I feel like I hate my child- abusive ex & parental alienation/ family court

[faffooo]

I know iabu. I need help.

I am devastated. When my ds was little, I left his dad due to extreme emotional, coercive, sexual and psychological abuse. I was a shadow of my former self and couldn't say boo to a goose. It was like coming out of a cult, that was the reach of his control.
I got to a place of safety and did all the right things. Freedom programme, parenting courses, reporting the abuse etc. This was before the law changed re coercive control.

Slowly I rebuilt my confidence, my ds and I had a wonderful period where I could be the nurturing mother I yearned to be and he blossomed, even though he had some problems with separation anxiety. He was an amazing little boy.

Then ex took me to court for child contact.
This is where it all went wrong.
It is seen as more important to have contact with father than the toxic abusive stuff. I had to be seen to be supportive of the relationship or I'd be considered abusive.

Now ds sees his dad regularly and he is not the child he should be. He's now 8 and repeats all the abusive stuff his dad said, in the same voice. He hits me and tries to control every movement I make.
I remind him calmly that we use kind words in this house but he screams at me and wishes I was dead, and that he will celebrate. He destroys the house if I don't do as I'm told.
I know therapeutic parenting works, I've done it. But it gets undermined again and again when going to ex.

I am starting to feel my love trickle away and just want to get away from this awful toxic atmosphere.
I have gone to Ss and school and all they offer is more parenting courses. There is no solution to the elephant in the room- ex.

I wish I had never had him. I am so sad and miss my beautiful boy. I can't go on like this.

Thanks if you've got this far.

True. Agree, it is a kindness to set your son straight. He needs to know you're a good person. I'm sure you are creative,empathetic, intelligent, focused. You will get through this. These psychos are vacuums and they feed off the drama of destroying a good person.

faffooo - I'm so sad for you. I have several friends who are in similar positions and you're absolutely right, the system is a disaster for women like you who have escaped from abuse but have a child.

It makes me so angry that you and my friends have to go through this shit, and that your DC have to go through it too. Chances are that your DS is so conflicted and he can't take it out on his Dad so has to take it out on you, because there's no one else. I KNOW that's totally unfair but it is a common reaction.

Is there any way you can access child counselling for him, because it sounds as though he could really do with someone he could tell his true feelings to.

I hate the court system, the way it's all geared towards abusive fucker fathers being allowed full access to their DC, despite the risk to their wellbeing, and the ongoing abuse towards the mothers. And you're 100% right that this is another way for him to control and abuse you - it's nothing to do with your DS, and everything to do with hurting you more.

The court system REALLY needs to wake up to these problems.

The only other advice I would have for you is to remember that your DS is now a victim of your ex as well, not a perpetrator. He's being abused too, just in a different way. And although there is this idea that you should never badmouth the ex, I don't entirely agree with that - at some point your DS is going to work out what a nasty fucker his father is, and it's going to rock his world and his feelings about himself - I feel it's better that you help him to understand that his father's behaviour is not pleasant or right, and that it's his father who chooses to behave like that, not anyone else's fault. ESPECIALLY that it's not DS's fault, or your fault - it's his father's choice. Even if he shouts against you, if you calmly and neutrally convey that information to him in an age-appropriate way, it will sink in.

I hope that you can find a way through this - counselling for you might be useful as well, so that you can offload all your feelings away from your DS, but I know that it's not always that easy to access it.

Faff, to your ex this is all just a game, he is just using your son as a pawn with which to score points over you, I think he will get bored of this game as soon as the downsides start to outweigh the benefits for him.
so what are the benefits and the downsides of the current situation for your ex? Does he genuinely enjoy spending time with your son, or is it more a case that your son is a hindrance to the life he would prefer to be living?
is there any way to make all this just not worth his while?

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this OP and I have little practical advice to your awful circumstances. As a PP has said, the damage being caused by your Ex is also being inflicted on your Son, he's not mature enough yet to see through his Dad so he's parroting his behaviour because he's probably trying to show his worth to the parent that left. DH did this, it was different as his parents were as amicable as possible, but because he spent most of the time with his Mum, his Dad became almost saint like in his mind. He would take out all of his frustrations on his Mum but never question his Dad.

When we spoke about it recently he said that he thinks that because his Father was the parent who he had to travel especially to see, it scared him because if he didn't become the 'perfect son' to appease him, his Dad might leave for good. He didn't see the hurt he was inflicting on his Mum and that was in a situation where both parents tried to be fair.

