Husband buying other women drinks on night out?

[drinksatthebar]

NC as I don't want this thread following me around.

I don't know if IABU.

For context: DH and I happily married, no infidelity on either side, 2 pre-school age DC together.

Husband goes out last night and comes home around midnight but coherent and not particularly drunk. I ask him how his night was and what they got up to and in the midst of other stuff that happened during his evening he said he'd bought some girls a drink. I really didn't like this!! He and his colleagues are all married with kids - is this normal or appropriate? Would you be mad if your DH did this?

I should add: I quite frequently get bought drinks by men on nights out with my girlfriends and I always accept, even though I'm a married mum of 2! Goes without saying it never goes any further than a chat a laugh and a drink. Am I being a hypocrite then?

Additional context: The drinks were expensed through the company so he wasn't throwing away family money.

I don't understand why you serious accept drinks from random men you have no interest in? I wouldn't feel safe - don't they get annoyed?

Men buy women drinks.. Because they're trying to get them into bed.

Are you really happy that your husband is doing this?

Also, accepting drinks is just as bad. So you either both stop it or both accept you don't respect each other as much as you probably should.

OP accepts drinks si she can try to make her husband insecure that she could just leave him for someone else and grateful that she is (I assume) faithful.

But like all game players, they dont like the tables being turned on them. They play the game because they like having the power in the relationship. When they realise that they might be losing that power they get shitty.

You have no idea what these men may have put in the drink before it gets to you. Don’t accept Drinks from strangers in bars is basic safety information. That is the most unreasonable aspect of your story for me.

I think you're being unreasonable if you accept drinks being bought for you as surely it's the same game?

I don't think a man buying you a drink equals wanting to sleep with you. I think it can obviously be construed as flirting depending on the context.

No wonder you NC'd for this nonsense.

I find this really interesting. I have a friend who doesn't let her hubby interact with people in ways that she does. She cites personal differences in comfort level and the gender differences as justification for why it is okay for her to do it but not him. I couldn't accept it if I were him. Either it is okay (and she has personal issues she needs to solve alone), it is okay (but her personal issues make it impossible to overcome and he supports her by also not doing it), or it isn't okay (so neither of then should do it out of respect for their relationship. What they seem to have done for is that she is too uncomfortable with what is quite a normal interaction (hence why she does it) so she doesn't deal with something she perceives as difficult with the expectation that he does.

@ChilledBee you do realise that's abuse?

He is willing to do it because he feels that people have different comfort zones and that's okay. You know like you might avoid hugging a friend who isn't a hugger but not your friend who likes to greet that way? That's how he sees it.

It sounds like he's firmly trapped in believing his actions should always bend to the whims of his partner, so classic abusive and controlling behaviour where the victim now honestly believes the situation is reasonable.

It's always feels and "personal differences" with controlling types.

E.g. I should go through your phone because I don't trust you because your actions make me uncomfortable... Oh but no you can't question me on anything because it hurts my feels and that means you don't love or trust me, I knew you didn't love or trust me (guilt trip alert).

If this is real sounds like you don't like the taste of your own medicine.

Ew, you are both BU, unless buying someone a drink has new meaning these days

I see why you nc'd.
You've come across as a bit of a hypocritical arse haven't you?

DH claims no man buys women he doesnt even know drinks (or anything) without an ulterior motive. So if he did that i would be pretty upset.
But thats because i know his mindset.
Also if they were in a group with work people and they bought drinks as a group, i think its a little different.

@ChilledBee it's still abuse. It's not about her comfort zones either. Because she engages in behaviour she doesnt like him doing. She is controlling him and ten doing what she wants. Using a crap excuse.

So if he did that i would be pretty upset.
But thats because i know his mindset.

But if OP thinks that, why does she accept drinks from men?

• @Bucatini he and his two colleagues are the founding directors of the company so doesn't really matter.*

HMRC will care.

I do think there's a difference between allowing someone to buy you a drink and buying drinks for someone else. The first is passive - you could be quite happily sitting in a bar with friends and have a drink sent over to you with limited interaction with the person sending it or inclination to take time out of your night to speak to them. You don't choose who offers you a drink and there is no real reason for them to think you are interested beyond being out for the night and whatever you tell them.

Buying a drink for someone requires forethought and the choice of who to approach - I imagine that a man in a group with his friends will be discussing the person they are planning to buy a drink for or at least hoping that buying a drink will provide them with an 'in' for conversation.

I don't think there's anything inherently wrong with either - I have bought drinks for men and women while out and been on the receiving end of both, but in general it is an overture to a conversation/flirtation so the buyer is pursuing that rather than the buyee who is the subject of such an approach which does feel very different to me.

I already said that I couldn't accept it and it certainly doesn't work that way in my marriage. I do think it is an abuser "red flag" in many ways but his willingness to do what works for her and the fact that their relationship is otherwise happy and healthy renders it murky waters for me.

If he's happy to do things in a way that means he can stay in a relationship with her, is that really wrong/abusive? I mean, both me and my husband have made adaptations to ourselves in order to make our marriage work and although I can't speak for him, I'd say I'm happier with the person I am now than I was then. I think these things are hard to call.

A few things...
Putting drinks through as company expenditure with your dh as the director of the company is a) something of interest to HMRC and 2) basically spending the families money but they won’t ever get to know about it. What else is he putting on the business that you don’t know about?

The “hey babe, your wife’s still got it,” is desperate and embarrassing - why would you actually need to tell him this? Are you worried he no longer finds you attractive thus you need to actually draw what you perceive to be positive attention to yourself?

Finally, you both sound really immature. Go out, have a good time, go home and appreciate each other. Don’t try and make each other jealous.

This relationship sounds like it’s based on jealousy and showing off. I appreciate we know nothing more than what you’ve posted here but I’d be embarrassed in your shoes.