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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If I don't go?

106 replies

Verystressednurse · 05/10/2019 02:30

More of a what would you do. Friends of DH (I've never met them) are getting married abroad. It'll cost 500 for flights and accommodation plus money for food, gift, outfit etc. If I'm being honest with myself, I cannot afford it at all. Our group of friends are all going, about 8 of them. Wwyd? I don't want to let DH down and I don't know if he'd go on his own but I also don't want to put myself seriously out of pocket for a couple I've never met??

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 05/10/2019 02:34

I wouldn’t go. If you can’t afford it, that’s a perfectly reasonable reason to skip it.

chickenninja · 05/10/2019 02:36

I definitely wouldn't go.

Original poster
Verystressednurse · 05/10/2019 02:37

I don't want to go I just feel bad letting DH down. Plus I know a few of the friendship group will be snotty about me not going.

OP posts:
littleorangecat22 · 05/10/2019 02:38

Wouldn't go. DH can go if he wants. Your friends are going so it's not like he'll be there with nobody.

littleorangecat22 · 05/10/2019 02:38

and if your dh is reasonable this won't be letting him down

isabellerossignol · 05/10/2019 02:38

Not going because you can't afford to go is perfectly reasonable.

But it's a bit strange the way you are referring to you not being able to go, but that your husband might. Is this not something you would share the cost of as a couple, and decide on that basis if both, one or neither of you goes?

7salmonswimming · 05/10/2019 02:45

If your DH wants you to go, he should help you pay for it.

If your friendship group get snooty about you not going, they’re not very friendly are they Confused

Original poster
Verystressednurse · 05/10/2019 02:46

@isabellerossignol no, we would each pay our bit. So pay our own flights, accommodation etc. And I'm not doing financially great at the moment and about to take a pay cut.

OP posts:
filka · 05/10/2019 07:21

Don't go, you clearly can't afford it and you don't know them. You'd just be a hanger-on.

But if DH can afford it, let him - and even encourage him. Don't guilt trip him into staying because of you, it will create resentment. And don't resent it yourself if he goes.

Vulpine · 05/10/2019 07:24

Its not just about 'a couple you havent met', its about having a great trip with your dh. I'd definitely go.

Bucatini · 05/10/2019 07:26

It would be silly to go OP. If a couple gets married abroad they must realise some people won't be able to afford it. Especially someone they've never even met!

Crystal87 · 05/10/2019 07:26

Not unreasonable, but it's odd if your husband would still go if the reasoning behind it is that you can't afford it.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 05/10/2019 07:29

Its not just about 'a couple you havent met', its about having a great trip with your dh. I'd definitely go.

And where would you magically find the money from?

Alittleodd · 05/10/2019 07:29

Don't go. I've sent DH to loads of weddings (and kids parties and uni reunions and parental lunches etc) when I didn't want to. I used to have a crazy intense job during the week so weekends were sacred and unless you were my favourite person on earth or providing me with a life sized Idris Elba sculpture made entirely of zero calorie butterscotch ice-cream I'm sorry but my bed and takeaway pizza won every time. Some "friends" got sniffy but that's their perogative, it bothers me not.

I do find the idea of one spouse being financially better off than the other odd, especially when it comes to affording an occasion you would be going to together but that's overwritten by the fact you don't want to go anyway. That's reason enough.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 05/10/2019 07:30

I had a similar situation to yours. My boyfriends daughter got married in Miami and I couldn't afford to go and my boyfriend didn't really want to be on his own for the occasion . My boyfriend then offered to pay for the hotel room so that all I would have to pay for was my flight and this worked out well.

Could you and your husband do this? If he goes alone he's going to have to pay for accommodation anyway, plus a wedding gift.

Would he not pay for your flight so that you can attend too? What country is the wedding in?

Sparkletastic · 05/10/2019 07:43

If your DH wants you to go with him he should shoulder more of the cost. You are a married couple so most odd to leave one partner to struggle financially if the other can afford to pay more.

MarthasGinYard · 05/10/2019 07:48

'And I'm not doing financially great at the moment and about to take a pay cut.'

So why on earth wouldn't he pay for it?

Does he earn more?

Vulpine · 05/10/2019 07:51

Yes if one partner can afford it seems odd the other wouldnt go. Pool your money and he should help pay. You're a couple

Atalune · 05/10/2019 07:52

What’s going on with the household finanaces?

NoSauce · 05/10/2019 07:53

Why hasn’t your H offered to pay for you?

cultkid · 05/10/2019 07:56

So weird you have separate money and you are married
I would hate that

StillCoughingandLaughing · 05/10/2019 07:59

But surely even if they did pool their finances, the overall amount of money is the same. Is it wise spending £500 to travel to a wedding when one half of the couple has had a pay cut?

Vulpine · 05/10/2019 08:08

Maybe not 'wise' but definitely fun

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 05/10/2019 08:09

The my husband can afford to go but I can’t does sound odd OP- fair enough not going though

RandomMess · 05/10/2019 08:13

Can DH afford to pay for you to accompany him to his friends wedding?

Are your finances actually "fair".