AIBU or is this financial / emotional abuse?

[LizzyDarcy1]

Had an argument with DH, started about something silly and he got annoyed and chucked some things on the floor. I said he needed to tidy it up and it was getting ridiculous so I was going to bed. Went off upstairs.

Half an hour later he came up and said that he was going to take control of his own things and do what he likes from now on, including not putting any money in the joint account, but that our financial responsibilities will all be sorted. Absolutely refuses to tell me how they will be sorted and says he'll deal with it because he wants to.

For info, our household bills including food all come from our joint account, which we both put money into each month. I earn a bit more than him so I pay a bit more. His salary alone would not cover everything. We have two young DCs.

AIBU to think that this is abusive behaviour? I told him it was but he won't accept it. He says it's just him taking control of his life and doing what he wants. I pointed out that we have joint responsibilities and liabilities and I have a right to know what's going on. He doesn't seem to think this is an issue and said that maybe he'd tell me "if I start listening to him". I said that he has to consult me before he does anything like that and he said "make me", but how could I?

The original argument was not about finances (and as above, I pay for more than he does anyway, which I'm totally fine with at it's relevant to earnings).

Additionally, he does not care that he has left the lounge in a huge mess including broken china on the floor and has gone to bed. I've got up to sort it out because he refused to and I don't want our children coming down and hurting their feet in the morning :(

Obviously the broken China is bad as he's putting the kids at risk however the rest I'd put down to high emotions for the moment and see what happens Re bank account etx.

Yes he sounded serious but we will see in the morning I suppose...

I don’t think threatening to change a financial arrangement is financial or emotional abuse.

I’m gobsmacked that PPs are minimising his behaviour!
He has smashed up household items, thrown broken china on the floor for his children to risk cutting their feet on, and is threatening to keep his money to himself. In what universe is this NOT abusive?!
OP, you need a serious talk with him when he’s calmed down. He needs to be told his behaviour is utterly unacceptable for a civilised adult, and he needs to apologise. If he won’t, then I’m afraid you’re married to an abusive manchild.

No one is saying his behaviour is OK. It isn't either OK or abuse.
He THREATENED to not put money into the shared account but to make sure the bills were covered. Not OK but not financial abuse to threaten something once in an argument. If he says this every time OP upsets him that's different.
It isn't OK to throw things on the floor and break ornaments and esp to then not clean it up. But I wouldn't consider one episode of temper where there was no violence towards OP as abuse. Again if this is a pattern of behaviour, or he'd hurt or tried to hurt OP it would be difference.

I wouldn't LTB if this was a one of situation that could be resolved.

Thanks everyone. I've gone to work today and we haven't spoken other than as necessary e.g. who is making breakfast for the children.

On reflection when he said it, it was very upsetting but probably not abuse unless he actually does it. We'll see. He hasn't done anything like that before.

He does have a history of breaking things when we argue though... he uses it as a threat as he knows I don't like the mess or things being damaged. E.g. "are you going to listen [agree with me] or do you want me to carry on / break this thing too?"

you’re married to an abusive manchild

It kind of bugs me how much the term abusive is bandied around on this site sometimes. To me it does no favours to those of us in genuinely abusive relationships.
This OP is just in a relationship with someone who behaved like a prick during an argument and no doubt after reading Mumsnet so much assumed that this amounted to abusive behaviour.

It could be that this is abusive as sometimes the devil is in the detail that isn't disclosed. But it seems highly unlikely. He is not looking to control finances and leave OP short, OP is the higher earner. It may even be that he is protecting himself and making sure that he has the financial ability to leave, something that 'Mumsnet' advocates for Women wanting to leave a relationship. He is also stating that he will continue to pay his share of bills but hasn't disclosed yet how this will work, I doubt he thought that far ahead.

OP, he was a total dick, smashing the china in an argument is pretty aggressive and really would be a red line for many. Then leaving it because he knows full well you'll clean it up is manipulative and childish but when tempers go, we sometimes do things to keep a bit of control that we shouldn't but he took this too far.

I hope that he is contrite this morning and realises that sometimes we need to walk away from an argument if we feel that it is getting out of hand. If not then when he does calm down I guess you need a serious talk about boundaries and acceptable behaviour.

I don't feel your husband is financially abusive.However, he seems very emotionally abusive and controlling though. He uses threats and actions (breaking things) to control.
How can you live like this? Your children will emulate this behaviour.

