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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If I don't go?

106 replies

Verystressednurse · 05/10/2019 02:30

More of a what would you do. Friends of DH (I've never met them) are getting married abroad. It'll cost 500 for flights and accommodation plus money for food, gift, outfit etc. If I'm being honest with myself, I cannot afford it at all. Our group of friends are all going, about 8 of them. Wwyd? I don't want to let DH down and I don't know if he'd go on his own but I also don't want to put myself seriously out of pocket for a couple I've never met??

OP posts:
Wheelerdeeler · 05/10/2019 08:13

Cannot fathom that you cant afford it but theres nothing about your dh not affording it. Absolutely weird in a married relationship. Different if you posted that you could only afford 1 of you to go

justheretostalk · 05/10/2019 08:17

no, we would each pay our bit. So pay our own flights, accommodation etc. And I'm not doing financially great at the moment and about to take a pay cut.

Sorry, this is just about the weirdest thing I’ve ever heard. Expenses like this are joint expenses imo. Especially if DH wants you to go, and they’re his friends.

If he doesn’t want to pay for you to go, tough shit for him then. He can go alone and tell everybody he wouldn’t pay for you, and you couldn’t afford it. He will look like a dick.

rookiemere · 05/10/2019 08:17

Even if your finances were 100% joint I'd be loath to spend £500 to go watch the marriage of people you don't even seem to like.

Say No, if DH wants to go and wants you there , he needs to pony up for at least a part share of your costs.

mclover · 05/10/2019 08:18

Even if you don't know the couple, it's a chance to go away with 8 friends and your DH. Sounds good! Ask DH to get your flights as Christmas/ birthday pressie?

sparklefarts · 05/10/2019 08:19

And your husbands financial position?
Why is it 'I' can't afford it rather than 'we'
Can he afford it?

sparklefarts · 05/10/2019 08:19

Ask DH to get your flights as Christmas/ birthday pressie?

What the fuck? Only do this if his flight etc are his Xmas present too!

sparklefarts · 05/10/2019 08:20

Bold fail, sorry

Oysterbabe · 05/10/2019 08:23

But I'd you're married why can one of you afford it and one not? Surely money is shared?

Newbie1981 · 05/10/2019 08:25

You say you can't afford it, is it a "we can't afford it scenario"? You're married, I would have thought that it's a joint thing, ie he can contribute!

Unknownanon · 05/10/2019 08:35

Be honest with your husband. Sod the sniffy friends. If your dh offers to pay for you, would you want to go or prefer not too?

Beautiful3 · 05/10/2019 08:41

Is it not a joint finance? If not then yes dont go. Its strange to me to be married but not share your finances.

Idontwanttotalk · 05/10/2019 08:42

I wouldn't want to go to a wedding in this country if I didn't know either the bride or groom. I certainly wouldn't attend if it was abroad and I had to pay £500 for flights and accommodation plus money for food, gift, outfit etc.

You can't afford it anyway. Decision made.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 05/10/2019 08:47

*he doesn’t want to pay for you to go, tough shit for him then. He can go alone and tell everybody he wouldn’t pay for you, and you couldn’t afford it. He will look like a dick.

The principle is sound but in reality, he's going to say she couldn't get time off or something rather than that he wouldn't pay for her. Sadly.

It sounds like a really weird way to have your finances set up. You literally split everything down the middle? Meals out? The mortgage? Everything? That seems bizarre to me.

WeLovetoBoogieonaSaturdayNight · 05/10/2019 09:07

I'm another one who finds complete and absolute separate finances, to be odd in a marriage.
But, if that's the case, then don't go.
They're his friends, and If he really wants you to go, then allow him to pay for your travel and hotel, as a favour to himself.

Original poster
Verystressednurse · 05/10/2019 10:46

There's nowhere like mumsnet for a good bit of judgement on something you didn't even ask about 🤦‍♀️

OP posts:
NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 05/10/2019 10:59

Have you decided whether you're going?

isabellerossignol · 05/10/2019 11:24

There's nowhere like mumsnet for a good bit of judgement on something you didn't even ask about

Maybe if society was a bit more judgemental towards men who can afford to do all sorts of stuff whilst their wives sit at home because they can't afford to, the world would be a better place for women.

ibanez0815 · 05/10/2019 11:26

how come you cannot afford to go but DH can?

Do you not have shared/pooled finances?

I wouldn't want to go if you cannot afford it but find it odd that, reading between the lines, there doesn't seem to be a financial obstacle for your partner to attend.

SiliconHeaven · 05/10/2019 11:28

It’s because we’re worried that it might be a red flag for financial abuse, not judgement Flowers

ibanez0815 · 05/10/2019 11:30

And if I could attend a wedding abroad because I can afford it, it wouldn't feel right to me to go but leave a DH behind who doesn't have enough money to fly.

Would your DH be happy to go alone and leave you behind based on your finances? If so, your problem lies more within your own marriage rather than having a financial issue.

badgermushrooms · 05/10/2019 11:35

Right. DH and I don't share finances, obviously because we secretly hate not only each other but also the entire institution of marriage, and I am the higher earner. The likelihood of me going on a jolly abroad without him is low and if it ever happened it would be because he didn't want to not because he couldn't afford it. The idea of going away without him on a trip he can't afford, without offering to pay for him/help him with the cost, and then complaining he'd let me down in some way, is bizarre.

SunshineAngel · 05/10/2019 11:41

I definitely wouldn't go. I don't understand why so many people seem to be getting married abroad these days. When times are so hard, it's completely unfair to invite people but expect them to pay hundreds of pounds to attend!

Original poster
Verystressednurse · 05/10/2019 12:23

Have decided not to go. DH is not going to go either. And don't worry I'm not being financially abused!

OP posts:
LemonPrism · 05/10/2019 12:48

God no. I'd just about pay that for a close friends wedding

LemonPrism · 05/10/2019 12:49

Oh, and if your friends would be snotty about this then you're really not friends are you? They're just people you hang out with.

You need some real friends