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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is this financial / emotional abuse?

124 replies

LizzyDarcy1 · 03/10/2019 23:43

Had an argument with DH, started about something silly and he got annoyed and chucked some things on the floor. I said he needed to tidy it up and it was getting ridiculous so I was going to bed. Went off upstairs.

Half an hour later he came up and said that he was going to take control of his own things and do what he likes from now on, including not putting any money in the joint account, but that our financial responsibilities will all be sorted. Absolutely refuses to tell me how they will be sorted and says he'll deal with it because he wants to.

For info, our household bills including food all come from our joint account, which we both put money into each month. I earn a bit more than him so I pay a bit more. His salary alone would not cover everything. We have two young DCs.

AIBU to think that this is abusive behaviour? I told him it was but he won't accept it. He says it's just him taking control of his life and doing what he wants. I pointed out that we have joint responsibilities and liabilities and I have a right to know what's going on. He doesn't seem to think this is an issue and said that maybe he'd tell me "if I start listening to him". I said that he has to consult me before he does anything like that and he said "make me", but how could I?

The original argument was not about finances (and as above, I pay for more than he does anyway, which I'm totally fine with at it's relevant to earnings).

Additionally, he does not care that he has left the lounge in a huge mess including broken china on the floor and has gone to bed. I've got up to sort it out because he refused to and I don't want our children coming down and hurting their feet in the morning :(

OP posts:
jennymanara · 04/10/2019 12:37

@itwasalovelydream There is clearly a pattern of behaviour of him breaking things to control the OPs behaviour.

jennymanara · 04/10/2019 12:40

@mrschain I am genuinely sorry that you think a partner smashing up belongings is fine and understandable. And threatening to withhold money. It is not okay. If you ever want to talk about your relationship, we are always ready to listen.

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 04/10/2019 12:45

@jennymanara
Where has OP stated that he has thrown things before??

Everyone argues. Doesn't mean that he is abusive because he could argue if she screams and shouts in his face then OP is just as abusive as he is

itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted · 04/10/2019 12:46

He's not threatening to withhold money he's saying he ll sort his share of the finances out himself which is different

Preggosaurus9 · 04/10/2019 12:52

It is never acceptable to smash or throw things during an argument. Gobsmacked pp think normal or ok. It's normal for a toddler and even then is not ok!

This relationship sounds really dysfunctional OP and you sound very resigned to it. Ground down over the years to think any of this is normal or acceptable.

CalishataFolkart · 04/10/2019 12:56

@itwasalovelydreamwhileitlasted

Where has OP stated that he has thrown things before??

In her third post.

“He does have a history of breaking things when we argue though... he uses it as a threat as he knows I don't like the mess or things being damaged. E.g. "are you going to listen [agree with me] or do you want me to carry on / break this thing too?"”

Mrschainsawuk · 04/10/2019 13:01

My marriage is great that's never said smashing stuff was ok just things can get out of control fast and it really sound like the op is the cause of his anger

LakieLady · 04/10/2019 13:02

This reply has been deleted

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LakieLady · 04/10/2019 13:05

He has no right to make financial decisions like that on his own. I wouldn't know whether or how the bills were being paid... surely nobody thinks that is OK?

No, it's not ok. It's not ok to unilaterally change an arrangement, either.

jennymanara · 04/10/2019 13:14

@mrschain - So in your marriage, do you simply avoid saying anything that might anger your husband?

Vanhi · 04/10/2019 13:18

He does have a history of breaking things when we argue though... he uses it as a threat as he knows I don't like the mess or things being damaged. E.g. "are you going to listen [agree with me] or do you want me to carry on / break this thing too?"

This, as a habit, would bother me more than whatever he's up to with his money, although I wouldn't be happy about that either. He's putting the blame for his behaviour on you OP rather than taking responsibility for himself. It's not that far removed from "look what you made me do" after hitting someone. Call it what you like but I'd hate it and find it difficult to trust and respect someone who acted like that. I would also be concerned that it could escalate.

It doesn't sound like a happy relationship OP. I suspect he is threatened by you, especially as you earn more than he does. If this is more than a one-off argument I would have serious concerns about the relationship.

