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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pretend DC was named after my Dad

408 replies

MummyToBe89 · 04/10/2019 10:38

Our first DS is due in a matter of weeks and we have a name that we love.

It just so happens to be my Dad’s name.

I know if I tell my DF his name he’ll be over the moon thinking we’ve named out son after him. Do I pretend that that’s why we named him that name?

The only problem is my DM. My Mum and Dad are on great terms now, but it wasn’t always this way. When they broke up (I was 6) my Dad was very absent and it’s fair to say my DM did the bulk of the parenting. Although things are great now my Mum still likes to get little digs in after a drink about how he never gave her a penny and she did it all on her own etc.

I’d be worried if I name his, let’s say “John” then she’ll think I’ve given my Dad the honour of naming their first grandchild after him and be upset as he was absent for a lot of our childhood.

Do I tell my mum the truth that we just love the name? Then let my Dad think we’ve named him after him?

I know this may seem trivial but I just feel like naming a human is such a huge thing and don’t want to mess it up. Please help as I really don’t want to upset my Mum either!

OP posts:
ElizaPancakes · 04/10/2019 13:58

The thing is, I’m sure OP’s mum will feel it’s petty to show her upset as well. I’m sure that she’ll shield her daughter from her upset - but I’m sorry I don’t believe that deep down those of you that say you wouldn’t care actually wouldn’t. I just think you’d do the right thing for your child so they don’t feel bad.

Saharafordessert · 04/10/2019 13:59

Choose a different name, if I was your mum I’d be gutted.

Excited101 · 04/10/2019 14:00

Please don’t talk to your mum about it, just don’t use it. Absolutely not. She will think of your dad every time she says his name, and it could really affect things. Just don’t.

Lllot5 · 04/10/2019 14:02

I was gutted and my ex didn’t walk out on his family and didn’t leave us with no money and all that shit. And it’s only his middle name.
Chose something else. Plenty of names out there. What’s the male version of your Mum’s name?

BigSexyCrimeUnit · 04/10/2019 14:04

This is horrible and I can't understand why you don't see why. To hurt your mum in this way (which you would do even if she pretends she isn't hurt) is really selfish and unkind.

MachineBee · 04/10/2019 14:04

Personally, I wouldn’t use your father’s name - your DM is unlikely to say anything but she will be hurt.

And no matter how set you are on a particular name you may find you change your mind when your DS is born. I did with my first born and I know of others who took one look at their newborn and felt that the name they had in mind simply didn’t suit the child. So don’t feel you have to stick to this choice. Changes of mind are perfectly fine. No matter how many people you’ve already told.

NaviSprite · 04/10/2019 14:05

Well I’ve been in a similar position OP - my DS is named George. I grew up with my Grandparents and that was my Grandfathers name (he passed away when I was 15) thing is my own Mum who I now have a good relationship with, but was a fairly absent parent when I was growing up, despised her Dad (my Gdad) because she says he coerced her into giving me and my brother to him to look after. I’m not going into the ins and outs of that.

My Gran (widower of said Grandfather) also holds less than fond memories of him.

DH had a cousin named George who passed away at 19yo.

So there were so many reasons people gave to not use the name... but I had always loved the name and wanted that name for my son if I ever had one. So we did. Everybody who had issue with it to begin with no longer have any problems with it. Because whilst the name may be the same the person is not. My little boy is his own person and so the connotations of the name for the older members of my family are not his responsibility. Now they say it’s the perfect name for him.

Names are important, yes, but I would speak to your Mum, say that’s the name you like, it’s nothing to do with your Dad - just an unhappy coincidence and see what she says. If you’re as honest with one another as you say she should have no problem believing you and maybe, just maybe, she’ll love your DC so much that a previously negative name becomes something lovely and positive?

Also to PP who take issue with the name - sod off, George is a lovely name Grin

ASandwichNamedKevin · 04/10/2019 14:05

I absolutely agree that it's not the children's fault Sagrada and it's clear you will prioritise your DD.

Within my family circle some have not been very lucky with one parent. I have seen first hand how people still love their father who broke their mother's nose.
Or others be disappointed time and time again when their dad didn't show up again because he was passed out drunk. Love isn't logical and against the backdrop of alcoholism and domestic abuse a different dad in the group is seen as not bad because he has only been absent (and gone on to father more children with others).

People will always love their parents but I think they also need to know the person they are as an adult, if only to save themselves some hurt and then put the knowledge aside and enjoy the relationship they have. No one is perfect.

But I do think in the OP's scenario any name but his for the baby's first name.

misspiggy19 · 04/10/2019 14:08

Why should your Dad be honoured with his grandchild being called his name when he was a bad parent

^This. Plus I don’t understand people who choose to name their children after someone in the family. I find it weird and creepy

LittleDancers · 04/10/2019 14:08

Even if you told your mum that it's just because you like the name and not because you want to name your DS after your DF... she might not believe you on that, and think you are fibbing to her face/patronising her with a weak excuse on top of having her DGS named after her ex, who didn't treat her/you so well. A double whammy.

If it's unlikely to go down well I'd personally choose another name.

