If I don't go?

[Verystressednurse]

More of a what would you do. Friends of DH (I've never met them) are getting married abroad. It'll cost 500 for flights and accommodation plus money for food, gift, outfit etc. If I'm being honest with myself, I cannot afford it at all. Our group of friends are all going, about 8 of them. Wwyd? I don't want to let DH down and I don't know if he'd go on his own but I also don't want to put myself seriously out of pocket for a couple I've never met??

You are feeling obliged to hide the details of your financial relationship because you know something isn't fair OP. It's an anonymous forum, it wouldn't hurt you to open up a little.

Don't go if you don't want to, but I wouldn't discourage him from going, they're his friends.

@MRex I'm not hiding anything, I just don't feel the need to disclose my financial arrangements on a public forum to people that I don't know? Especially as my post wasn't about my finances but was the wedding issue.

If I'm being honest with myself, I cannot afford it at all... I don't want to let DH down
Your OP was all about the finances and the discrepancy between what you and DH can afford. When you're ready, put a post up and get the opinions, you need them.

No it wasn't. It was about a wedding I didn't know whether I should go to. If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all

Did DH want to go? If you were worried about letting him down then it suggests he wanted to. In which case it seems strange that he wont help with the cost. What happens if you want a holiday?

No it wasn't. It was about a wedding I didn't know whether I should go to. If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all

I'm afraid it was all about finances, and you are obviously upset that people have called out your strange financial situation with your DH.

This poster didn't say anything horrible at all - if anything you are being rude to people who are trying to help you.

If you feel that you have financial issues at the moment but DH doesn't then I'm afraid it sounds peculiar to the most.

@Verystressednurse - there is nothing I've said that isn't "nice", you're being defensive. Ask yourself why.

Maybe OP’s husband has read this thread.

You are feeling obliged to hide the details of your financial relationship because you know something isn't fair OP. It's an anonymous forum, it wouldn't hurt you to open up a little.

Perhaps let the OP decide for herself what she wishes to share.

Why is your pay about to be cut? Is that a choice you’ve made as it’s going to cause an even bigger financial divide between you and your husband.

Op, if you didn't want posters to comment on your financial set up there are other ways you could have posted the same scenario. Eg.

"My DH's friends are getting married abroad, I'm not close with them and the cost of both of us attending is large. AIBU to say DH should go on his own"

Vs

"Friends of my DH are getting married abroad, he can afford to go but I can't. AIBU not to go?"

The second version definitely invites further questioning as it IS unusual for one member of a married couple to be able to afford to attend an event and the other not as these sorts of things are usually seen as joint expenses, whether finances are shared or not.

Without the financial context it's a completely different question. And the second you introduce financial context then posters are going to dig into it to try and understand more.

But OP, can't you see that either you can both afford to go, or neither of you can? It's being 'nice' that leads to women being fucked over, with regards to finances, responsibilities at home, childcare, hobbies, all sorts of stuff.

The unfairness that was obvious from your 'DH is going to a wedding but I can't afford to go' post was screaming out to be questioned.

Remember those marriage vows about 'all I have I share with you'?

This wedding is a joint expense, so should come out of pooled funds.

Weirdest thread today!!

Not sure what you wanted for this OP but have fabulous time not at the wedding

But OP, can't you see that either you can both afford to go, or neither of you can?

This doesn’t make sense. Even if the OP and her husband pool their finances entirely, it’s still a finite amount of money. If they can only afford to spend £500 on the wedding and it costs £500pp, that means only one of them can afford to go.

But it's not normal for only one of them to go. In a fair relationship, the money for treats is shared 50/50, not all spent by one person.

Even if the OP doesn't know the couple getting married, 8 of their friends are going, so it sounds like it will be a fun trip. And she may become friends with the bride and groom, given chance to meet them.

What sort of marriage is this? Don't couples pool their money together anymore? This seems so weird to me! Surely if your DH wants you to go he'll help you out OP?

Well it's good you are both like minded on going, ignore snotty friends!

If you’re married isn’t it joint money?

Bloody hell, someone but a parrot.

@StillCoughingandLaughing I know right 😂 anyone else want to comment that we should share finances?

't was about a wedding I didn't know whether I should go to.'

If you want to go then do so. Perhaps your DH could lend you eye money?

If you want to give it a miss that's absolutely fine too.

Lend you 'the' money

My first inclination is to go because it’s something your DH would like to do and it’s with a group of friends. Shows support if your DH.

However, when I read you can’t afford it and it’s your DH??? Why are you paying separately? He should pay. Tell him yes you’d live to go but haven’t got the funds so ask him to pay. Fund your own clothing (you’ll have an outfit you can wear again) but gifts, flights, hotel etc should all be on your DH.

Lol. Cancel the cheque.