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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with friend... or more annoyed with myself perhaps

105 replies

bullseye2018 · 04/10/2019 02:52

Earlier this year I had a mental turnaround when I realised how much bullshit treatment I've taken on the chin my entire life and decided I wasn't prepared to put up with it anymore.

I'm encountering a lot of pushback from people in my life who are used to bullseye being the people pleaser so it's not been easy, but I'm doing my best to stop treading water and move forward with greater assertiveness. But my initial reaction to things is still one of the people pleaser so it's an endless battle against myself. When I realise what's happened later I get really angry. With the person but more with me for folding.

Which brings me to today's example. Due to meet a friend for an early lunch on the coast near where he is staying (of course). This is a significant drive for me, but I like the area so was happy to oblige. Only we've woken to terrible weather with forecasts of a severe thunderstorm storm coming through set to hit at meeting time. So I tell him this and suggest we meet somewhere inland where we won't be so exposed. To which he replies "Fag".

My immediate reaction is to reply back with "All right then, I'll meet you as planned." But I don't and instead wonder what the hell he means by that, so if anyone has any clues please fill me in.

I reply back with a "?". To which he replied he had planned his day around our lunch. I end the exchange with an agreement to meet as planned though now I've lost interest.

It's always the same. With this friend and with others. It's always on their terms, at a place more convenient to them, at the time they specify. In the past I have suggested we meet halfway, but they end up booking somewhere close to them anyway. I realise I've dug my own hole because I spent most of our friendship happy to oblige others not realising it was taken for granted, but I have a lot more on my plate now so isn't it fair enough that I can expect a bit of flexibility in others without the backlash?

Prepared to be told I am being unreasonable for suggesting we deviate from the plan, but I'm pretty pissed off with his replies.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 04/10/2019 09:42

Differing opinions @14AmIThough that's why she needs to ask

Original poster
bullseye2018 · 04/10/2019 09:44

Well, I met him and he admitted he used the word “fag” because he was calling me a “pussy” for not wanting to come out in a storm.

The storm hasn’t been as bad a forecast.

Besides that it was a nice catch up. He knows I’m disappointed by the use of the word.

To answer the questions, he has time off work but doesn’t actually seem to have plans for the rest of the day despite what he said.

OP posts:
Original poster
bullseye2018 · 04/10/2019 09:48

@pictish Note it...and next time try to similarly make arrangements on your terms. See how that goes.

That’s my plan.

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AmIThough · 04/10/2019 09:49

Thanks for the clarity @bullseye2018.
I'm glad you had a nice time.

FWIW this doesn't make you a pushover and doesn't mean your failing in your mission to be more assertive x

diddl · 04/10/2019 09:49

He sounds horrible.

Original poster
bullseye2018 · 04/10/2019 09:51

@Juells I am going to embrace my inner cat too. Great phrase.

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Original poster
bullseye2018 · 04/10/2019 09:52

Thanks, @NotSorry. These old patterns are proving hard to break so good to know you come out the other side at some point.

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HairyDogsOfThigh · 04/10/2019 09:56

I see you've met him now, but i agree with pp that the time to assert your boundaries was when you were originally making the plan. So to meet at a more convenient location etc. Changing a lunch date because of the weather forecast (unless you'd arranged a picnic) is not really about being assertive, it's just annoying to the other person who may well have arranged things around the lunch (which, in this case, he had).
Good luck with your ongoing boundary setting process and remember, Rome wasn't built in a day and sometimes there will be setbacks, but just try and move in a generally forwards direction.

Original poster
bullseye2018 · 04/10/2019 09:58

@getoutofthatgarden202 I don’t understand people’s logic when they always expect you to go to them. I’ve had countless friends groan when I’ve suggested they come to me for a change and say “But your place is so far to drive.” Yes, precisely the same distance as it is for me to drive to you!

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tweedledeedo · 04/10/2019 10:01

But you need to say that to them. Not just think it!

Original poster
bullseye2018 · 04/10/2019 10:04

@AmIThough FWIW this doesn't make you a pushover and doesn't mean your failing in your mission to be more assertive x

Thanks. I hope not. I can’t lose momentum now. Not going back to that life.

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Original poster
bullseye2018 · 04/10/2019 10:07

@HairyDogsOfThigh Yes, but as it turns out he had nothing planned for the day. I asked.

@tweedledeedo Yes, I have at times pointed that out to friends but they either look confused, like they don’t understand basic physics, or they just shrug.

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Jaggypinecone · 04/10/2019 10:11

I'm glad you had a nice time but, do you always go to him or does he ever make the effort to come to you? If it's the former then you perhaps need to reassess your relationship as it's not 50/50, as per your very good comment. Good luck!

“But your place is so far to drive.” Yes, precisely the same distance as it is for me to drive to you!

swingofthings · 04/10/2019 10:14

I have friends who I always travel to, some who always travel and some I meet halfway. There are usually good reasons for each.

