If I don't go?

[Verystressednurse]

More of a what would you do. Friends of DH (I've never met them) are getting married abroad. It'll cost 500 for flights and accommodation plus money for food, gift, outfit etc. If I'm being honest with myself, I cannot afford it at all. Our group of friends are all going, about 8 of them. Wwyd? I don't want to let DH down and I don't know if he'd go on his own but I also don't want to put myself seriously out of pocket for a couple I've never met??

just let DH go if he wants to.

You are clearly the lower earner and if your finances aren't pooled, it's to be expected that there are things you cannot afford whilst he can. He obviously works harder than you and is more deserving of this break so let him go.

Maybe think of finding a second job so you don't have to worry about letting him down in the future.

HTH.

Just realised you've never even met them

Must admit if DP suggested me putting up 500 squid for a wedding of a couple I've never met I'd laugh in his face.

Tell dh that you cannot afford it but if he wants you to go then he will have to pay both. Tbh the accommodation will likely cost the same regardless of whether you both go or just him.

Only just read that they not going anyway so indeed

'Cancel the cheque'

@ibanez0815 I hope to god this is a joke.

@AdoreTheBeach DH wouldn't be able to afford a grand plus for us both to go.

@ibanez0815
*He obviously works harder than you and is more deserving of this break so let him go.

Maybe think of finding a second job so you don't have to worry about letting him down in the future.*
Are you trying to be funny? It fell a bit flat.

very

you obviously don't have pooled finances and do not have any issue with it and you worried you would let DH down. So the best way to avoid a repeat is to raise your earning.

PP raised the issue of separate finances in your marriage and you clearly didn't want to hear about it. So the best you can do is raise your game.

Oh wow, it wasn't a joke. Since when did anyone believe that peoplec assuming less necessarily "work harder"? Why should anybody take a second job for holidays if they don't want the holidays? Such a strange attitude.

"peoplec assuming less" = "people earning less"

@ibanez0815 that is HILARIOUS. I can only hope that you're a troll because you're attitude stinks!! Since when did how hard you work equate how much you earn?!? You have no idea.

"raise your game" jesus. You have no idea what I do for a living or what he does for a living or why I have to take a pay cut. Keep your unhelpful and judgemental opinions to yourself next time. Thanks in advance

I don't think there's anything wrong with what Ibanez said and I don't think they are trolling or being mean.
Perhaps the work harder bit was sarcastic tho because you are so unwilling to face the fact that your financial situation is so bizarre.
I do think you should try to earn more money tho because you are stopping yourselves being able to do things together equally - kinda clipping his wings a bit so to speak.

I know we don't know why you are cutting hours etc because you won't share that info - this is about what you have shared thus far so don't jump on the 'you have no idea' box please - just trying to help (that is why you posted on a forum yes?

@sugarspiceandallthingsnicex if I could earn more money than I would. I'm taking a pay cut for personal reasons that I don't want to share on a public Internet forum.

I think your User Name tells us why you earn so little.

I understand OP. And I do not think the NHS is suddenly going to raise nurses' salaries in time for you to save up and go to this wedding, unfortunately.

I just wouldn't go.

I'm not 'stopping myself' I already work 40 - 50 hours a week at a very hard job. If I could earn more money to prevent me "clipping his wings" as you put it, then I would. There's nothing stopping him going with our large friendship group who are all going.

Thank you @TheMustressMhor x

Perhaps the work harder bit was sarcastic tho because you are so unwilling to face the fact that your financial situation is so bizarre.

thank you. At least one is reading. And I said upthread that I don't understand this set up at all. I would never go alone on a trip because DH could not afford it. As the OP didn't want to engage on this level even though questions were raised by many posters along helpful comments which fell of deaf earth, I tried to be helpful otherwise and appeal to the OP's martyr attitude. Clearly didn't work either. oh well.

@ibanez0815 please don't comment anymore. Calling me a martyr is really unnecessary and unhelpful. You don't know about my life or my circumstances so please let it be now. Thank you.

Another who doesn’t get ‘*I can’t afford it’ in a married/committed couple when it comes to joint holidays, tickets for events, dinners out etc. Surely it’s we^ can’t afford it. I’m all for women retaining financial autonomy, own bank account etc in a relationship but it should be that each party has close to parity in disposable income not some massive gap.

In this case, since you don’t actually want to go OP, just tell him you don’t want to go and that he should go alone. If he insists on you going then he has to pay for both of you. It’s really not complicated.

You have no idea what I do for a living

Your user name is Verystressednurse, I think we have a very good idea of what you do for a living.

you don't know about my life or my circumstances so please let it be now.

no, I don't but then what is the point of posting about not being able to afford a holiday if your DH can without disclosing this info.

What did you want to get out of it? pity that as an overworked nurse you cannot afford a holiday whilst your DH can?

I am sorry that backfired.

It seems very offensive to advise the OP to work harder or earn more.

@sugarspiceandallthingsnicex I can’t believe you are suggesting the OP earn more just so her DP’s “wings aren’t clipped”! Since when is the OP responsible for her DH’s opportunities/freedom?! He is a grown man.

I don’t know why people on this forum are so quick to assume abuse or naivety. Perhaps people are just independent adults who have made personal decisions with their spouses than you would make? Everyone’s circumstances are different.

I don't attend anything I don't want to. So in your shoes I wouldn't go.

I never do anything I don’t want to do!!