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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To pretend DC was named after my Dad

408 replies

MummyToBe89 · 04/10/2019 10:38

Our first DS is due in a matter of weeks and we have a name that we love.

It just so happens to be my Dad’s name.

I know if I tell my DF his name he’ll be over the moon thinking we’ve named out son after him. Do I pretend that that’s why we named him that name?

The only problem is my DM. My Mum and Dad are on great terms now, but it wasn’t always this way. When they broke up (I was 6) my Dad was very absent and it’s fair to say my DM did the bulk of the parenting. Although things are great now my Mum still likes to get little digs in after a drink about how he never gave her a penny and she did it all on her own etc.

I’d be worried if I name his, let’s say “John” then she’ll think I’ve given my Dad the honour of naming their first grandchild after him and be upset as he was absent for a lot of our childhood.

Do I tell my mum the truth that we just love the name? Then let my Dad think we’ve named him after him?

I know this may seem trivial but I just feel like naming a human is such a huge thing and don’t want to mess it up. Please help as I really don’t want to upset my Mum either!

OP posts:
SilverSparkle · 05/10/2019 10:29

Agree with the majority, pick another name. Even though you say your son won’t be named after your absent father, everyone else won’t see it like that, and neither will your mum. There are so many other lovely names out there that you’re bound to find another one you love just as much. Surely your relationship with your mum and how she feels after all she has done for you is worth so much more than a name that will cause her hurt.

Smelborp · 05/10/2019 10:33

Looking at the vast majority of replies here OP, even if your mum is fine with it, this is how her family and her friends will respond. Even if she manages to be fine with it in the immediacy of the moment (and bear in mind, brutally honest or not she won’t want to upset her heavily pregnant daughter) she may not be fine with it in a years time.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 05/10/2019 10:35

I would really use another name OP.

It doesn't matter how open your mum is - she could be hurt you considered it, and one of these 'digs' in future could be about how you named (or considered naming) your DS after your father. There are thousands of names, just choose another one.

Schuyler · 05/10/2019 10:39

YABU to even ask your mum. It’s a name, a popular one at that, find another name.

Your mum was selfless enough to raise you and protect you from the truth about your dad’s uselessness. Show her she’s raised an equally selfless woman and let this go. It’s a name. Relationships matter so much more.

tiajon · 05/10/2019 10:56

I can't believe these responses - of course you should go with the name you want! 100%

And there's no need to 'pretend' anything to anyone. Just be honest.

I'd tell both parents in advance - mention to your dad that you love the name (let's say) Robert and were planning on using it. If he wants to believe the child is named after him then so be it.

Out of politeness (and so it's not a 'shock'), tell your mum that you've always loved the name Robert and would be naming the baby that. Not after dad, you just love the name more than any other.

I'm rather shocked at the responses. You don't need to 'take into account' anyone's feelings when naming your child, except yours and the child's.

MrHaroldFry · 05/10/2019 10:57

OP. I'm sorry to sound harsh but there are, quite literally, millions of names you can choose to name your child. I'm sure if you walked into any library or bookshop you could find at least three books full of names.
Please please please consider how you will feel once you have named your son and then, when he is six and you are overcome with love for him at the very age you were when your father left, say his name and feel that sadness you felt at six. His name will always remind you of the man that left you and your mother. There must be a name with more positive connotations that would be equally as suitable.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 05/10/2019 11:00

Get a baby name book and go through it. I'm sure you can come up with a lovely name which doesn't have so much negative family baggage associated with it. (Hopefully one which isn't so overused there will be three or four other little Georges in his class come reception. ) Of course you know your Mum better than random strangers in the internet, but she's done a bloody good job of hiding her true feelings over the years, even if she gets on well with him now.

twirlypoo · 05/10/2019 11:00

Really Tiajon? You would purposefully cause hurt like that because you shouldn’t have to take anyone else’s feelings into account? I can’t imagine living my life that way 🤷‍♀️

SoyDora · 05/10/2019 11:00

You don't need to 'take into account' anyone's feelings when naming your child, except yours and the child's

Of course you don’t need to. No one is saying that. However why would you actively choose a name that has the potential to upset the person who has sacrificed a lot to bring you up, when there are literally millions of other options?
I’d like to think most people are kinder than that.

tiajon · 05/10/2019 11:01

And just to add - my child's father was a controlling abusive man. If my child later on told me they wanted to name their son the same name as him I wouldn't think twice about it. It's up to the individual what they like! Strange responses imo

Nanny0gg · 05/10/2019 11:02

I'm rather shocked at the responses. You don't need to 'take into account' anyone's feelings when naming your child, except yours and the child's.

