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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed with friend... or more annoyed with myself perhaps

105 replies

bullseye2018 · 04/10/2019 02:52

Earlier this year I had a mental turnaround when I realised how much bullshit treatment I've taken on the chin my entire life and decided I wasn't prepared to put up with it anymore.

I'm encountering a lot of pushback from people in my life who are used to bullseye being the people pleaser so it's not been easy, but I'm doing my best to stop treading water and move forward with greater assertiveness. But my initial reaction to things is still one of the people pleaser so it's an endless battle against myself. When I realise what's happened later I get really angry. With the person but more with me for folding.

Which brings me to today's example. Due to meet a friend for an early lunch on the coast near where he is staying (of course). This is a significant drive for me, but I like the area so was happy to oblige. Only we've woken to terrible weather with forecasts of a severe thunderstorm storm coming through set to hit at meeting time. So I tell him this and suggest we meet somewhere inland where we won't be so exposed. To which he replies "Fag".

My immediate reaction is to reply back with "All right then, I'll meet you as planned." But I don't and instead wonder what the hell he means by that, so if anyone has any clues please fill me in.

I reply back with a "?". To which he replied he had planned his day around our lunch. I end the exchange with an agreement to meet as planned though now I've lost interest.

It's always the same. With this friend and with others. It's always on their terms, at a place more convenient to them, at the time they specify. In the past I have suggested we meet halfway, but they end up booking somewhere close to them anyway. I realise I've dug my own hole because I spent most of our friendship happy to oblige others not realising it was taken for granted, but I have a lot more on my plate now so isn't it fair enough that I can expect a bit of flexibility in others without the backlash?

Prepared to be told I am being unreasonable for suggesting we deviate from the plan, but I'm pretty pissed off with his replies.

OP posts:
ImaginaryCat · 04/10/2019 06:47

From the other side, in this instance I can see why it would be annoying for him to change venue. His plans for the day are based around the existing location and time. Perhaps there's no spare time either side for travel.

I agree that at the point of making the arrangement it should have been somewhere mutually convenient. But that's the point you needed to stand up for your own rights.

Changing plans at short notice, however justifiable due to the weather, isn't a matter of fairness, it's actually creating an added inconvenience for him. And if he can't make a different venue then that's fair enough.

eddielizzard · 04/10/2019 06:49

I think he meant he can't be bothered. Which is a bit rich since you're making much more effort.

I'd cancel then, and say sorry, not driving to the coast today.

You will lose friends, but that leaves space to find good ones.

LovePoppy · 04/10/2019 06:59

Honestly, I think the time to speak up was when you made the arrangements. At this point you’d committed, so I’d be annoyed at day of changes too. I also plan my days out around activities. It’s just a thunder storm?

But his texts were odd, and he should have used his words.

Your other friend sounds like a chore.

Im also a people pleaser by nature, and I’ve found it really hard putting my own wishes first. Good luck.

Riojasmoothy · 04/10/2019 06:59

I've known Fag be used to mean a wimpy or weak person. Maybe a regional thing? I'd never use but it would make sense in this context that he is calling you a wimp for not wanting to drive in a storm.
He definitely doesn't sound worth driving through a light shower for though, let alone torrential rain and wind.
Good luck with putting your foot down with these people OP. You get one life though so why waste it getting walked all over?

pictish · 04/10/2019 07:01

Yes...a strange phenomenon I have encountered in general is that nice people get flamed much harder for being assertive/stating their views/getting angry/showing anything other than agreeable appeasement, than cunts do. Nice people are expected to stay in their box whereas outright cunts are given free reign because other people are more afraid of them than they are of the nice ones. This translates into a seemingly unjust negative overreaction towards nice people who stand their ground or question someone else’s opinion or treatment of them. In short, they can’t believe your ‘cheek’. Your role is to gaily go along with whatever they dish out, it’s not to value yourself and have an input! That’s their remit!

So yeah...you can do without those. Be choosy and do for those who similarly do for you. Leave everyone else to be happy acquaintances and nothing more.

Unknownanon · 04/10/2019 07:04

Cancel lunch. He's rude and homophobic. He's using that as an insult to suggest you are whimpy. My cousin used to use it until i told him what a dick he was being.

Would it be a loss to not have someone so rude, homophobic and dominating in your life.

Upon thinking i won't be meeting you today. I find you rude for not only dismissing my concerns but also insisting we meet everywhere convenient for you all the time. Friendship should be 50/50. And i don't like your attitude and people who use homophobic slurs. I wish you a good life.

pictish · 04/10/2019 07:04

P.s That post was in response to the general thread. In this particular case I think he was just asserting that you are a wimp...I’m not sure if it’s an outright case of cuntery on his part.

