To pretend DC was named after my Dad

[MummyToBe89]

Our first DS is due in a matter of weeks and we have a name that we love.

It just so happens to be my Dad’s name.

I know if I tell my DF his name he’ll be over the moon thinking we’ve named out son after him. Do I pretend that that’s why we named him that name?

The only problem is my DM. My Mum and Dad are on great terms now, but it wasn’t always this way. When they broke up (I was 6) my Dad was very absent and it’s fair to say my DM did the bulk of the parenting. Although things are great now my Mum still likes to get little digs in after a drink about how he never gave her a penny and she did it all on her own etc.

I’d be worried if I name his, let’s say “John” then she’ll think I’ve given my Dad the honour of naming their first grandchild after him and be upset as he was absent for a lot of our childhood.

Do I tell my mum the truth that we just love the name? Then let my Dad think we’ve named him after him?

I know this may seem trivial but I just feel like naming a human is such a huge thing and don’t want to mess it up. Please help as I really don’t want to upset my Mum either!

You have connected with this name because subconsciously its a way to connect with your Dad. He will obviously be delighted with you and everyone will think you are a Daddy's Girl and you will feel that you are. This is a common response to an absent parent.
Your mum may have driven you mad at times growing up but all parents do. She has loved you and cared for you even on the bad days.
Don't let your pain and confusion name your baby. Let this name go as you are holding on to it for the wrong reasons.

You say she'll be honest with you but you've also said she didn't tell you how useless and hurtful your DF was until recently. To me, this shows that she swallows her own feelings to protect yours.

Your mum doesn't deserve this.

I'm not sure why you even posted here, if you're so determined to be this selfish and silly about what should be a happy occasion.

Your poor mum.

FWIW I don't like the name George and thanks to the royals there will be hundreds of them about.

Just choose another name. There may be far more things she did for you that you don’t know about. Her life has been turned around because your dad left her holding the baby but there may be far more stuff.

I bet most of us SP or divorced parents would NOT discuss with our kids the depth of the damage the estranged dad did, your mum may have been abused, he may have hurt you, she may have spent her life trying to protect you and going without so you were fine.

You may not be choosing the name for your father but EVERYONE will assume that, you cannot hurt your mum so badly just because the name sounds nice.

If i knew you and didn't know your dad I'd assume you, very unoriginally, called your baby after Prince George. And I'd probably roll my eyes saying that if you have a girl you'll probably call her Charlotte!

Pick any other name. George is off limits for many reasons.

A relative of mine gave her first born the same name as a family pet - I am sure it was 100% because she loved the name. But it didn't stop the family jokes (and wondering if the second born would have the same name as the previous pet).

If i knew you and didn't know your dad I'd assume you, very unoriginally, called your baby after Prince George

That would be an odd assumption. There were many George’s before Prince George, and there will be many for generations to come. It may not be to your (or mine) taste, but it was a popular name before the birth of the Prince.

I wouldn't even use it as a middle name. In my family all the middle names are after another family member - I think that happens a lot! It could still be hurtful to your mum.

That would be an odd assumption. There were many George’s before Prince George, and there will be many for generations to come

I know that, but nowadays (in my mind, at least) George is linked to the Prince. And there has been a trend of people naming their children after celebrities or celebrities children. I'd think she used the name to mimic the little Royal.

It may be a strange assumption, but I'm sure it's one many people would make. Names move in and out of popularity, and tend to become more popular when someone famous or influential uses it.

Sure look at all the 30 something Kylie and Jason's around. Or the Rhiannas or Beyoncé. It's not an unusual phenomenon.

There are thousands of names to choose from. I think George is a bad choice at this time for multiple reasons.

I know OP you're unlikely to listen as hundreds of people have already said it, but don't put this on your mum. It's mean, disrespectful, hurtful and unfair. So what if she tells the truth to you, it would still hurt. But she probably won't as it sounds like she's spent her life putting herself second and you first.

So why not put her first for once and just change the name.

