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AIBU?

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Original poster

To pretend DC was named after my Dad

408 replies

MummyToBe89 · 04/10/2019 10:38

Our first DS is due in a matter of weeks and we have a name that we love.

It just so happens to be my Dad’s name.

I know if I tell my DF his name he’ll be over the moon thinking we’ve named out son after him. Do I pretend that that’s why we named him that name?

The only problem is my DM. My Mum and Dad are on great terms now, but it wasn’t always this way. When they broke up (I was 6) my Dad was very absent and it’s fair to say my DM did the bulk of the parenting. Although things are great now my Mum still likes to get little digs in after a drink about how he never gave her a penny and she did it all on her own etc.

I’d be worried if I name his, let’s say “John” then she’ll think I’ve given my Dad the honour of naming their first grandchild after him and be upset as he was absent for a lot of our childhood.

Do I tell my mum the truth that we just love the name? Then let my Dad think we’ve named him after him?

I know this may seem trivial but I just feel like naming a human is such a huge thing and don’t want to mess it up. Please help as I really don’t want to upset my Mum either!

OP posts:
OooErMissus · 04/10/2019 18:33

Also being being incredibly - albeit hopefully unwittingly - insensitive.

You'll get it one day.

GrandmaSteglitszch · 04/10/2019 18:42

OP, glad you've re-thought, but think some more.

Gosh don't leave it for your mum's reaction to make you decide. The hurt will already be done.

Rainonmyguitar · 04/10/2019 19:01

Although things are great now my Mum still likes to get little digs in after a drink about how he never gave her a penny and she did it all on her own etc

Have little digs? How do you think you would feel if your DP fecked off once your child is born and contributed nothing to your child's life and then swans back in when all the hard work and expense of raising a child is done? To then name her grandchild after this deadbeat is just awful.

Rainonmyguitar · 04/10/2019 19:02

Oooops sorryBlush, I didn't see your updates OP.

AloneLonelyLoner · 04/10/2019 19:08

Wow that's a low blow, whether or not you mean it to be.

If my ex had been lousy (which he was) and then my first grandson has his name I'd be really upset about it. Even if I never said.

I'd really not use that name. No name is that great it's worth hurting your mother over.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 04/10/2019 19:36

As a society we are pretty crap at holding men who don’t pay for their children to account.

It is effectively completely socially acceptable to steal from your child and from the mother of your child.

This is because people still view single mothers as sluts who deserve what they get.

If your dad had broken into your house every month and stolen your telly would you still be on friendly terms with him?

Because that is what he did. Every Single Month.

And every single month your mum replaced the telly before you noticed so you didn’t lose out.

Maybe she went without food to do so. Maybe she reduced what she paid into her pension so she could so she’s now facing a less good retirement.

We all need to get better at saying to men (and the odd woman) who don’t pay for their children that they are thieves and that stealing is unacceptable.

pigsDOfly · 04/10/2019 19:36

Even after your update you sound determined to hurt your DM by holding on until you hit her with it at the last minute.

What on earth has your dad done in the last few years that has over ridden everything your DM did over all the years when he wasn't there that makes you want to name your first child after him.

Just drop the name and start again with a different name.

Your dad is going to be cock of the walk with his grandson named after him and your DM is going to feel like she's been punched in the guts.

Have some compassion OP. Whatever she might tell you, even putting the idea out there is going to hurt your mother. I don't understand how you can't see that.

mummmy2017 · 04/10/2019 19:45

Your dad is going to crow about this and rub it in everyone's face, and say you love him the most.
I think you need to never tell your mum and find some other name.

lau888 · 04/10/2019 19:47

Of course, you can name your child any reasonable name that you like - including your dad's name. However, it means your mom will have to hear and say her ex's name a lot. The consequence will either be that she learns to disassociate the name with her ex and associate it with your child. Or, that it will cause her so much anguish she may eventually avoid your child (and, by extension, you).

Balance the consequential risk in your mind and go with whatever you would best tolerate in the future. It's pretty difficult for internet strangers to know whether your dad's name causes your mom distress and, if so, how much. x

WildfirePonie · 04/10/2019 19:51

Come on OP, use George as a middle name only. There must be other names that you also like?

pigsDOfly · 04/10/2019 19:52

Surely it's not the name a such that's likely to cause distress to the OP's DM. Isn't it more the idea that he was a shit father all the years the OP was growing up and now he's swanning in and having their grandson named after him.

IHaveBrilloHair · 04/10/2019 20:08

I just hope if you do this your Mum will get over it, because if she doesn't/can't, baby George will have Big George who thinks nothing of treating kids like crap.

mummmy2017 · 04/10/2019 20:18

Would you call your first DD after your husband's first love?

Doyoureallyneedtoask · 04/10/2019 20:42

Would you call your first DD after your husband's first love?

^^

I wonder if you had been married before and your ex (who treated you like dirt) was named George - would you call your baby that name?’

EileenAlanna · 04/10/2019 22:24

If you really feel that "naming a human is such a huge thing" consider carefully what huge thing you're doing here, what you're saying to your son about what a man is, what a father is. You'd be validating your father's atrocious behaviour not only to your father but to your son as well. Give him something & someone better to look up to & admire.

IHaveBrilloHair · 05/10/2019 00:34

Come to think of it, you've said you just love the name and that's why you want to use it.
What about if you have another boy, what will you name him?
George 2?
Unlikely.

billy1966 · 05/10/2019 00:40

9 pages in OP.

Should you decide to go forth with this then I think you are well prepared for the consequences of your action.

I can't imagine the effort, sacrifice, and time, that your mother has offered though out of your life.
Sizghinu yiuy yhybrsty hi

beethebee · 05/10/2019 00:41

Oh lord, I'm with almost everyone else here. Please just don't. And definitely don't raise it with your mum.

I'm in your mother's position with an absent, non-contributing ex, and if one of my DC named their first child his name it'd feel like a massive kick in the teeth. I'd grit my teeth and smile if they asked me if it was ok, but inside I'd be so upset

morrisseysquif · 05/10/2019 00:43

Pick another name.... he was absent in your childhood, your Mum wasn't.

You must know the hurt this will cause, or are you so obtuse?

So many names. Don't do it.

morrisseysquif · 05/10/2019 00:50

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

HerRoyalFattyness · 05/10/2019 01:01

OP, you are clearly set on using George and upsetting your mother in the process. So why even bother asking?
Almost everyone on this thread has told you what a bad idea it is to even mention to your mum that you have considered this make, yet you are adamant that you will tell her.
Quite frankly that is heartless. After all the shit your mother shielded you from, you should have a bit of respect and decency to not hurt her in this way.

SnappedandFartedagain · 05/10/2019 01:37

OMG don't even think about asking your mother about this! Pick another name!

Trebla · 05/10/2019 05:33

How about you call him what you like and be honest to everyone that it was because you just liked it?

Notajogger · 05/10/2019 05:48

Especially in leaving it until you've just had the baby and then expecting her to be honest with you Hmm - I think you're set on using the name and that's that.

This. Asking her about it seems entirely pointless - even if she is honest with you, what is the point in upsetting her? Of course she's not going to be OK with having to call her grandchild the same as her shitty ex. You're just putting the pressure on her to come up with a polite way to say "no", and upsetting her in the process.

And if you don't give the kid that name, she'll know you wanted to and will no doubt feel somewhat guilty that you didn't use the name you wanted because of her.

CupoTeap · 05/10/2019 05:55

Do it sooner rather than later - don't sour the whole arrival for her.

Tbh can you trust that she won't ever tell if you do tell her every?