I feel like I hate my child- abusive ex & parental alienation/ family court

[faffooo]

I know iabu. I need help.

I am devastated. When my ds was little, I left his dad due to extreme emotional, coercive, sexual and psychological abuse. I was a shadow of my former self and couldn't say boo to a goose. It was like coming out of a cult, that was the reach of his control.
I got to a place of safety and did all the right things. Freedom programme, parenting courses, reporting the abuse etc. This was before the law changed re coercive control.

Slowly I rebuilt my confidence, my ds and I had a wonderful period where I could be the nurturing mother I yearned to be and he blossomed, even though he had some problems with separation anxiety. He was an amazing little boy.

Then ex took me to court for child contact.
This is where it all went wrong.
It is seen as more important to have contact with father than the toxic abusive stuff. I had to be seen to be supportive of the relationship or I'd be considered abusive.

Now ds sees his dad regularly and he is not the child he should be. He's now 8 and repeats all the abusive stuff his dad said, in the same voice. He hits me and tries to control every movement I make.
I remind him calmly that we use kind words in this house but he screams at me and wishes I was dead, and that he will celebrate. He destroys the house if I don't do as I'm told.
I know therapeutic parenting works, I've done it. But it gets undermined again and again when going to ex.

I am starting to feel my love trickle away and just want to get away from this awful toxic atmosphere.
I have gone to Ss and school and all they offer is more parenting courses. There is no solution to the elephant in the room- ex.

I wish I had never had him. I am so sad and miss my beautiful boy. I can't go on like this.

Thanks if you've got this far.

If you can afford it I would suggest getting a therapist for your son. I’ve been in his position as a child and it’s very difficult.

I would try counselling together for you and your son. A safe place where a therapist can carefully draw answers out of him about his behaviour towards you, so it's not seen as you antagonising him with questions /shouting.

If you continue counselling long term, your son may be able to see through the therapists help that he doesn't need to follow in his father's footsteps.

for you OP. Sorry no advice but my heart really goes out to you.

How is it that decent fathers who want to see their kids are denied because the other parent (usually the mum) refuses to allow access but when a father shouldn’t be allowed access the courts allow it with no thought for the damage it will do to the other parent (usually the mum) and child

I have no advise unfortunately OP.

It would be interesting to know what would happen if you just didn’t send your son to contact? (My friends daughters mum just doesn’t turn up and nothing seems to happen to her regardless of the court order in place)

I had similar with my ds, his dad managed to persuade him to move out from living with me & go to live with him. Ds didn't speak to me for 4 months & it took ages to rebuild our relationship, dad eventually threw him out but not until ds had seen his true side, ds is now back with me & refused to have any contact with dad. Sometimes you have to let them see for themselves & realise what is right or wrong.

I can't not make ds available for contact. It would be taken back to court and go against me.

Has anyone got any advice/ tips on how to keep calm/ not lose my shit / not show my distress when ds is like this? When he's so like his dad and I go cold in fear and sadness and he attacks me physically.

I need a way of staying in control, keeping calm. I'm scared of my visceral fight or flight feelings.

Any help so very gratefully received.

Do you have anyone you can talk to, completely openly, on a regular basis - they need to be a good listener and supportive? If you can process your feelings, anger and frustration etc regularly I think that will help you maintain calm when your DS is around.

The family court system is a disaster. I am so sorry you are caught up in it too

I would really recommend play therapy for your son. It really helped my son he is a different child since. And it helped me know there was a neutral professional supporting my child (without any of the ghastly cafcass agenda).

Come join us at #thecourtsaid

And take a tiny microscopic bit of comfort in knowing that most judges that sit in family court know cafcass are deeply flawed and feel really fed up too (my dad sits as a judge in family courts and was the first to warn me they aren't fit for purpose, largely because cafcass are so drastically flawed yet hold more power than the judges)

You should definitely not run - if you do, the whole ‘neglect/emotional abuse’ tag comes into play and you risk a conviction and negative impacts on employability and YOUR chance of living a happy, independent life.

It goes without saying that the ‘system’ in this country can be an absolute bloody disgrace, damages kids and gives totally inadequate parents rights and power that they should not have.

I have been in a similar situation and my advice to you would be to hang on in there with gritted teeth until your son is 16 - be pleasant to your ex - give him what he wants.

Eventually, either your son will see him for what he is and eventually maintain a healthy relationship with you or he will side with his Dad and become increasingly difficult for you. If this happens, you hand him over to your ex when he’s 16 and legally relinquish all responsibility until such a time as he sees sense.

You have to look after your own mental and physical health - you don’t deserve this but you can get through this.

Be a great parent.
Access as much support as you can (Family Rights Group are excellent especially if you’re dealing with the incompetence and misjudgement of SS and the family courts)
Do not hesitate to inform the Police if there is any physical abuse from your son.
NEVER lose it with your ex - be dignified, calm and totally unemotional - more power to you, trust me.
Try to stay strong - it will end and there’s a good chance you will manage an excellent relationship with your son one day xxx

You need to get therapy for yourself.

