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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel like I hate my child- abusive ex & parental alienation/ family court

108 replies

faffooo · 05/10/2019 11:00

I know iabu. I need help.

I am devastated. When my ds was little, I left his dad due to extreme emotional, coercive, sexual and psychological abuse. I was a shadow of my former self and couldn't say boo to a goose. It was like coming out of a cult, that was the reach of his control.
I got to a place of safety and did all the right things. Freedom programme, parenting courses, reporting the abuse etc. This was before the law changed re coercive control.

Slowly I rebuilt my confidence, my ds and I had a wonderful period where I could be the nurturing mother I yearned to be and he blossomed, even though he had some problems with separation anxiety. He was an amazing little boy.

Then ex took me to court for child contact.
This is where it all went wrong.
It is seen as more important to have contact with father than the toxic abusive stuff. I had to be seen to be supportive of the relationship or I'd be considered abusive.

Now ds sees his dad regularly and he is not the child he should be. He's now 8 and repeats all the abusive stuff his dad said, in the same voice. He hits me and tries to control every movement I make.
I remind him calmly that we use kind words in this house but he screams at me and wishes I was dead, and that he will celebrate. He destroys the house if I don't do as I'm told.
I know therapeutic parenting works, I've done it. But it gets undermined again and again when going to ex.

I am starting to feel my love trickle away and just want to get away from this awful toxic atmosphere.
I have gone to Ss and school and all they offer is more parenting courses. There is no solution to the elephant in the room- ex.

I wish I had never had him. I am so sad and miss my beautiful boy. I can't go on like this.

Thanks if you've got this far.

OP posts:
PooWillyBumBum · 05/10/2019 11:02

I have no advice but I didn’t want to read and run. How awful for you, and how brave you were to leave.

Original poster
faffooo · 05/10/2019 11:05

I am afraid he's going to pick up on my growing negative feelings about him, and he'll feel he has no safe place.

Family court was weaponised by ex. Twice he's dragged me there, and he's preparing to take me back. To show me who's boss. To punish me for leaving.

OP posts:
GettingABitDesperateNow · 05/10/2019 11:24

I have no advice OP but it's so wrong the way the courts view this, I'm so sorry. It's so wrong that they think that someone who is so nasty and abusive to their partner can somehow switch the evil side of themselves off and make a wonderful parent.

Is there any way you can get him to have therapy or see a psychologist or something and talk to them about their concerns? Someone who would make a statement about the harm your ex is doing? I thought parental alienation was supposed to be taken seriously and it sounds like that is what he is doing. Hopefully someone with more knowledge of the system and family law will be along soon. Maybe change your title to include abusive ex / parental alienation to get some more of the right people to read it, as when I saw your title I thought it was going to be about PND?

megletthesecond · 05/10/2019 11:29

Sad Flowers This makes me so angry and I see and hear it from other parents every so often. A shit parent doesn't need contact with the child.

Original poster
faffooo · 05/10/2019 11:43

Getting - I have suggested parenting courses, and therapy but he believes he is right, he is healthy and in charge. The court psychologist suggested he had a personality disorder but not enough to prevent contact, and to get help for it. But he won't.

Control is success to ex. No matter how damaging it is to ds.

I want my home to be ds's safe place. But the toxicity of ex is leaking in and I am struggling to keep it healthy.

OP posts:
ElizaDee · 05/10/2019 11:47

I'd up and leave, change names, whatever you can do, and don't let anyone find you if possible.

ElizaDee · 05/10/2019 11:48

There's no way he'd be seeing my kid.

AbsinthedelaBonchance · 05/10/2019 11:53

Could you record your son's behaviour - have witnesses there, use a phone and go back to Family Court

Cornettoninja · 05/10/2019 11:53

Oh love, l really feel for you because it’s such an impossible situation for you. If it’s any consolation I don’t think you hate your child, he’s still in there somewhere, you hate his behaviour and that’s okay.

Does your ds have any other male influences? It sounds trite but I wonder if something like scouts/cadets/karate would expose him to some better role models and help balance out his dads influence. He’s still just young enough for you to enforce him going.

I also think it’s worth considering the school or GP about counselling for your ds. He sounds like there are a lot of angry aggressive emotions going on. You may have to pay privately though.

RhinoskinhaveI · 05/10/2019 11:55

I think you need to start building a case against your ex
he is clearly trying to weaponize your child against you
Could you start by writing an account of of the changes in your son, keep a log of everything that happens.
Your ex sounds like a malicious sociopath you will have to be clever to outmanoeuvre him, he is trying to turn your son into a weapon that can be used against you
I wonder if you could employ the services of a child psychologist of some sort?

Windydaysuponus · 05/10/2019 11:58

Ime patience is indeed a virtue op. At 12 my ds went nc with exh when he saw the light.
Have you spoken to his school? You need someone on side.
Can a health visitor /gp call round and see ds /his behaviour?
Keep a diary of ds's behaviour and seek legal advice.

