I feel like I hate my child- abusive ex & parental alienation/ family court

[faffooo]

I know iabu. I need help.

I am devastated. When my ds was little, I left his dad due to extreme emotional, coercive, sexual and psychological abuse. I was a shadow of my former self and couldn't say boo to a goose. It was like coming out of a cult, that was the reach of his control.
I got to a place of safety and did all the right things. Freedom programme, parenting courses, reporting the abuse etc. This was before the law changed re coercive control.

Slowly I rebuilt my confidence, my ds and I had a wonderful period where I could be the nurturing mother I yearned to be and he blossomed, even though he had some problems with separation anxiety. He was an amazing little boy.

Then ex took me to court for child contact.
This is where it all went wrong.
It is seen as more important to have contact with father than the toxic abusive stuff. I had to be seen to be supportive of the relationship or I'd be considered abusive.

Now ds sees his dad regularly and he is not the child he should be. He's now 8 and repeats all the abusive stuff his dad said, in the same voice. He hits me and tries to control every movement I make.
I remind him calmly that we use kind words in this house but he screams at me and wishes I was dead, and that he will celebrate. He destroys the house if I don't do as I'm told.
I know therapeutic parenting works, I've done it. But it gets undermined again and again when going to ex.

I am starting to feel my love trickle away and just want to get away from this awful toxic atmosphere.
I have gone to Ss and school and all they offer is more parenting courses. There is no solution to the elephant in the room- ex.

I wish I had never had him. I am so sad and miss my beautiful boy. I can't go on like this.

Thanks if you've got this far.

Im so sorry this is so awful.

I agree with other posters saying diary of events, etc

Cafcass?

Selma I try very hard to be neutral or supportive about ex in front of ds. It's hard when he's saying 'daddy says your this and that' not to defend yourself. I tell him this is for grown ups to worry about.
And he threatens me with spending more time with ex if I don't do what he wants- hurtful as it is, I always remain calm and say it's ok if he does, it's for him to decide, I want him to feel happy. Then he gets angry and says he hates ex and he hits him and being forced to go is horrible.
I empathise but offer my help in how we can problem solve- he has to go, how can we make it easier for him?

I have reported hitting and other stuff ds has mentioned to school& ss but ds has to have said it to them.

Following closely @faffooo. I am going through excactly the same with my abusixve ex and 8 to DD

8 yo dd

I have no advise.

But it's absolutely crazy a woman can't take a child out of this situation and run. The courts need this abusive man (and so many others) to have to have access to young children. It's awful.

There was someone on here before whose child had autism, the abusive father was given full custody, the child had bruises and was punished extremely for any behaviour, including being forbidden from speaking to his mother.

Surely this has to change for the safety of children?

Mothers aren't listened to. There is the feeling the courts have heard it all before, but of course they would have as only abusive/ oppositional men take it to court, a lot of reasonable people separate and use common sense or mediation to sort out child contact.

Something needs to change as children are being sacrificed on the alter of 'fathers rights'.

When you are in the relationship you are encouraged to get out, get your children safe,
Then family court enables the abusive partner contact without the protection of the other parent.

You are doing so well and you know you can do this. Because you have to. You have run out of resources temporarily and so have nothing to fall back on. Your first priority is rest and recouperation in whatever moments you can snatch . Get your resilience back up and forgive yourself.

You have an opportunity every time you interact with you dear dear DS. There is always another chance to practice your loving compassion. You may not handle every interaction perfectly or every day or every week, but long term you have a commitment to your DS that your ex does not have. This WILL make a difference.

I wonder if your DS lashes out so much to you not because he hates you but because he knows you will love him regardless, unconditionally. Something he DOES NOT get from your ex.

It sounds like you are doing all the right things for your DS but you have lost faith in your strength. Ask for help, cry on a shoulder or down a helpline and steel yourself for another day.