Why hurt her for nothing?

I really like my deadbeat dad's name and it wouldn't even have occured to me to use it. First because the pain it would have caused my mum would have been totally avoidable and extreme, and second because a kid deserves their own name, free of connotations.

Don't do it. How many people need to say it?!

I have the same name as my maternal grandmother. My mum and my grandmother had a really strained relationship so it's always confused me why I was given the same name. My mum was clear when I was growing up that I wasn't named "after" her, but it's unavoidable to see that I was!

I'm still confused by the decision now, decades later.

No, don’t leave it until right before he is born. You don’t want to have the time around the birth spoiled for your mother with such drama. You may be used to her sacrificing everything to keep you happy, it is your child after all, you can call him Hitler if you want, all your right. But it is her right to deal with in the way she pleases. This is the one where she can turn her back on you, such a staggering gesture of ingratitude and disrespect. Have you considered this may be the straw that breaks the camel’s back? Or would you be happy to let her tell you she loves the name while she gets totally broken inside?

She will deal with it? Maybe, but she won’t be the better mum/grandmother she would have been if you had chosen not to hurt her that way with a selfish choice of a name.

What about your DP? Does he have a loving DF who did stick around and support him growing up? How will he feel about your absent father getting the glory?

I love my Dad dearly and never felt he was absent until I grew up a bit and my DM pointed out that I only ever saw him if I phoned and asked to go and see him, I also never knew he didn’t give her money etc. So I grew up thinking my dad was a loving, caring Dad. Obviously now I’m older I see the hard work my Mum did in her own.

Your mother did a fantastic job of rearing you to not hate your father. Its very easy for single parents to be bitter and full of resentment and to let that spill over to their children. The fact that your dad walked away without giving you a second thought, that he never looked for you unless you looked for him, that he contributed nothing to your upbringing, school, activities, Christmas, birthdays, food, clothing, heat etc.. Your mother did it all alone, and still didn't complain. Yet you say"she still gets her little digs in when she's had a few drinks". I think she's more than entitled now to get her digs in. He is your dad. You love him. That is because your mother dud a fantastic job of hiding from you just what a waster he actually was.

When you have your own little boy you see how difficult parenthood is. And every phase of their life brings more difficult challenges, and bigger expenses. And your mam did that alone. With no input from a man who didn't care. Who wasn't bothered whether he saw you or not from one year to the next.

Do not give your son your father's name. Do not mention it to your mother. Obviously the "little digs" are scratching the surface of her true feelings on the man. True feelings that she has buried very very deep to protect you. You say you are very honest with each other. I think you would be shocked if your mother told you exactly what she felt all those years and how difficult it was to put on a brave face.

Pick any other name. Wait until he is born and you look at him and feel the love and protection for him. Then decide.

And, by the way, your title is that you ARE going to pretend you named him after your dad. So even if you tell your mam you're not. You will then tell your dad, and others, that you are so as not to upset your dad!

Why start your baby's life off on complicated lies and deception?

You're not listening so I'm not sure why you asked.

You're hell bent on using your favourite name irrespective of the hurt it will cause.

And even talking about it will cause upset.

So you go right ahead.

Seriously OP? You're still ploughing ahead with this?

You can tel which parent you are most like. It's the horrible one in case you can't tell

Seriously, just pick another name

So you're going to present it as a fait accompli, forcing her hand to say 'I don't mind, it's ok'? I think it's a really shitty and hurtful thing to do, this is going to be a real smack in the face for your poor mum. Lucky old dad swanning in and having a great relationship with you now that you are an adult and all the hard work is done, and getting the glory of having his grandson named after him and everyone cooing over how cute and lovely that is.

To those posters who are telling you that you can name your baby what the fuck you like and it's no one else's business.
Sure, technically. But it would make the OP a pretty unpleasant and selfish person to risk upsetting her mother in this way, and potentially marring what should otherwise be a happy time for everyone.

