OP - We saw that your thread needed some support because it’s absolutely brimming with abuse apologists.
We’re Women Against Abuse Apologists, or WAAA, which is also the noise of confusion we make reading some of these completely disgusting comments. We’ll be annotating some important points so OP, or any other women who need support on this thread, can see these chestnuts of anti-wisdom for the shit they are.
I'd put [it] down to high emotions for the moment and see what happens.
If your DH or DP breaks things during arguments, threatens you with financial abuse (and just the threat, holding that stress over you, is a form of emotional abuse), let’s not just call it “high emotions.” High emotions is if he gets upset about Christmas plans and calls your mother a twat under his breath. It’s not breaking your possessions in anger. Ffs. Even small children know this is wrong.
But I wouldn't consider one episode of temper where there was no violence towards OP as abuse.
You know, we’ve always hated this one. There are plenty of people who believe it’s not abuse without violence, or it’s not abuse without a pattern, and this combines the worst of both. The first time a partner breaks your possessions, screams in your face, threatens you, exhibits any feature of coercive control, it’s an instance of abuse and you do not owe it to ANYONE to stay around to prove that he’ll do it again.
but when tempers go, we sometimes do things to keep a bit of control that we shouldn't but he took this too far.
No, we really don’t. If someone thinks “but he took this too far,” somehow salvages the rest of this statement, that would be a negative. The comment also included the idea that OP just assumed this was abusive behavior because she reads too much Mumsnet. A vast majority of us have never “done things to keep a bit of control” like broken another individual’s possessions to try to keep control over them in an argument. Why? Well, because we’re not abusive. We assumed everyone knew this by now, but apologists always have to be reminded: it can still be abuse even when no one gets hit. It’s still abuse even if there isn’t a body count, and in fact, the way you keep yourself safe from physical abuse is by leaving before it reaches that point. And you know when to leave by watching when you’re dealing with a violent person who can’t control their temper... You are not obligated to stay until it becomes physical.
Does he resort to this out of frustration because it’s the only way to get you to listen?
Ah yes, good call. And some people believe it’s okay to hit others to get themselves heard. Honestly, this must be a sick joke. To be clear, no, it is not okay to throw things, break things, and threaten to financially abuse someone because you feel frustrated. Which he may not even have been. We assumed everyone still learned kindness in nursery, but apparently a refresher is a good idea. A LOT of abuse uses these old shit adages: “It’s the only way I could get her to listen.” “It’s the only way I could get her to be quiet.” It feels beyond gross reading it here.
My marriage is great that's never said smashing stuff was ok just things can get out of control fast and it really sound like the op is the cause of his anger.
We’re not even sure what to say to the user who made this comment, and all her other apologist comments. They’re by far the worst in the thread, blaming OP for angering her husband, telling her that she’s basically getting what she deserves. Where have we heard that before? Ah yes, out of the mouth of abusers. And even if someone says their marriage is great, we will always pity someone who spent enough time around an abuser at some point to learn perfectly how to mimic one. They can blame the OP in their comments all they want; it doesn’t make it reality. And OP, it’s not your fault.
OP - This was an incident of abuse. Maybe it never happens again, but that’s unlikely as you say it already happened in the past. You don’t have to let him threaten you, coerce you, break your things, or emotionally manipulate you into stressing about finances. You are allowed to leave, even after just one “incident,” if that’s what you want. It does sound, based on him suddenly announcing this about finances, as if he is escalating. He’s broken things in the past, but now there’s this financial attempt at control. If that doesn’t control you, I would be concerned about what he thinks is acceptable to attempt next.
If you are facing non-physical but more insidious abuse, please read about coercive control and how to escape it here: www.healthtalk.org/peoples-experiences/domestic-violence-abuse/womens-experiences-domestic-violence-and-abuse/coercive-controlling-behaviour
If you are being abused in any way and need to get out, please contact Women’s Aid here: 0808 2000 247, email [email protected], or visit www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/ .
PM to share a thread with us and clean up the abuse apologists on Mumsnet.