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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pretend DC was named after my Dad

408 replies

MummyToBe89 · 04/10/2019 10:38

Our first DS is due in a matter of weeks and we have a name that we love.

It just so happens to be my Dad’s name.

I know if I tell my DF his name he’ll be over the moon thinking we’ve named out son after him. Do I pretend that that’s why we named him that name?

The only problem is my DM. My Mum and Dad are on great terms now, but it wasn’t always this way. When they broke up (I was 6) my Dad was very absent and it’s fair to say my DM did the bulk of the parenting. Although things are great now my Mum still likes to get little digs in after a drink about how he never gave her a penny and she did it all on her own etc.

I’d be worried if I name his, let’s say “John” then she’ll think I’ve given my Dad the honour of naming their first grandchild after him and be upset as he was absent for a lot of our childhood.

Do I tell my mum the truth that we just love the name? Then let my Dad think we’ve named him after him?

I know this may seem trivial but I just feel like naming a human is such a huge thing and don’t want to mess it up. Please help as I really don’t want to upset my Mum either!

OP posts:
Redshoesandtheblues · 04/10/2019 14:57

They may get on well now, but that's not really the point, is it?

Its whether it is seeing the daughter honouring her father, who wasnt there in the hard times.

You can spin it as much as you like, but no one will believe you chose that particular name just because you liked it.

I'm sorry. I think there are plenty of other names, just not that one.
And I admit, NRFT......

IHaveBrilloHair · 04/10/2019 14:58

Here's the thing, had he been a decent parent she wouldn't have to, "make an effort", they could/should have had a good co parenting relationship where no great effort was needed.
He was a shit Dad, and your Mum bore the brunt of it and shielded you from it.
If you do this you will devastate her, whether she shows it or not.

Reallybadidea · 04/10/2019 14:59

An armchair psychologist might speculate that you're subconsciously doing this to get your dad's attention and approval.

Either way, for your child's sake, try and pick a name that doesn't come with emotional baggage.

Redshoesandtheblues · 04/10/2019 15:00

Brillo summed it up far better than I did!

TheDizzyRascal · 04/10/2019 15:14

In my family there is a tradition that the eldest son of "George" is to be named George also. At one point there were 4 George's alive, known as Grandad George, Uncle George, Big George and Little George - if you think your son being called baby George or little George would annoy you (it would me!) then I would pick another name. And just to say, there are only 2 of them alive now, and "Little George" is still known as this even though he's 28 and a giant. xxx

callmeadoctor · 04/10/2019 15:21

OK, so what if your mum says that she does mind?

Original poster
MummyToBe89 · 04/10/2019 15:35

Thank you again for your comments. You have honestly made me rethink everything.

I am going to speak to my Mum, she is not backwards in coming forwards (will happily tell me I’ve put weight on Smile) and I know our relationship better than anyone else, so I am comfortable she will be honest.

Even if she says she likes the name but would prefer another I would pick another name and my DP will have to deal with it. If she says it’s not a problem I’ll be able to tell from her reaction if she’s being truthful.

I may leave it until right before he’s born though as I might pick another name and may have caused upset for nothing.

OP posts:
Doyoureallyneedtoask · 04/10/2019 15:40

Honestly unless you are intent on using the name, why mention it to your mother at all?

ShadowSardines · 04/10/2019 16:05

Why doesn't the name George primarily conjure up your father for you? My dad also has a common name, but I can't imagine naming my son that without feeling I was naming him after my father.

Potnoodledoo · 04/10/2019 16:06

Seriously just call the child something else.And im usually call the child what you,like.She will be hurt,theres no way she wouldnt be.

Where you not hurt by your df never being there when you where a child.Surely you noticed and it hurt you.Multiply that by a million.Thats your dm.

FizzyGreenWater · 04/10/2019 16:08

Sorry OP I think you are being very disingenuous.

Especially in leaving it until you've just had the baby and then expecting her to be honest with you Hmm - I think you're set on using the name and that's that.

In which case, I agree with those saying that it probably is the fact that it's your dad's name that's important. I can imagine that yes, there's a part of you which will always want his approval.

Be very careful that you don't end up regretting it though. Having a baby is a prime time for complicated feelings about your own childhood to surface and again, as others have said, I honestly think that you might find yourself looking at your loser dad with new eyes in a few months' time and perhaps regretting the choice.

It is SO MUCH EASIER to just not go with this name that you must be pretty damn fixated on it to push ahead with something that just is going to be hurtful.

It really was time here to put your mum first, you know?

dontpooyoureyesturnbrown · 04/10/2019 16:12

I'd pick another name tbh.

Teachermaths · 04/10/2019 16:13

Gosh don't leave it for your mum's reaction to make you decide. The hurt will already be done.

billy1966 · 04/10/2019 16:15

@Quickcook

I think your post is particularly insightful 👍

Rachelle11 · 04/10/2019 16:20

Why wouldn't you just respect your mum enough to chose a different name? Why even bring it up to her? I would also suggest you are looking for your father's approval.

AtrociousCircumstance · 04/10/2019 16:26

Don’t speak to your mum about it. Just don’t use the name.

It will definitely come over as a passive aggressive action against her, and an unconscious attempt to curry his favour.

It would be unfair and unkind to ‘ask’ her about it.

Hazardd · 04/10/2019 16:37

As another adult daughter of a single mum. Pick. Another. Name.

It doesn't matter if she's honest when you speak to her you should be smart and loving enough to never put her in that position.

chinam · 04/10/2019 17:02

I'd be absolutely devastated if my daughter did this to me 😭. She’s shielded you from so much.
This, a thousand times this. Your Dad sounds like he was a shit and you want to reward him for that.

Proseccoinamug · 04/10/2019 17:07

Really really don’t ask your mum. Even if you go with her wishes she will still be hurt. She doesn’t need to know that you had this thought.

IHaveBrilloHair · 04/10/2019 18:12
  1. Do not tell your Mum, it's just cruel.
  2. Your DP will have to deal with it?
Is he pushing this, and if so then I'm guessing he's a heartless git.
IHaveBrilloHair · 04/10/2019 18:15

I honestly can't imagine how I'd come to terms with even the suggestion of it, and I have a very close relationship with my Daughter.

NoSauce · 04/10/2019 18:17

You would be naming your son after your dad as it’s the same name!

I wouldn’t do this personally OP.

TapDanceJazzHands · 04/10/2019 18:24

There are sooo many lovely names out there. Surely you can think of another one to use? Especially if you're not naming the baby after your dad ..

BigSexyCrimeUnit · 04/10/2019 18:26

So you’re going to subtly pressure your mum (who’s already put up with so much but still protected you from the truth about your dad) into giving you the go ahead to hurt her more. That’s fucked up. If you love someone you protect them from hurt - like your mum did you.

OooErMissus · 04/10/2019 18:32

You can do much better than George, OP.

Put George on the back-burner, and look for another name.

This whole issue will likely go away.