Note it...and next time try to similarly make arrangements on your terms. See how that goes.

AmIThough · 04/10/2019 07:25

I think by the used of the word 'fag' he's calling you 'gay' - meaning that you're a sissy for not braving the weather.

How old is he OP?

If he's anything under 40 he's not using the word 'fagged'.

MRex · 04/10/2019 07:29

I'd assume he means "that's too much hassle", it's not commonly used like that much any more but is an established phrase and that fits.

There's a difference between him not having travel time to change plans, which he would have said, and not being arsed. Given that he can't be arsed to see you it might be best that you don't bother to see him either.

croprotationinthe13thcentury · 04/10/2019 07:31

Bin him off. Life’s too short to keet people who clearly dont have much respect for you.

Weezol · 04/10/2019 07:34

I think by the used of the word 'fag' he's calling you 'gay' - meaning that you're a sissy for not braving the weather.

That's my reading of it too.

cherrytree63 · 04/10/2019 07:35

Do you think his phone auto-corrected FFS or FGS to FAG?

ZenNudist · 04/10/2019 07:35

He most likely means he cant be arsed. Its too much trouble. Its all very well being assertive but its not nice to change plans last minute. If he's on holiday or away from home and has plans then not fair to now say lets move location of meeting.

HelloYouTwo · 04/10/2019 07:36

What’s really rude here is his reply. Did he really just write a one word response??

Regardless of the meaning (I took as “can’t be fagged”) that reeks of an attitude of him doing what he wants and never mind you.

Having said that, changing plans at the last moment is a faff. If the weather is that bad and he won’t budge, just cancel and do something nice for yourself in the time you’ve saved.

Tonnerre · 04/10/2019 07:36

I suspect Fag may be autocorrect for FGS.

TheAlternativeTentacle · 04/10/2019 07:39

Whatever he means, what he means is that you are too much trouble to go to for a catch up and either you do all the work or forget it.

Vulpine · 04/10/2019 07:39

Theres only one person who knows what he meant and thats him !

ChorleyFMcominginyourears · 04/10/2019 07:43

Where I'm from fag can also mean pathetic so I took as he thought you were being pathetic about the weather.
Stick to your guns though, I was a chronic people pleaser and now im not....I dont have a single friend now which just goes to show what happened when I started asserting myself but at the same time at least i dont have to keep completely inconveniencing myself to make others happy!

ScreamingValenta · 04/10/2019 07:44

My guess is auto-correct, but if not, 'fag' in the sense of 'that will be too much of a fag for me' is the only interpretation that really makes sense.

In any case, the one word reply is rude, and he's being totally selfish - as you are driving to him, even the revised arrangement you proposed will be a huge 'fag' for you, OP.

fedup21 · 04/10/2019 07:45

Does he want you to drive all the way over to him so that he could have a drink and was stropping about having to drive so he couldn’t?

OMGshefoundmeout · 04/10/2019 07:51

I agree that ‘fag’,in this context is more likely to mean it’s too much like hard work/can’t be arsed’ . Which is honest and fair enough.

But this can work both ways, you can say ‘ the weathers so awful I can’t face the drive, let’s make make plans for another day. I’m sorry to disrupt your plans’. Your preferences are just as important as his.

Juells · 04/10/2019 08:08

Changing plans at short notice, however justifiable due to the weather, isn't a matter of fairness, it's actually creating an added inconvenience for him. And if he can't make a different venue then that's fair enough.

You should embrace your inner cat ImaginaryCat
Would a cat drive through a storm so as not to inconvenience someone who doesn't mind about inconveniencing them?

Nobody gets thanked for being the one who suits everyone else.

AmIThough · 04/10/2019 08:15

@Juells 'embrace your inner cat' is my favourite thing I've ever seen you post Grin

NotSorry · 04/10/2019 08:20

re: your initial reason for the post which is that you're trying to stop being a people pleaser. I decided a few years ago to stop saying yes to things I didn't want to do. I realised that it took at least a year before I was making inroads into changing my people pleasing ways. I'm still working on it now.

My point is, this may take longer than you think to make changes. Good luck OP, your friend sounds like a dick.

TipToeToothFairy · 04/10/2019 08:20

Love the idea of embracing your inner cat!

I'm definitely more cat like than dog like 😀

I think it's rude how he said it to you but has he made other plans that won't work if he has to come to you? For example today I'm meeting 2 friends. One at 9.30 and one at 12.30. If either changed the plans the last minute I'd have to chose who to see as I wouldn't be able to as I've worked my day around the lunch meeting. If that's the case maybe he is still "wheat" but it's hard for him to change the plans (although as I said he could have gone about it a much better way)