As for his unsupervised access, have you considered taking him back to court with good representation on your side? I've never been through the court system as an adult (I did as a child but don't remember much of it). I know that there is funding for legal aid if you don't have enough to cover the costs of a solicitor:

childlawadvice.org.uk/information-pages/legal-aid-for-family-law-matters/

And I think the CAB offer advice, but I obviously don't know what avenues you have tried already.

You're doing so well and sound like a loving Mum to me, a loving Mum who dislikes the behaviour being implanted in her son's mind and who wants him to be free of this awful form of manipulation, for both your sakes.

I have read about how the courts minimise domestic violence in these cases and it's actually made me sick to see how womens rights for protection are still so backwards! I hope you can find a way to come through this OP and hopefully, after your Ex sees that it's not affecting you (it is of course but he should never have the satisfaction of knowing that) and that you're keeping on the high road in this situation, he'll run out of steam.

Have there ever been any instances of violence towards/in front of your DS? From what little I understand that is taken more seriously than the mother reporting abuse against herself (which is awful for women who are/have been through such a terrible ordeal). If there is a way to prove that your Exes vile behaviour is having impact on your DS to a point where it's negatively impacting HIS life (such as behaviours at school, grades, getting into fights or anything like that) maybe the courts would take that more seriously.

If they try to comment that 'it'll get better when the routine is set' as a fob off at least this time you can say, that it demonstrably not better now the routine is set, because his behaviour is getting worse the more he is exposed to his 'Father' and so you want access to be supervised?

I wish I could offer more, keep going OP you are so so strong, well done and keep the light on for the little boy you used to know, he's still in there and with the way you have said you handle the situation, he will know in time what your Ex has done.

It doesn't help much when you're in the thick of it, but I would suggest that your DS is acting this way because out of all of the confusion, you are his only true constant. So he is pushing you in all the wrong ways to see if you're going to leave too. It's almost like a self-destructive defence mechanism. His life changed, he can't see it from any other perspective other than that yet, so the one real 'safe space' he has with you, is what he is scared of losing the most.

Did not want to read and run.
I so feel for you, OP. My story is similar, only that the children are a bit younger. They are also acting up massively after every contact (no overnight contact in my case, ex cannot manage it, he's too important to do the boring stuff). I certainly don't hate them, but I do feel somewhat worthless as their parent. "Mum is not right in the head", "mum will soon have another baby with another daddy and will send you to a children's home", "mum only loves money and I instead love you", "you will soon come and live with me in a big big fantastic castle and will have your own pony" (all videoed and submitted by himself as a proof of his close relationship with the children, by the way) - but it was dismissed as "differences in the parenting approach". Last time I was taken to the court for an emergency hearing when ex was 18 hours late for the scheduled contact time, and somehow that still resulted in a couple of hearings and a massive waste of the court's resource.
I even started thinking about having another baby, through a sperm donor, so that it is only "mine" and no one is poisoning their attitude against me. I realise how weak and sick this sounds.

I agree that his bad behaviour could be interpreted as evidence that he feels safe enough with you to just let everything 'show'
because he's a child he's not intellectually sophisticated enough to grasp and rationalize the way that he is being manipulated by his father, but his unconscious mind knows that something needs to be communicated to you and acting out is a way of doing this.

Thanks everyone.
I've managed to exercise and eat something. Self care has been low on the list.
I'm angry at myself for losing it with ds. Worried it'll scar him. I won't be his safe person.
I have a lot of work to do to make it up to him and mend it.

I just don't recognise myself.

Have you thought about going to your MP. There have been many many similar threads. The courts should not be allowed to be used as tools by abusive men.

And I agree you should definitely submit the SS evidence.

I'm so glad to read you have found some time for self-care. That is top priority. And I can hear your need to "make it up" to your son. I feel you need to move on rather than look back. Please forgive yourself and know your son needs your strength and compassion right now, not your fear of the future or failure.

I heard a great analogy about cabin crew during turbulence. The passengers need to see the crew composed and reassuring, not being rattled. Take heart from those core values and skills.

This link might help - you can have info packs sent anonymously to the legal professionals involved, and can down load posters to pin up with permission. As well as lots of advice and links to more local groups if you are lucky

We can change this, one drip at a time. onemomsbattle.com/

I was highly sympathetic until this -

but of course they would have as only abusive/ oppositional men take it to court,

Of course this is true in some cases (like yours) but I can tell you from personal experience it’s not true in every case.

Perhaps I worded it too strongly, but the function of the court is to sort out contact on behalf of parents who are high conflict or can't agree. My experience is that a high percentage of that involves some form of domestic abuse. It may not be your experience but many many people I have encountered both irl and on support forums this is their experience. It's like an epidemic.

