools people have mentioned) and take the fight to him, rather than living in fear of him doing that to you.

So sorry you're going through this.

Hello, I wondered how you were getting on with your son. My stbx is now doing this to my boys. And I wondered if you had any information about how best to handle this.

Hi OP just wondering how you are doing now? I know this is an old thread but I really hope things are better for you and your son x