No, of course you don't.

Confused

I bet that attitude has served you well. At others' expense of course, but then, who cares?

tiajon · 05/10/2019 11:02

I just couldn't imagine stopping someone using their favourite name! Very selfish

SoyDora · 05/10/2019 11:04

No one is stopping her though.

twirlypoo · 05/10/2019 11:08

Just because I don’t stop people doing things doesn’t mean it wouldn’t hurt me - I didn’t stop my ex having an affair, but it hurt. Is it selfish to wish people would behave in a way that considered other people’s feelings?!

NotTonightJosepheen · 05/10/2019 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tiajon · 05/10/2019 11:09

I can very much put myself in the mother's shoes. OP said the father was 'absent'. As I say, my child's father was not only absent but when he was with us was physically and emotionally abusive to me for many years. Yet it's not up to me to decide a name can't be used. I'm a grown woman, it's a name.

The mother should be considering the daughter's feelings and not trying to control such an important decision for the OP based on her own feelings. It's up to OP what she likes.

SoyDora · 05/10/2019 11:10

The mother should be considering the daughter's feelings and not trying to control such an important decision for the OP based on her own feelings

Have you actually read the thread? The mother isn’t trying to control anything, she knows nothing about it.

tiajon · 05/10/2019 11:14

That's what I'm saying though. It shouldn't even be a question. Surely the OP will tell her mum and her mum may not like the name but wouldn't try to sway the decision. So why are people saying "use a different name"?

Your mum won't expect you to use a different name! It shouldn't even be an issue. You use the name you like.

stanski · 05/10/2019 11:24

I would chose another name tbh

ThatCurlyGirl · 05/10/2019 11:26

Almost always on name subjects I think going for the name you love is best.

But I think this is really hurtful to your mum. If you have the relationship you say then maybe she will think it's ok and be honest about it.

My concern would be that she would be really upset about the prospect of using that name for a grandchild for the rest of her life but would say it's ok because she doesn't want you to have to give up a name you love.

I couldn't do it to my mum, I don't usually say this but there are millions of other names - giving this one up is an act of love for your mum. I think asking to use it is putting her in such a difficult position that it would be unfair on her.

needsahouseboy · 05/10/2019 11:38

I’ve bought my child up alone and I’d be utterly devastated if my DS called his child his Dads name. It would, rightly or wrongly, feel like s massive slap in the face.

It would remind me of all the hard times I have had doing everything on my own, whenever I said the child’s name.

Over dramatic and unreasonable it may be but that’s what I’d feel.

SoyDora · 05/10/2019 11:40

Your mum won't expect you to use a different name! It shouldn't even be an issue. You use the name you like

No, she may well not expect her to use a different name. She may say it’s fine, she may mean it, she may not. The fact is that it has the capacity to hurt her mum, regardless of what she says. I would always choose not to hurt my mum, who has brought me up and cared for me and loved me, than choose to do something that could cause her distress, if at all possible.
Sometimes, it’s nice to think of other people.

SoyDora · 05/10/2019 11:41

You would obviously choose to do what you want, regardless of the potential hurt to someone. That’s your decision. It’s not how I like to live my life.

tiajon · 05/10/2019 11:48

The OP isn't naming the child after her dad though - she's not doing it to honour him because she thinks he's such a wonderful man. She just loves the name.

Like many parents use a name (such as) 'John' or 'Richard' as a middle or first name for their child. Not because they particularly like the name even, but because they want to honour an amazing man. OP genuinely just loves the name in question - she will tell her mum exactly that. It's not to pay tribute to her dad as an amazing parent - therefore it's certainly not a kick in the teeth.

RollaCola84 · 05/10/2019 11:49

I'd used another name, or a variant of it if one exists (so if Dad's name is John consider Sean for example).

I have a boys name I love that happens to be my paternal grandfather's name. However, he fucked off when my dad was about 7-8 leaving my grandmother in pre welfare state/pre child maintenance service days with 5 kids under secondary school age. My dad occasionally relates heartbreaking stories of being hungry and poorly clothed as a child despite his mum's best efforts, and as the oldest son being the one sent to his dad (who still lived nearby with his new family) to get the money he promised to give and usually coming home empty handed. Maybe having been bought a bag of chips. I couldn't do that to my dad, and in your position I wouldn't do it to your mum.

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