But you are right. Not every case.

I contacted ss again and am going on a new parental connection course.
It's 1:1

I've asked again that ex go on a parenting course. If only he would give up the need to win.

I had severe ptsd and had therapy, have grafted my way through the fear, the jumping out of my skin at the slightest noise, the night terrors , hyper vigilance and feeling of doom. I put in the work.
I am so tired of fighting for normality.

It took 9 years in total to get free and 6 trips through the legal system. He has lost parental responsibility and all his rights. No contact at all for 2 years now. It can happen.

Women's aid? Also think see your mp. There was a good debate in the commons this week about domestic abuse. Parental alienation is supposedly frowned on and obviously confuses dc. Get a better solicitor.

Are you in contact with your local charity that supports survivors of domestic abuse? They should be able to support you and your son.

Does your child have a good relationship with his teacher/TA? I would be gently encouraging my child that he can talk about any worries he has with his teacher. In place of saying "you have to go", I would reflect the feelings he is expressing and signpost to another safe adult - "You seem really angry/scared about that - perhaps you could talk about your feelings to teacher/TA"?? I would also give the school the heads up that you have concerns about him and can they keep a close eye on his wellbeing. It needs a neutral third party to hear things that are troubling or witness concerning behaviour.

If ss are already involved and for any reason it returns to court, they will be more likely than cafcass to do the assessment.

I am sure from what you have written that you are doing, but keep your child at the centre of all your communications. But at the same time, I would get some additional support for yourself. It must be incredibly triggering to have these interactions with your child, and I am sure that your strong feelings are really towards your ex. You deserve some support to get through this really challenging time.

I completely understand the fear that the system instills in you. For this reason I dare not write about my own experience - whcih are currently playing out - but I DO understand.

Any chance you can apply for work far far away and relocate due to new job?

I agree with many previous posters. Children are sacrificed at the alter of fathers rights. Abusive men are never held to account. Its contact at all costs.

I know of one case where the father served several years in prison for sexually abusing his daughter. The mother was threatened with a reversal of residence by CAFCASS if she was not supportive of contact when he got out.

We are in the Gilead.

Discussing family court whilst maintaining your anonymity won’t put you in contempt.

How will anyone know it’s you?

I am going through something similar in the US. I agree with the poster on the first page who says you should get your DS into individual therapy and also parent child interaction therapy for the 2 of you. Even if your ex disagrees no judge will refuse you seeking therapy for your child even if your ex tries to block it. Living between two different households would be challenging for an adult and so I can’t begin to imagine how a small child copes with this. It must be so stressful for your DS. That explanation alone would have any judge agree that your son should be in therapy.

I just wanted to add that the therapist will get to know you’d son and will be his advocate. Having a therapist who knows your child provide recommendations to the court will be helpful

What's yr lawyer like? I've been through a few, party due to moving. One saw me through 8 of the 9 years. A good lawyer who knows the different judges is really crucial. Psychologist reports are also invaluable if well prepared. And good for the DC obviously. But they are not all equal. Finding one my kids would talk to was next to impossible. It ended up that my our GP was a trained CBT therapist and they would talk to her. She also did court reports for us as she knew the whole family.

Read How to talk so kids will listen. Reacting calmly in that sort of situation will make it worse, not diffuse it. You need to react with the same level of energy so he gets that you 'get it' to diffuse it. Just not agression, obviously.

I'd be very concerned his Dad is hitting him if he's lashing out at you.

OP I've just done some training in DDP which is dyadic developmental psychotherapy.
There were lots of examples of this type of therapy working for traumatised children in the exact same circumstance.
I thi k you can access it through your local camhs. Get a referal from your gp.
I was in an extremely violent relationship many years ago and my eldest is certainly still affected by what he saw and he's in his 30s.
Hang in there with your son an dgst some help.

Can you get your son some emotional support, through the school or privately? Play therapy, later talking therapy, give kids a space to explore their feelings and behaviour in an environment that is with neither parent. If he told them about being hit etc, that would have to be referred on and might support you to have another person saying that the time with ex is unsettling or unsafe for him. Obviously there's no guarantee he'd tell them, but if he did it might help. I can't really see what you can do beyond what you have done and already doing, being a safe person for him and offering him a safe, stable, loving home and reaching out for any and all support on offer. The rest is not your fault or choice, it's down to a flawed court system and your ex's behaviour. So don't blame yourself, it's not on you. Just do your best to manage the fall out and be the rock he needs. The rest is entirely beyond your jurisdiction.