The throwing and breaking stuff is awful.

But, its his own money. If he doesnt want to contribute anymore he doesnt have to. Its an awful, selfish thing to do however because its his own wage hes well within his rights to do that.

Hes also said that bills will be settled.

For what its worth, it seems to have all been said in the heat of the moment so id be suprised if he actually went through with it

He’s fucking abusive.
Smashing things to control you.
LTB.

I could not stay married to someone who deliberately broke things in an argument to upset me or threatened to withhold money from the family pot. Regardless of whether it "counts as abuse", it is the behaviour of a pure unadulterated dickhead and I would not want my children growing up in that family dynamic.

Is there something of HIS you can break? Computer, motorbike, face?

But, its his own money. If he doesnt want to contribute anymore he doesnt have to.

Yes he does. We have joint financial liabilities including a mortgage and two children to support. Neither of us can just choose to stop contributing!

It sounds like he lost his shit and hasn’t thought this through. I’d wait and see if he actually carries out his promise to be the finance minister of your domestic affairs. I’d love this tbh, I organise it all, it’s not exactly difficult.

Oh and I think he acted like a bully, purposely breaking things and not clearing it up would be something I could only tolerate a few times before he wouldn’t need to pay the bills anymore. Child maintenance would suffice. Is he usually an angry prick ?

@LizzyDarcy1 you said in your OP that he said bills will be settled. What I meant was that he doesnt have to contribute to the joint account if he doesnt want too. How he chooses to settle his monthly payments isnt up to you.

Dont get me wrong, his behaviour is unexcusable and he's acted so badly.

If he starts not paying up against his financial responsibilies then thats a different matter. You just cant control HOW he does this.

He is the bully and the king of the castle.

He's not usually like this. We don't argue a lot but when we do he tends to flip quite easily like he did last night. He also likes to require yes / no answers and talk over me if I want to elaborate or go into anything else. I'm not having that crap so I generally end up walking off and we sort it out the next day.

But, its his own money. If he doesnt want to contribute anymore he doesnt have to.

It's a threatening power play to make the OP fall in line. "Don't argue with me or I'll take my money away and then you'll be on edge wondering if the bills will be covered or not." At the absolute least it's a nasty, immature loss of emotional control during an argument which potentially shows up his true thoughts about what should be family finances; at worst it is abusive because it's coercing the OP to be a good little wifey or face unpleasant consequences.

He does have a history of breaking things when we argue though... he uses it as a threat as he knows I don't like the mess or things being damaged. E.g. "are you going to listen [agree with me] or do you want me to carry on / break this thing too?"

This is absolutely not on and is a form of abuse. Or attempted abuse as it sounds like you don't put up with it up to a point. But threatening to break your stuff, then breaking it and leaving it to be cleaned up is not okay. The very odd throwing of something and breaking it during an argument is almost understandable in a heat of the moment kind of way, but this is pre-meditated. Whether it's abuse or not, it is behaviour that is completely unacceptable.

The finances thing is different and frankly, makes no sense. From what you say, it sounds like you both have your own money anyway and the joint is only for joint expenses? So it's not clear how he plans to meet his share of those expenses. If it was JUST this, I'd say you should sit down and discuss with him what's going on and why he's feeling so out of control. But the throwing things and leaving a mess that could physically endanger your DC is a deal breaker to me. It' shard to see that there's anything he's feeling that justifies that behaviour.

As you earn more why don’t you just cancel your direct debit, empty the account, and tell him to piss off? That’s what I would do in that situation if my DH ever spoke like that to me.

@10:20OnlyTheTitOfTheIceberg that's exactly what upset me about it.

He has no right to make financial decisions like that on his own. I wouldn't know whether or how the bills were being paid... surely nobody thinks that is OK?

The thing is though, a happy relationship isn't supposed to be this tug of war power play.

You don't have to participate, op.

E.g. "are you going to listen [agree with me] or do you want me to carry on / break this thing too?"

Re-read this.
This is NOT NORMAL and it is abusive.i bet he doesn’t smash up his stuff - just yours and just the stuff he knows you like.

I’d tell him to do whatever the fuck he likes with his salary but from now you both pay 50/50 (not 60/40 or whatever) for everything and I’d be saving cash to get the fuck away from him....

Yeah you'd have to take him at his word, and he doesnt sound trustworthy tbh.

FWIW, I do agree his behaviour is controlling and you dont have to put up with it.