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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with friend... or more annoyed with myself perhaps

105 replies

bullseye2018 · 04/10/2019 02:52

Earlier this year I had a mental turnaround when I realised how much bullshit treatment I've taken on the chin my entire life and decided I wasn't prepared to put up with it anymore.

I'm encountering a lot of pushback from people in my life who are used to bullseye being the people pleaser so it's not been easy, but I'm doing my best to stop treading water and move forward with greater assertiveness. But my initial reaction to things is still one of the people pleaser so it's an endless battle against myself. When I realise what's happened later I get really angry. With the person but more with me for folding.

Which brings me to today's example. Due to meet a friend for an early lunch on the coast near where he is staying (of course). This is a significant drive for me, but I like the area so was happy to oblige. Only we've woken to terrible weather with forecasts of a severe thunderstorm storm coming through set to hit at meeting time. So I tell him this and suggest we meet somewhere inland where we won't be so exposed. To which he replies "Fag".

My immediate reaction is to reply back with "All right then, I'll meet you as planned." But I don't and instead wonder what the hell he means by that, so if anyone has any clues please fill me in.

I reply back with a "?". To which he replied he had planned his day around our lunch. I end the exchange with an agreement to meet as planned though now I've lost interest.

It's always the same. With this friend and with others. It's always on their terms, at a place more convenient to them, at the time they specify. In the past I have suggested we meet halfway, but they end up booking somewhere close to them anyway. I realise I've dug my own hole because I spent most of our friendship happy to oblige others not realising it was taken for granted, but I have a lot more on my plate now so isn't it fair enough that I can expect a bit of flexibility in others without the backlash?

Prepared to be told I am being unreasonable for suggesting we deviate from the plan, but I'm pretty pissed off with his replies.

OP posts:
FavouriteSong · 04/10/2019 02:56

He sounds like a twat and no, you're not being unreasonable to want to change the arrangements. Calling you a fag sounds like a homophobic slur - no idea why he thinks that's a clever response.

Original poster
bullseye2018 · 04/10/2019 03:02

Thanks @FavouriteSong. I thought so too. Unless there's another meaning for "fag" besides a cigarette or it being a homophobic slur I can't work out what he means. I suppose he thought he was being funny or something. I'm quite sick of people thinking they're being funny by insulting me.

OP posts:
Weezol · 04/10/2019 03:04

He sounds like a dick. The thing with learning to stand up for yourself is that it really sorts the wheat from the chaff as far as friends go. You'll end up shedding a few folk along the way.

It's the quality of the people in your life that matters, not the quantity.

We have severe weather warnings in place here, advising no unnecessary travel. Lunch with a dick is the definition of 'unnecessary travel'.

I suggest you cancel lunch and treat yourself to something nice instead with the money you'll save.

Original poster
bullseye2018 · 04/10/2019 03:06

@Weezol Sadly thought he was "wheat" :(

OP posts:
Bahhhhhumbug · 04/10/2019 03:17

My DH is a people pleaser and it drives me to despair. Especially with his family he's all definitely not going to do xyz or whatever and then he turns round and does it after a few protests from them. Silly thing is he is, or can be an extremely assertive person and is very confident but is just too soft and boy do they know it. So of course now they will never take no for an answer they are so used to him giving in.
I remember once he actually wouldn't shift on something he felt strongly about and the ensuing outrage and tanțrum (from an adult) was unbelievable. They hurled abuse at him and flounce off into the sunset for about three weeks nc.

Original poster
bullseye2018 · 04/10/2019 03:28

@Bahhhhhumbug Exactly! Just a small gesture of assertion sends them into a tailspin!

I mentioned on another post about another former friend of mine who is highly critical of other mothers. It took me some time to clock onto how rigid and offensive she is as I only met her after my son was born who is a terrible, terrible sleeper, so a lot of what she said washed over me in my sleep-deprived haze and I probably just thought "Meh".

However, a few months ago she was off on another mum-shaming rant about "crap mothers" (FYI these mothers are not crap in reality, just not following HER parenting style). She wanted me to concur but I said I disagreed and thought said mothers were fine. Then I asked why she cared what other mothers did with their children. She was taken aback and got defensive. I again calmly asked her how the way other mothers chose to rear their children affected her. She flew off the handle completely, ranting and raving like I'd never heard her before, because I guess I had never questioned her. She flung various insults my way then disappeared offline, only to reappear the next day to demand an apology. I didn't give one as one wasn't required and we haven't spoken since.

OP posts:
joyfullittlehippo · 04/10/2019 03:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Iconapop · 04/10/2019 03:44

Fag can mean something that's tiring or a waste of time - as in 'it's too much of a fag to drive there'.

Soon2BeMumof3 · 04/10/2019 03:45

Be proud of yourself for the personal growth and self awareness you've achieved.

Be annoyed at your friend for being inflexible, selfish and throwing around homophobic slurs.

joyfullittlehippo · 04/10/2019 03:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snowfalling · 04/10/2019 03:47

Are you still meeting this friend? I would still cancel, your safety is paramount. Remind yourself he wouldn't do the same for you. In fact, I would rearrange to someone more local to you for the hell of it.

Also, next time you refuse to roll over and people-please, don't engage with any insults or pleading. You will most likely end up giving in.

Snowfalling · 04/10/2019 03:49

*somewhere more local

Wallywobbles · 04/10/2019 04:10

Fag means it's a pain to do. It's a fag (shag/PIA) to do. Not homophobic at all in this instance.

Original poster
bullseye2018 · 04/10/2019 04:15

Thanks for your replies. I half expected to get flamed. I’m going to ask what he meant.

OP posts:
Rachelle11 · 04/10/2019 04:19

I'm hoping you cancelled?

ThisIsNotMyRealName1 · 04/10/2019 04:26

I often use the term fagged to mean I can't be bothered, as in I can't be fagged doing ... . However, I wouldn't actually have twigged that was what he meant by fag. I took it as a homophobic slur or something not that nice.

In your shoes, I'd probably have flagged lunch mainly given the weather warning but also just because.

FavouriteSong · 04/10/2019 04:48

Having realised fag also means a chore, I think he was telling you he can't be arsed to change his plans despite the weather.

walkintheparc · 04/10/2019 05:54

You are who you surround yourself with - don't waste time with shit people who make you feel unimportant. It's never too late to make new friends.

DownTownAbbey · 04/10/2019 06:07

He couldn't be fagged to write a proper reply, just put 'fag' which means ' you're expecting me to drive to meet you! That's too much effort!'. Tbh he can't be fagged to write a text so not surprised he won't drive to meet you. What a charmer.

custardbear · 04/10/2019 06:09

Where is he from? I took fag as being a pain -
Also why not just meet there anyway what difference does a storm
Make - if anything it'll be lovely in a storm!

custardbear · 04/10/2019 06:10

... by the sea that is

firelightbright · 04/10/2019 06:11

I wouldn't bother going.

8by8 · 04/10/2019 06:21

Ok text him now saying “I’ve checked the weather again and it’s not safe to drive that route. If you can get to x at y o clock, I can get the train and meet you there. Otherwise we’ll have to skip it.”

Thehop · 04/10/2019 06:24

Does he mean can’t be fagged like can’t be arsed?

He sounds a twat. Cancel

AJPTaylor · 04/10/2019 06:26

Honestly, cancel.
Say. "I have realised that "fag" perfectly describes the situation where you are being put out. I asked you to compromise and meet a little closer to me but this is clearly too much. Me driving through a storm to the coast on a Friday is too much for me. May be we can meet when the weather is better."