MyMaybeBaby · 04/10/2019 14:09

Playing devil's advocate here but ... will naming your DC after your father upset your ILs too? Names are a minefield. voice of bitter experience

spottysept · 04/10/2019 14:10

I'd just say to your mum 'look, we really like the name George, but obviously that's dads name and I don't want to hurt your feelings... what do you think?'

Sagradafamiliar · 04/10/2019 14:10

Hope you're ok OP Thanks

IncrediblySadToo · 04/10/2019 14:19

I wouldn’t even ask your Mum.

I’d just choose another name. It’s abour respect really isn’t it. She’ll have to use her Ex’s name every time she talks about her Grandson, have all her friends & family think you named him after your jategekt absent father. No matter what she says, that’ll be hard in her

She soent your childhood protecting you from how crap he was, calling your son his name is just mean

How about

Henry
Harry
Albert (albie)
Fredrick (Freddy)

Bridy
Nathaniel (Nate)

Or any of the millions in the baby books that aren’t the name of the man that walked out on your mum and left her to bring you up single handedly. No matter how you get on with him now, that’s what he did to your Mum and SHE protected you from her hurt & struggles so you thought he was a good Dad.

IMO. The least you can do is not name her Grandchild the same name

drumandthebass · 04/10/2019 14:19

Great name - that was my Dad's name!

saywhatwhatnow · 04/10/2019 14:20

The fact that you had no idea that your father didn't make any effort in seeing you as a child, and didn't pay towards your upbringing, just cements the fact that your mum did an amazing job. She didn't bad mouth him or tell you what an awful parent he was during your childhood, she just got on with raising you well. Don't name your child after him (call it what you will). Don't do that to your lovely mum.

Other suggestions include Henry, Arthur, Louis and William.

Johnjoeseph · 04/10/2019 14:22

As this is your first baby OP you probably can't fully comprehend the position your mother was in when you were a child. I'd wager in another year or two you might have a somewhat more negative view on your father...

Don't use the name, I wouldn't even insult your mum by asking her.

littlehappyhippo · 04/10/2019 14:27

@ElizaPancakes

... I’m sorry I don’t believe that deep down those of you that say you wouldn’t care actually wouldn’t.

And I don't believe that you don't believe those people.

pigsDOfly · 04/10/2019 14:38

Well speaking as a mother who, although not left with nothing by my exh like your DM was OP - he paid maintenance but didn't make any effort to see the children - I would be massively hurt if one of my DCs named their baby after him.

Even if you tell your DM that you called him that just because you like the name, if you tell your Dad that you named the baby after him he's bound to let everyone know, including your DM, that the baby was named after him.

Why would you do that to your DM? Can you not see how hurtful that would be for her?

Please pick another name.

Slappadabass · 04/10/2019 14:40

Usually I'm the one saying, name your kid what you like, it's 100% your choice but in this case I think it very disrespectful towards your mum.
My dad was a deadbeat and I would never ever do something that to a woman who raised me, and struggled on her own, it would be like a kick in the teeth.
Fair enough it might be just a name you like, and nothing to do with your dad but it won't seem like that, there's millions of names, surely you can find another that isn't going to offend your mum!

littlehappyhippo · 04/10/2019 14:41

Are people not reading the OP properly? She said her mum and dad GET ON WELL NOW.

IHaveBrilloHair · 04/10/2019 14:50

No, no and fucking no.
Dd, if you are somehow, bizarrely reading this, do not name your son, should you have one, Benjamin.
Lovely name, shit father.

pigsDOfly · 04/10/2019 14:50

@littlehappyhippo Yes, I did see that, I also get on well with my exh now.

My exh has put in a lot of effort and managed to build a good relationship with two of our children now that they are adults - the other one still keeps him at a distance though - and I have quite a lot of contact with him as well.

All that makes no difference to the situation that was in place when the OP was growing up.

The OP also said that her DM manages to get little digs in when she's had a drink, which shows that her DM still has a lot of resentment towards him.

I know how that feels and will also have a little dig from time to time but I don't drink so don't need alcohol to help me make digs.

CapturedFairy · 04/10/2019 14:53

Even if your parents "get on well" now, he still left her to do it by herself with no financial help.

Once you are a parent yourself you are going to realise how much hard work it is and doing it by yourself with no support, day in, day out is fucking hard. Dh is fully hands on but I didn't live close to my family so had no help when Dh was at work. It was difficult to say the least and that was knowing that Dh would walk through the door and take Ds1 immediately.

So no, I wouldn't name your son with the same name as your Dad.

Imagine a past boyfriend who treated you like shit, we have usually all had them, and your Dp/Dh suggested using that name. Would you want to have to say that name every day?

Choose a different name.

Rachelle11 · 04/10/2019 14:53

No she said they get on great but she gets her digs in about how he never paid anything and was absent. It sounds like the mum is constantly trying to shield OP, and it doesn't sound like "great terms" for her mum.

I would choose a different name. Your mum has clearly sacrificed a lot for you over the years and continues to by making an effort with your dad. You can find another name you love.

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