I was in this exact position OP
Exact position
I chose another name and thankfully my mum never knew I had been planning to give my son my dad's name. After everything she did for us on her own .... I realised how insensitive I was being.
Call your child something else
It's a no brainer really
Your poor mum

I think it is common for kids of absent parents to try very hard to please them and earn their approval. Are you absolutely sure that you aren't, on a subconscious level, still trying to please you df?

I think the fact your dm protected you as a child from knowing how crap your df was being is evidence that she's a great mum, not that your df deserves to be held in high esteem.

Op, I suspect you won’t, but please listen to us.

My Ds dad left when I was pregnant.

I beg him each month to visit my son, to just do the Disney dad thing if that’s all he wants to do, I have lied to Ds and pretended he has called to ask about his day. When he turns up I welcome him into our home, I get family photos of the 3 of us at Christmas so Ds has those to look back on. I make every effort for Ds to see us getting on so that he NEVER has to worry about choosing between us or feeling disloyal. I will shield my son with my dying bloody breath from the fact his dad really does not care about anyone other than himself. I am broke, I am exhausted, I have no pension and I tie myself in knots trying to give Ds a world where he has everything he ever needs and wants.

I WANT Ds to never realise his dad is a deadbeat. That is motherhood - protecting your child even when it kills you and you feel like you can’t breathe from the effort. Your mum is bloody amazing that even now as an adult you cannot truly see how your childhood was. I suspect when you hold your child in your arms for the first time you will get it. You will be unable to comprehend how your dad acted the way he did towards you, and you will understand the gift your mum has given you.

Please don’t do this to her

My friend's ex is an abusive, alcoholic, cocaine addict. He contributes nothing financially to his children and makes and breaks promises every time he opens his mouth. When he does come to see the children for an hour every so often, he usually asks her for a "loan" to bring them to Burger King. He is a waste of the world's resources and not many would mourn his loss.

However, his children think he's the world's greatest dad. In fact one of the children often blames and attacks her mother when she has to tell them yet again that he is not coming to see them. (he promises them directly so they're expecting him. Then texts the mother 20 minutes after he's supposed to be there to get her to tell them he's "sick").

Anyway, I don't know how that woman is still functioning. Still taking abuse from him, still taking abuse from her angry and upset children, and still carrying on without bad mouthing him to them in any way.

There is EVERY chance her daughter will want to call a baby her dad's name. It's a nice name! But what a kick in the teeth it would be to my friend if that were to happen. Funny enough, her daughter is the one who is angry and lashes out at her regularly. She is also totally besotted by her dad! Her mam says they both share the same selfish personality. She loves her daughter. 100%. But she can see the same anger and self-centeredness in her that is in him. So I could totally see the child "honouring" her waster father and sticking two fingers up at her mother, without actually realising that is what she would be doing.

Op I don’t know if you are planning to come back, but we’re you ever bullied at school? Seriously bullied. Bullied to the point of you failing your exams so instead of going to uni and having a high flying well paid job you are on a zero hours min wage contract. You may have built yourself back up but there will always be triggers that sent you in a tailspin and bring back the hurt. All your loved ones were put through the wringer by the bullies actions but they had to watch your pain.
Now imagine your DP insists that the best name EVER for your child is the name of that bully. How would you feel then?
Your mum’s life will have been affected the same way as if a school bully has done that to you. Digs when she’s had a drink because it’s harder to keeps hurt buried. Lack of money because she had to be there for you to make sure your life wasn’t affected by it all. Putting everything on hold to be there for you - because protecting kids by minimising the pain that those who are supplying love them dish out is what the other parent does so that their divorce doesn’t fuck up the child’s life.
I hope to god you are never in that situation. I don’t think you ever really have listened to your mum when she has ever let slip how hard it was because you don’t want to know - you don’t want your ‘perfect daddy’ dream ripped apart. But if you call your child your dads name it will rip apart your mum.
But hey, she’s always ‘just picked up the pieces of the shit he caused’ - what’s another one, eh?