Much love and compassion for you and your lucky lucky DS

Passthewine 😞

I find it mindbending that you were advised not to take forward the SS's letter of concern with the court. Aren't they supposed to be the experts? .

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Your ds is being abused and I'm so sorry that the court are enabling it.

I'd try to find ds a mentor or counsellor and hope he discloses the physical abuse to them.

Thank you so much for your supportive words. I feel so ashamed of myself.
I have strong moral values of compassion and kindness and I feel sick that this situation is changing me. I feel disconnected from my values. Values I want ds to learn.

I am an intelligent, creative person. I can't seem to navigate my way out of this.

he gets angry and says he hates ex and he hits him and being forced to go is horrible.

It sounds as if he's angry with you for not letting him stop seeing ex.
As a child, of course he doesn't understand why he's being made to do this.

I confess to knowing nothing about this but wonder if you can get counseling for DS that would reveal how he feels about the contact with ex.
Aren't courts meant to take the child's views into account?

this system is despicable that it puts the rights of the father to see his child over what's in the best interests of the child. it isn't in a child's internet to have to see an abusive parent. agree with the pp also that I don't understand the logic that an abusive partner will be a good parent. beggars belief.

Honestly, I would up and leave and change names and basically run away. I’m all for the law and stuff but sometimes, like your situation, you just gotta do what you gotta do.

Category it's because cafcass are in fact social workers and wouldn't want outside ones coming in to tell them their job. I told ss the situation but in cafcass' eyes it's biased as I'm the only source of info. Cafcass have to be 'balanced'.

youngminds.org.uk/find-help/for-parents/parents-guide-to-support-a-z/parents-guide-to-support-counselling-services/

This is no help to you but my heart goes out to you reading this. If he drags you back to court, insist that the letter be submitted this time. HOpefully the fact that you held it back the first time will show a judge that you weren't gleefully producing it.

Is there a possibility that you could push for supervised contact only, even if you can't get contact stopped? Sounds like the supervision improves ex's behaviour. (Apols if you've already tried that!).

ss on my 'side' and wrote to court with their concerns. Unfortunately they don't like being told their job and solicitor advised not to submit as it would put their back up.

This sounds appalling. How can that be right?
I suggest submitting all evidence you have, from professionals involved.
Not submitting it clearly didn't help.

Child's views- ds was asked whether he wanted overnight contact in front of ex, at the observation. Ds said yes as he didn't want to hurt his feelings.

If the contact was healthy I'd support it. I know I will never win at reducing or stopping contact. It's not how it works.

I need to survive and be healthy for ds until he can decide for himself. I'm finding it so hard at the moment.

I know I'll be criticised for agreeing with @TheDarkPassenger but it did cross my mind as well when I was in these shoes. Go to the west of Ireland. Change your name to something like Sarah White. Or some expat part of spain, or even Gibraltar, or somewhere where you could start again without sticking out like a sore thumb.

I also have to say, I am not meant to discuss court proceedings whilst it's going on . It is over so I think I'm ok now, not sure where I stand if he takes me back.
Family court is secret and I could be in contempt. So seeking help is hard whilst you're in it.

Supervised contact- we started with that. It is not permanent and is staggered with a view to full contact.

If he says "Daddy said this about you", you are perfectly within legal AND moral bounds to gently, in an age appropriate manner, correct the facts.

It's in fact a kindness to correct lies which are upsetting your child because he hates to think badly of you.

Abusive men count on women saying nothing, ever, even to defend themselves - whilst these bastards defame and slander us to every listening ear within radius - including to our own children. It's time to speak up.

OP your situation is so similar to mine I could have written parts of your post myself, so I feel for you.

I don't have any advice because I understand how the system works and how impossible it is. I think the only solution - which is one of the only things you can control - is to try and get some counselling for yourself to help you deal with these feelings and have some strategies to be able to deal with the situation with your DS.

Counselling for your son might be good but I guess that won't happen if your ex has a say.