AIBU to be annoyed with friend... or more annoyed with myself perhaps

[bullseye2018]

Earlier this year I had a mental turnaround when I realised how much bullshit treatment I've taken on the chin my entire life and decided I wasn't prepared to put up with it anymore.

I'm encountering a lot of pushback from people in my life who are used to bullseye being the people pleaser so it's not been easy, but I'm doing my best to stop treading water and move forward with greater assertiveness. But my initial reaction to things is still one of the people pleaser so it's an endless battle against myself. When I realise what's happened later I get really angry. With the person but more with me for folding.

Which brings me to today's example. Due to meet a friend for an early lunch on the coast near where he is staying (of course). This is a significant drive for me, but I like the area so was happy to oblige. Only we've woken to terrible weather with forecasts of a severe thunderstorm storm coming through set to hit at meeting time. So I tell him this and suggest we meet somewhere inland where we won't be so exposed. To which he replies "Fag".

My immediate reaction is to reply back with "All right then, I'll meet you as planned." But I don't and instead wonder what the hell he means by that, so if anyone has any clues please fill me in.

I reply back with a "?". To which he replied he had planned his day around our lunch. I end the exchange with an agreement to meet as planned though now I've lost interest.

It's always the same. With this friend and with others. It's always on their terms, at a place more convenient to them, at the time they specify. In the past I have suggested we meet halfway, but they end up booking somewhere close to them anyway. I realise I've dug my own hole because I spent most of our friendship happy to oblige others not realising it was taken for granted, but I have a lot more on my plate now so isn't it fair enough that I can expect a bit of flexibility in others without the backlash?

Prepared to be told I am being unreasonable for suggesting we deviate from the plan, but I'm pretty pissed off with his replies.

Fag isn't homophobic. It's 40s/50s slang for Too Much Effort.

He can't be bothered to accommodate the OP.

I think the problem is that he said he'd planned his day around the lunch. But you read 'I'm resisting your request to change the lunch date and won't deviate'.
You replied to your assumptions not his actual statement. I'd assume the 'fag' was a typo because it makes no sense in the context
When he said he'd planned the day round your lunch, you had a few choices. Ask how the new venue fit with his plans. Suggest a different day to meet in the hopes of better weather. Or suddenly back down. You chose the last one but you didn't have to.
To be fair, changing plans at the last minute isn't really about people pleasing versus assertiveness.

@AmIThough

I agree - it was meant as a homophobic slur.

OP - I’m quite open with my language, however, I find this term offensive. He is saying you are weak - but the term is more aggressive.

I wouldn’t be friends with anyone who uses language like this.

These people, with whom you appear yo associate, appear to be aggressive twats.

You don’t owe anyone an apology.

If someone replied like that to me I would take it that they meant "That's a bit of a fag" as in "that's a bit of a pain/palaver/effort". It's quite a common thing to say in my area and I just wish that people wouldn't appropriate words and phrases in order to look for offence.
Yes, I think your friend was inconsiderate and lazy to not want to make your life easier. But I don't think there's anything to suggest he's hurling a homophobic insult at you! Apart from anything else, the context is wrong.

Those saying fag means wimp or pathetic in their area, do you not realise that's because those are derogatory connotations of being a gay man? Thus it's still homophobic to use the term fag.

OP. He sounds like a douche based on his response. But he might be unable to travel somewhere else and stick to his other arrangements for the day, but he should have said that, not "fag". In all fairness I doubt it's going to be dangerous for you to drive despite the weather, but if you think it is and he can't meet elsewhere then rearrange for another day. And next time make plans that are better for both parties rather than favouring one at the organisation time

My mum would use the word fag to mean something was too much effort. She would not have a clue about any other meanings, lol. But it’s too much effort for him, as others have said, why expect you to make the effort. Meet another time - or maybe don’t bother!

Wanting to keep an arrangement as planned? The fiend. Probably a satanist, best not go, block them and never go out again.

I've heard of 'faff' to mean too much effort.
Fag is either a homophobic slur or nickname for someone others get to act as their gofer or personal slave.

Just cancel OP. Reply with - 'Sorry, decided it's not what I want to do after all - maybe meet up another time - Cheers'

I'd read "fag" as too much effort, or an autocorrect for FGS. Wouldn't occur to me it was a homophobic slur, but then, I'm well over 40!

Ohh OP I feel your pain - i'm a very easygoing person - always have been!! But realised in the last few years it means people expect me to just do what they want and always for me to go to them!

I've gotten less agreeable and have actually lost a friend or 2 as a result!

I live in a different Country and while a lot of my good friends pop over to visit me on occasion there are a few that just moan at me for not coming back to visit them enough , get annoyed that I won't buy a flight to come back for their bday party that they gave me very little notice about etc but never ever bothered to visit me (There is an open invite there)!

I usually arrange a night out when I am in home town to catch up with friends - this nights not enough for some people - they demand a separate meet up just for them which isn't always possible - then I get told i'm being a crap friend because I prioritised seeing my Parents or something!

These "friends" never bother to make an effort to pop over to see me near where I am staying - expect me to travel by bus for over an hour to them and if I don't I'm a crap friend! One girl gave me a hard time because I visited my dying grandmother and chose to not see any see her, cancelled plans and decided to just be with family (she is no longer a friend)

It's so one sided - feels so liberating not being so agreeable anymore !! You'll prob shed a few bad mates and only keep the real friends!