If you are not happy then you need to express yourself, but don't fall into the opposite stand that everyone should accommodate you whenever it suits you. Flexibility is key.

BlingLoving · 04/10/2019 10:14

I’ve had countless friends groan when I’ve suggested they come to me for a change and say “But your place is so far to drive.”

I am not, generally, a people pleaser but this comment above stood out. Because I feel your paid. We used to live just outside of london. Now we live a little further outside london. It took me a few years to realise that we always were meeting people near them. And partly it was practical in that if I was in London, I'd stop off near them, then get back on train go home. But sometimes it was just because that was considered normal. So I started refusing. And to give my friends credit, most totally got it.

hyperkatinka · 04/10/2019 10:15

what pictish said - people do not like their expectations of a person being changed - it's bad to be a people pleaser these days because so many people (like a few on this thread) will not hold themselves back if you agree to do any silly out of your way thing as they'll not consider your effort, and not especially appreciate it as they're used to you doing things like that.

If you're being more assertive and making better bargains (good), you do sometimes have to let a few old friendships go.

Boysey45 · 04/10/2019 10:17

If people want everything on their terms its selfish.
I'd have dropped the friend, and going forward it would be halfway or 50/50 in terms of visiting.
I think he was really rude I would have told him where to go. I think its fair enough not to want to drive over in a bad thunderstorm, I don't think you were unreasonable.I think its totally unacceptable to speak to friends like he spoke to you.

katewhinesalot · 04/10/2019 10:23

From the other side, in this instance I can see why it would be annoying for him to change venue. His plans for the day are based around the existing location and time. Perhaps there's no spare time either side for travel.

I agree that at the point of making the arrangement it should have been somewhere mutually convenient. But that's the point you needed to stand up for your own rights. Changing plans at short notice, however justifiable due to the weather, isn't a matter of fairness, it's actually creating an added inconvenience for him. And if he can't make a different venue then that's fair enough.

I know he didn't actually have different plans, so now is when you remember that next time and ensure its fair to you. If it's not, then you need to extract yourself from the friendship.

Ohyesiam · 04/10/2019 10:23

Fag as I n it’s hassle. My mum says it, but usually as part of a sentence.

AryaStarkWolf · 04/10/2019 10:24

"Fag"? ugh he sounds like a prince. I would have cancelled, YANBU

AmIThough · 04/10/2019 10:32

@Ohyesiam read the update

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/10/2019 10:37

As you carry on through this life-change (which is an excellent one) you will be able to work out which friends will be keepers - they will be the ones who are as prepared to put themselves out for you as you are for them.

This guy - maybe not.

Anyone who tells you it's too far for them to drive to your house, unless they're either disabled or can't afford the petrol, definitely not.

The ones who make the effort for you will be the ones worth keeping.

I come back to the UK once a year to see friends and family - I no longer chase people to try and meet up with them, I just send out an email to everyone to let them know my dates and whoever responds, I meet up with. I've lost a few along the way but quite honestly I don't care now - if they couldn't be arsed to put themselves out for the 3 weeks that I was in the UK, then I can no longer be arsed to take time out to travel to see them.
I do travel to see people where it's far enough that we need to stay over - or where other people can meet up at their place too - but most of the locals/day trips, not any more.

It's a bit shit to realise that people aren't prepared to put their own effort into maintaining friendships - but hey, they're the users who you're trying to offload anyway, so let them go with a light heart.

NotSorry · 04/10/2019 12:21

you really do need to come back at people that say it's too far to drive

I play a team sport and our home match day is Saturday morning - a team turned up moaning and whinging that it's Saturday morning, what a horrible time to have it, long drive etc. etc.

I said "we feel exactly the same when we are schlepping all the way to your club on Friday night in the rush hour"

Don't be afraid to say something back.

BTW my username is from a book that was recommended on here - I loved it and now practice the "not sorry" method of saying no (or whatever it is I need to say) "the life changing magic of not giving a fuck" read it, it will help! I've got that username to keep reminding me I'm NOT SORRY

Original poster
bullseye2018 · 04/10/2019 12:45

@NotSorry I noticed your user name. I’ve been making a dedicated effort to avoid saying sorry unless I’ve actually done something to be sorry for. That’s something I am definitely getting better at. Smile

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Original poster
bullseye2018 · 04/10/2019 12:58

On not saying sorry. The other friend I mentioned earlier is a case in point. The day after she chucked the shits at me for not joining in her vicious mum-shaming rant and for questioning why other women’s parenting style affected her so much she demanded an apology. Rich considering I had only said I disagreed with her, that we had to agree to disagree and then asked why she cared and for that she hurled names at me. Not the other way around. So I told her I was allowed to disagree with her and had nothing to apologise for. More venom in return and that was it. Friendship over.

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