RhinoskinhaveI · 05/10/2019 11:59

any other male influences
I think this is an excellent idea, he needs a positive male role model, something fun and exciting that he will want to be part of which promotes positive socially constructive aspects of masculinity, being strong and protective of others etc.

Original poster
faffooo · 05/10/2019 12:01

I can't run away. Residency would be reversed and I would be seen as the abuser.

I've tried showing the court the last time the change in ds behaviour. They just said it will settle down once routine in place. That he's picking up on my anxiety. To get therapy for my stress.

They did a two hour visit during contact and of course he was the perfect parent.

OP posts:
RhinoskinhaveI · 05/10/2019 12:03

Can you find a professional/someone who in a position of authority who will be on your side and who understands what's going on?

Original poster
faffooo · 05/10/2019 12:04

Windy yes I think it's the long game for me. But in the meantime my relationship with ds is damaged as I am running out of compassion, patience, and I've always been calm but lately found myself shouting and not caring as what's the point anyway?

OP posts:
RhinoskinhaveI · 05/10/2019 12:06

The court is just patting you on the head and not taking you seriously 🤬
why is this?
why won't they take you seriously?
how has your ex managed to frame the situation in his favour?

Aridane · 05/10/2019 12:07

GP, solicitor, Social Services and diary of events

RhinoskinhaveI · 05/10/2019 12:09

I think if you dig your heels in and wait it out your ex will run out of steam, he's not interested in the child for the sake of the child's well-being, he's only interested in his son whilst his son is useful as a weapon to use against you, ultimately if this doesn't work he will give up I suspect.
in the meantime can you come up with some kind of strategy to manage/mitigate your son's behaviour ?

Original poster
faffooo · 05/10/2019 12:10

Yes, ss on my 'side' and wrote to court with their concerns. Unfortunately they don't like being told their job and solicitor advised not to submit as it would put their back up.
On it with gp, school ( who have to appear neutral), ss, cahms etc.

It's the system that is wrong. I can't change the system, it's a bloated blunt instrument.

I'm so tired and sad. I want my true boy back. But he's being taken from me emotionally and psychologically. I thought my love was a superpower.

But it's just not enough. When do I get to live a healthy life? Free of shouting and hitting and toxicity by proxy.

OP posts:
RhinoskinhaveI · 05/10/2019 12:11

Your ex is trying to push you to breaking point and no wonder you are losing your temper with the stress of it all, can you access any kind of counselling for yourself?

Sotiredofthislife · 05/10/2019 12:22

There's no way he'd be seeing my kid

Said by someone with no experience of the family court system, I presume? Because if you had that experience, you would know how impossible a situation the OP is in. Really unhelpful.

Juells · 05/10/2019 12:23

Could you video your child being abusive after contact, and show that to the court? That's what I'd do. Sorry I have no other advice or comfort to offer :(

corythatwas · 05/10/2019 12:24

You need to keep repeating the mantra "ds is not doing this to me, it is being DONE TO HIM". I have spent time with 2 violent and sometimes verbally abusive children, one being my brother, the other my own child. Neither had an abusive role model in their life, both were acting out trauma, in the case of my brother adoption trauma, in the case of my child disability and trauma from misdiagnosis/abuse by her school. In the end, love won through. Both have grown into lovely caring adults and both very close to the parents they used to take the pain out on. I appreciate that your job is going to be much harder because there is somebody there validating your son's lashing out, and you have to deal with YOUR trauma, hearing the words that were used to hurt YOU coming out if your child's mouth. But if you do manage to hold on, to be his rock, to be the one thing that he can always trust, that will be such a wonderful thing for both of you. My DB in particular had an unerring instinct for exactly the most hurtful things to say during bad days, he would argue vehemently that black was white in the most unrelenting way, but was the most loving person you could imagine in between. I credit my mother with seeing that underlying loveliness and giving it the soil to grow. His children benefitted, his grandchildren will benefit. My daughter once told me that during her meltdowns she could no longer recognise that the person holding her (as I had to do, to keep the rest of the family safe) was me: it felt like it was this strange scary monster that she had to defend herself against. What I am saying is, this is incredibly tough, and tougher for you than for most of us- but hang in there, you are his chance! He is such a little boy still and he needs you so much.

Selmababies · 05/10/2019 12:32

I think you and your son should get some family therapy based counselling together. A good therapist should be able to unpack what is going on with your DS and the ways in which his father is influencing his behaviour, and any other difficulties that may be affeecting your son's behaviour, and how best you can handle it.
It obviously wouldn't be appropriate for you to run your ex down in front of your son though you should obviously make the therapist aware of the situation.

Original poster
faffooo · 05/10/2019 12:36

Cory thank you. I know , I know this. I am having a terrible wobble about my ability to parent healthily. I know I am a good mother. I know he needs me to see beyond the behaviour.

I have had a terrible two days where I've let myself down. I ran out of resources.
I just struggle to see an end. I feel like I've ruined it by not coping those two days.

OP posts: