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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is this financial / emotional abuse?

124 replies

LizzyDarcy1 · 03/10/2019 23:43

Had an argument with DH, started about something silly and he got annoyed and chucked some things on the floor. I said he needed to tidy it up and it was getting ridiculous so I was going to bed. Went off upstairs.

Half an hour later he came up and said that he was going to take control of his own things and do what he likes from now on, including not putting any money in the joint account, but that our financial responsibilities will all be sorted. Absolutely refuses to tell me how they will be sorted and says he'll deal with it because he wants to.

For info, our household bills including food all come from our joint account, which we both put money into each month. I earn a bit more than him so I pay a bit more. His salary alone would not cover everything. We have two young DCs.

AIBU to think that this is abusive behaviour? I told him it was but he won't accept it. He says it's just him taking control of his life and doing what he wants. I pointed out that we have joint responsibilities and liabilities and I have a right to know what's going on. He doesn't seem to think this is an issue and said that maybe he'd tell me "if I start listening to him". I said that he has to consult me before he does anything like that and he said "make me", but how could I?

The original argument was not about finances (and as above, I pay for more than he does anyway, which I'm totally fine with at it's relevant to earnings).

Additionally, he does not care that he has left the lounge in a huge mess including broken china on the floor and has gone to bed. I've got up to sort it out because he refused to and I don't want our children coming down and hurting their feet in the morning :(

OP posts:
HairyDogsOfThigh · 04/10/2019 10:38

I can't believe people are excusing his behaviour.
He smashes thing up during an argument, (or threatens to, if op doesn't back down).
He refuses to clear up the china that he broke, thus risking the children hurting themselves.
He threatens to leave op in a vulnerable state around finances, not knowing how/if/what bills are being paid.
OP, as far as i can see, he IS abusive and i would be taking steps to leave him.
It's not ok for him to behave like this to keep you in line.

NoSquirrels · 04/10/2019 10:39

Your relationship sounds not good.

He sounds petty and petulant and as if he has anger issues - grown up reasonable adults don’t deliberately break stuff to make a point or manipulate their partners.

Start there, not with the money.

Frankly I’d tell him fine, you do that. Let’s start divorce proceedings then.

Bellringer · 04/10/2019 10:48

He's intimidating you, unreasonable behaviour and coercive. Good you are not cowed by it but it's not acceptable, your kids will copy this.
He needs a serious talking to, maybe counselling, couple therapy or anger management if he is amenable. Other wise get your ducks in a row and leave/throw him out. Women's aid, legal advice, put mortgage on interest only if you have to. Be strong.

ReanimatedSGB · 04/10/2019 10:52

He is abusive. He breaks things delilberately to punish you and threatens to withold money. I think you need to gather information and make plans to end this relationship and put him out of the house. You may need to have someone with you when you tell him to get out and you may need to involve the police, because he's already quite comfortable with using physical aggression (breaking your belongings) and men like that always move on to physical assault. If he hasn't started already, that is. Does he push you, 'accidentally' stand on your feet or eg open doors so vigorously that they bang into you?

Original poster
LizzyDarcy1 · 04/10/2019 10:55

Hopefully we can talk later in a civil manner and I will explain to him how his behaviour is controlling etc.

If this was frequent then yes I would LTB for sure, but it's not and I'm not going to leave him over this without trying to sort it out.

It probably would be wise to stash some money away if I can though I suppose. It'd feel wrong to make him pay half of everything though, as I'd be left with considerably more spending (or saving) money than him.

OP posts:
woodhill · 04/10/2019 10:56

My dh does this threat from time to time especially when I was a SAHM band he took the credit card I think.

Original poster
LizzyDarcy1 · 04/10/2019 11:21

He doesn't do "accidental" physical violence or anything like that, and I don't think he would.

OP posts:
katmarie · 04/10/2019 11:26

Out of curiosity who's stuff is he mashing, yours or his? I wouldn't be prepared to live with this behaviour, and it's not exactly teaching the children normal healthy relationships. Lots of people recommend the lundy Bancroft book on here, I think it's called why does he do that. It's worth a read, I think you might find it illuminating.

meccacos2 · 04/10/2019 11:29

If he refuses to contribute financially wouldn’t that mean you sell the house and split up?

He’s already paying less than you - now he’s proposing to pay even less now?

He is abusive if he breaks things in anger and refuses to clean them up.

Original poster
LizzyDarcy1 · 04/10/2019 11:31

Fortunately we have always managed to restrict any major arguments to when the children are in bed so they don't witness it.

The things he was chucking around yesterday were just general bits and pieces on a shelf at hand, some mine, some his and some the children's. It's not always my stuff particularly, it depends what's at hand.

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 04/10/2019 11:32

Definitely start saving. And, I suggest you both put a percentage of your incomes into the joint account to cover mortgage, bills, car, kids, etc and keep the rest in separate accounts.

Passthecherrycoke · 04/10/2019 11:33

This might be the start of the end of the relationship and let’s be honest few marriages end without arguments and things said to hurt the other party. It doesn’t make him abusive on its own

Lifeisabeach09 · 04/10/2019 11:34

Btw, don't underestimate what kids see, hear and sense. They are very perceptive.

timeisnotaline · 04/10/2019 11:46

What bills would your portion cover op? I’d be tempted to cancel my joint input and say I’ll oay x y and z, let me know if you’re not paying for... everything inessential and that he cares about, and a share of the mortgage as I’m assuming that you can’t cover all essentials on your own and the mortgage is a big one to tell everyone you know dp won’t pay towards it anymore so you’re flat broke. Basically I wouldn’t be surprised if he says it again and I’d never want to be caught out by it again. But the breaking things would have ended our relationship after the 2nd or 3rd time anyway.

Original poster
LizzyDarcy1 · 04/10/2019 11:51

@Lifeisabeach09 we already do that. We both have savings and our wages go into our personal current accounts.

We have literally never had a problem agreeing on finances, major financial decisions, sharing costs etc. That's partly why what he said is so shocking, as it came out of the blue. I think he probably said it because he wants some form of control and / or to upset me.

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 04/10/2019 12:09

"are you going to listen [agree with me] or do you want me to carry on / break this thing too?"

This certainly could be controlling and abusive to get his own way

or

Does he resort to this out of frustration because it is the only way to get you to listen? You think the argument was over something silly. Did he, or was it just another thing you determine as silly but he feels not listened to about?

Who makes the majority of decisions op? We don't know enough of your relationship dynamics to actually say where the pendulum swings.

ChuckleBuckles · 04/10/2019 12:15

He doesn't do "accidental" physical violence or anything like that

No just a bit of deliberate intimidation by smashing up family items, including things that belong to his children, to get you back into line. That is abuse, it is emotional abuse and stops just short of physically harming you because then he can hold his hands up and claim he never laid a finger on you, he can say he never hit you (just terrified you).

You know what, take him at his word, he is going to do what he likes so you should only pay in what he pays in, no more putting a bit extra in because you earn more. Then you stash that bit extra away as your rainy day fund OP, because with his behaviour it is only a matter of time before it starts pouring down.

Mrschainsawuk · 04/10/2019 12:21

To be quite honest he said he would pay the bills and it sound like you try and mirco manage him did any of you think the op is abusing her husband as she should have backed off any argument and listened to him this relationship sounds completely one sided and what op says goes so yeah he will get mad and I think he should hold some of his money back because if you make him angry you are the problem and causing it

ChuckleBuckles · 04/10/2019 12:25

Exactly right Mrschain, if only women would stop doing things like having opinions and not provoke men to anger everything would be better and no women anywhere would ever be abused again. Women please stop launching your faces in the direction of men's fists, it is hurting the menz.

Original poster
LizzyDarcy1 · 04/10/2019 12:26

I could just about cover all the bills including mortgage and food on my own, but it would leave no money for anything on top.

If he really wants to push messing around with finances like this I'll be leaving him anyway.

We were trying to sort out some general admin stuff and he got annoyed because he couldn't find some paperwork and he blamed me because I'd tidied some stuff up and it was apparently hard to find it or get to it. Then I got annoyed because he was throwing things about (not just to get what he needed) and he flipped and said if I want to cause more mess then that's fine, and proceeded to throw stuff around. It escalated from there.

We make all our major decisions together. I make more everyday decisions for the children etc. but that's mostly because he's happy to leave the majority of the family admin to me and doesn't even consider certain things that need doing.

OP posts:
Original poster
LizzyDarcy1 · 04/10/2019 12:27

@mrschainsawuk are you for real?

OP posts:
itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 04/10/2019 12:33

It all very much sounds like heat of the moment stuff? Has he cooled down today?

I don't see it as abusive or financially abusive just an argument that's got out of hand? Abuse suggest a pattern of behaviour and from what you've said so far this sounds like an isolated incident?

Obviously you can't force him to put money in a joint account especially if he has said that he will sort his share of the bills himself but if he does want to do that then he needs to explain how that is going to work so as not to expose you financially

jennymanara · 04/10/2019 12:34

Yes this is abusive. But you know that OP.
Your children probably will have heard him break things when they are in bed, and it will be frightening for them.

jennymanara · 04/10/2019 12:35

By the way OP I have sadly noticed on threads like yours some comments totally minimising and denying obvious abuse. These posters, unless a woman is being physically beaten up, always say it is nothing.

Mrschainsawuk · 04/10/2019 12:36

Yes I am for really one you could have helped him look and 2 even I hate it when ppl move my stuff when I knew where it was you also could have left I'm to it to find instead of complaining about the mess that technical you created because you moved his stuff also I was not on about physical abuse op never said he hit her he but everyone always blames a man always arguments are easy to not start and can get out of control fast

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