Glad you've recognised that this is a recurring theme and you are no longer putting up with it!!

Look, you'd be totally justified in not going today because of the thunderstorms. When you tried to rearrange he pushed back. That means either that he thinks of you as a close enough friend that he can push back and you'll tell him fuck off if you're not happy and that will be fine, or he thinks of you as the sort of friend who will never argue with him. Either way, it is totally fine to text him back and say forget it, it's raining cats and dogs out there, I'm not coming. And if he doesn't like it he can get to fuck.

Just cancel. If he can't be asked to drive half the way to see you, he's not worth the bother.

i think you are being unfair, i totally get what you say about asserting yourself and i did somthing similar as a turnabout about ...best thing i ever did , though my social and family circles shrunk greatly but now i know exactly who i can depend on, anyway you made the plan, you agreed to it, if fact you said you were happy with it, and then you wanted to change the plan due to bad weather forcast , i think its reasonable for friend to say that last monute change of plans does not suit them ( and the assertive me of last few teyears would say this) as their day is planned around it, it was a good suggestion by you but if the situation was reversed you'd see it as them changing the plan to suit them as always...

as for his comment i'd ask him, ask what exactly he thought he was saying, would you have the sort of relationship your text one word insults like bitch etc ? im erring on the side of if this isnt normal, its a typo - but then i often press send before noticing the autocorrect. if it was a anmecall thsen its a slur and id get annoyed.

Whatever his lazy text meant, your bigger concern should prolly be finding a course on assertiveness, maybe also some therapy to find out what in your early life set you up for this people-pleasing thing?

It’d be nice if you could spend the rest of your life valuing yourself more, and making friends with people who like you for you, rather than the services you provide for them. Therapy and assertiveness will teach you how to sort the world into people who add to YOUR life, and those who won’t. All that energy you spend trying to make others happy, and downplay your own needs would be so much better spent on other things. You could change the world with that level of empathy and some smarts!

It’s unlikely your current batch of mates will react well to you starting to say ‘Hey, now I think of it, the last 14 catchups have been me coming across to you, how about you come to me this time?’. Chances are you’d be better off with new mates, to go with your new attitude (and skills). You’re not a victim, you’re just making a healthy change. It’s a very positive move and I think you’ll find it well worth the short-term effort. Good luck!

Please cancel OP.

Please.

You will be so proud of yourself.

At the VERY LEAST:

"Hi Twat. Just had another look at the weather app and definitely not interested in battling that! If you want to meet at X, that'd be great, otherwise, maybe next time?"

Calling you a fag sounds like a homophobic slur

Oh for goodness sake. He’s saying it’s a fag having to change his plans. Don’t go looking for slurs where there are none.

OP can you just phone him and ask him what he meant please because he's clearly calling you 'gay' and no that doesn't make him homophobic but it's still a homophobic slur.

If he was saying it's a fag to change plans, he would have said "that's a fag".
To just use one word means he's using it as a descriptor towards OP.

If he'd have responded 'fucker', you'd know he was calling OP a fucker. You wouldn't say 'oh he means it's a fucker to change plans' because it just doesn't make sense.

Why are people totally ignoring the fact that fag means too much effort?

I would just cancel OP. You just csn't be fagged going.

I'd say he using the term as being a wuss for the cancelling due to weather. It's a nasty homophobic term.

I'd cancel on him but just say, you don't want to go now as he was being rude and actually not appreciating you making the effort to see him.

No, it isn't homophobic!

If I'd been the OP I would have taken it to mean that it was too much effort. Old meaning. Similar to Gay meaning 'merry and bright' in the Olden Days.

Why are people totally ignoring the fact that fag means too much effort?

Because they don't know the original use or they aren't reading/prefer to ignore the posts pointing that out.

But if the OP actually asks him, we'll all know what he meant, won't we?

Oh for goodness sake. He’s saying it’s a fag having to change his plans. Don’t go looking for slurs where there are none.

Then he would say " that's too much effort" or " it's a fag" just the one word like that is clearly an insult

@Nanny0gg you're choosing to ignore my post showing why he's definitely using it as an insult.

We're not ignoring you. You're just wrong.

Don't understand fag but I'm totally with him. You made arrangements you say yourself you were happy with. How is he to know at this point that you are only happy with it if the weather is nice? You should have made that clear.

He has arranged his day around your plans, that's reasonable. You changing them must indeed be annoying if it now means that to accommodate your change of mind he has to also change his other plans.

I don't think it's a case of bring assertive, it's a case of being clear when you make plans that you could change your mind and clarifying what the triggers could be.

I've made plans with a friend tomorrow, and she herself suggested to meet in my town at 2pm. If she texts me now that she doesn't want to come because it might rain but can I make it half way her way I would have to say no as I am due to go to pick up my DD at 4pm and it would too short of time. I'd be annoyed with her changing her mind just because of the weather.

So I'm thinking it's an early lunch as he has plans for the rest of the day.

That's fine.

If it no longer suits you to drive all the way to him & he can't/won't meet partway, it's also fine to say that it no longer suits you & to cancel imo.

Fag to me would also mean that it's too much of an an effort/bore for him to change his plans.

Unless you know it to be an insult that he uses?