The reason I suggest this is because you’re projecting your feelings about your ex onto your 8 year old. Some of his behaviour may even be normal 8 year old stuff as well as the fact his dad is messing him up. This isn’t his fault, he’s just a kid reacting to his surroundings and upbringing.

Only a professional can work through this with you and your responses to your child.

Your son needs to know that you understand what he's going through, even if you can't make everything better for him.
Being completely calm and positive about your ex could seem, to your son, as if you don't understand.

That's not criticism of you - I know you're doing your best in horrendous circumstances.

I hope all the advice on here is helpful to you.

Well your ds us responsible for his own behaviour, I think blaming it on his father is just enabling your ds to continue in this vein.

@faffooo I can't remember if it was this thread or another but the "How to talk so kids will listen" book is brilliant for tips on keeping your perspective.

However, I do wonder if you are having a PTSD type response to your DS when he is abusive which would require some more intensive support. Perhaps some kind of trauma informed CBT or hypnotherapy? Others may have a better idea. Take care

Well your ds us responsible for his own behaviour, I think blaming it on his father is just enabling your ds to continue in this vein

At the age of 8, he very much is reacting to his circumstances. Talk of “enabling” is ridiculous

All I can say is (a) it’s fucked and (b) the more
Help you can now to stay sane and cope, the more likely your son is to make his own choices when he is older
I can Imagine your very very valid fear that your ex will ruin him . But if you take measures with sports , your own mental health , then his mental health - you can get to a state when you can calmly explain to him

Mark my words his horrible behaviour is because he is unhappy . I have had similar with my own son

Please don’t give up but do everything you can to get your MH better as you need to be strong

I am so sorry . Whilst I see why people are saying to run away it’s very risky given the circumstances

grief yes I think you are right, I am in fight or flight sometimes when ds is in his worst behaviour, it's so reminiscent of his dad that I am transported back and I feel in shock and helpless.
. A lot of the time I can remain calm- tonight he kept up a 2 hour tirade against my visiting friend trying to get her to leave ( for no reason- she is like a second mother to him, and he loves her and was looking forward to her visit) he needed to be in control. We kept each other calm and used strategies we have learned and he eventually calmed. But on my own I tire.
Thank you so much for everyone's advice. It's so so tough but just having an outlet helps.

1. Visit GP, request Play therapy/Art therapy for your son for him to express his feelings, if unsuccessful try going private.
2. Record the outbursts from your son, especially when he's saying things like 'daddy said this' etc.
3. Keep a log of behaviour, both your ex and your son.
4. Keep logging it with social services, school (as it will be affecting his education) etc, what he's doing is emotional abuse towards both you AND your son.
5. Get therapy for yourself.
6. Get joint therapy for you AND your son.

CAHMS may also prove useful although it can be notoriously difficult to be accepted onto their lists.

@faffooo can you ask witnesses to write reports and have them witnessed by a neutral third party?

Hello again - I remembered this link I saw in another context: beaconhouse.org.uk/useful-resources/.

Although it is a local service serving a specific area, they have lots of free resources which help people to recognise the role of trauma in shaping behaviour. I was recommended the "what we say" comic (from the school of thought that all behaviour is communication.

I wonder if some of the other resources might be beneficial for you and your family and friends who are supporting you? You may even be able to find out if there is a similar service near you.

Best of luck to you and your son. Take all the help you can get when you can get it so when you are on your own you have a little more strength.

@Griefmonster would women's aid be able to help too?

'How is it that decent fathers who want to see their kids are denied because the other parent (usually the mum) refuses to allow access but when a father shouldn’t be allowed access the courts allow it with no thought for the damage it will do to the other parent (usually the mum) and child'

Because the 'decent fathers' are full of shit?

I think videoing the outbursts and showing them to the Dr and the school would be good as a PP said.
I have similar going on but my DC is much older than yours, I have refused to see them until the abuse stops. I had this abuse from ex FIL, ex H my own DC and now the DGC is doing the same.

Perhaps you could leave the room or ask your DC to go to another room when the outbursts start. It is hard to take abuse from your own DC and or DGC. I know as an adult I am expected to understand but I can not allow myself to be damaged by the fourth person. It has caused a lot of damage in the past from which took ages to have any recovery at all. We should not take abuse.

"Well your ds us responsible for his own behaviour, I think blaming it on his father is just enabling your ds to continue in this vein."

Maybe if he was eightEEN instead of 8, this might apply - currently it's an utterly mad suggestion.
The child is reacting to his circumstances, his unsettled feelings, his disrupted life and his father's abuse - he's EIGHT. He can't be held to be making a reasoned choice for behaving the way he does.

grief thank you for that link is so helpful. I'm pinning that 'what we say' graphic to my fridge.