Original poster
LizzyDarcy1 · 04/10/2019 13:18

We will talk this evening once the children are asleep and go from there. Hopefully he will realise that what he did was wrong. We haven't spoken all day as at work.

@mrschainsawuk I don't care if he was angry because of me, it doesn't excuse any poor behaviour. I don't think your marriage can be great really from what you've said.

OP posts:
Mrschainsawuk · 04/10/2019 13:25

Fucking hell my marriage is fine I grew up in a abusive house I was attacked daily and my over things so nothing to do with my marriage yes he should not have smashed things but it sounds like you really don't listen to him or anyonr else who does not see it as you want it to been seen in would love his side if the story

MinTheMinx · 04/10/2019 13:31

Your husband smashes things to get his own way OP? Please tell me your children don't get to witness these toddler tantrums?? I'd seriously consider if this is the right environment to bring up kids, especially as this doesn't sound like a one-off.

messolini9 · 04/10/2019 13:42

I think he should hold some of his money back because if you make him angry you are the problem and causing it

Thanks for the excellent advice @Mrschainsawuk, I had forgotten that women need to keep their opinions to themselves & appease men at all times, or else they are responsible for mens' unreasonable behaviour & aggression.
Don't forget Original Sin, that's all our fault too.

ChilledBee · 04/10/2019 13:45

I don't get the issue if the bills get paid. Wait a month and see if they do. If they don't,then worry. Right now in terms of money, you're borrowing problems.

Aprillygirl · 04/10/2019 13:46

I would take what he said about finances with a pinch of salt, but his smashing off the cups and then going off leaving you to clear up his mess is not fucking on! Does he often chuck things about during arguments OP? Because I would say that particular behaviour is what I'd be the most worried about as it can be designed to scare you and so be verging on abusive.

messolini9 · 04/10/2019 13:46

it really sound like the op is the cause of his anger

@Mrschainsawuk Don't be daft, he is entrely responsible for his own anger. Also how he chooses to express it. A reasonable, functional adult does not express their anger by throwing things & making idiotic declarations/threats about joint bills.

Mrschainsawuk · 04/10/2019 13:50

He did not threatened anything and don't forget op was also shouting at him that's abuse too he said bills will be paid

jennymanara · 04/10/2019 13:54

@Mrschain It must have been hard growing up in an abusive home. It sounds because of that experience that you don't recognise other forms of abuse. You might benefit from the freedom programme which teaches about abuse and the many forms it takes.

butteryellow · 04/10/2019 13:56

DP and I rarely argue, but if he started smashing things when we did (over a discussion about paperwork for goodness sake), or threatening to smash more things/make more mess if I didn't do whatever it was he wanted I wouldn't be taking it.

OP is already being very accommodating - presumably because she's used to him and knows what's normal for him. The idea that OP is at fault for a man choosing to smash not only his property, but that of his partner and children, and then leave smashed items on the floor where his kids could hurt themselves is insane.

Butchyrestingface · 04/10/2019 14:11

are you going to listen [agree with me] or do you want me to carry on / break this thing too?"

Does he pay to replace the items he breaks from his own money?

Original poster
LizzyDarcy1 · 04/10/2019 14:11

I didn't shout at him and I haven't said I did. @mrschainsawuk I really am worried about your opinion that women shouldn't make men angry etc.

I wouldn't just wait around and see if the bills are paid. If he really does start shifting the finances about without consulting me then we will be getting a divorce. I can't believe anyone would put up with that sort of behaviour from their partner?

OP posts:
Original poster
LizzyDarcy1 · 04/10/2019 14:15

I don't think he will replace what he broke yesterday. It wasn't valuable, essential or sentimental so I'm not too bothered about it. If it was then I would expect him to pay to replace it.

He broke some furniture once during an argument. It was still usable but cosmetically damaged. He never attempted to fix it and that still annoys me years later.

OP posts:
blackcat86 · 04/10/2019 14:22

If DH stopped contributing to the home and DC he wouldn't be living here. I have no interest in cocklodgers or men that dont support their children. Vague 'I'll sort it' statements wouldn't fit well with me. Presumably most bills are on a DD or whatever from the joint account.