Dh & MIL Christmas gift

[AreThereAnyUsernamesNotTaken]

DH came home from visiting his DM at the weekend and told me MIL has ordered a present for our young DC’s for Christmas. She showed DH what it is before clicking buy.

It’s basically a massive table that you lay out train tracks and buildings on - looks lovely, the DC’s will enjoy it, however, the space in our flat is MASSIVELY limited.
We’re already over run with the toys that we have (and we don't exactly have a lot in comparison to most families) and the purchase of this table means I’m now going to have to throw out a toy box that we currently have in our front room just to make space for this table as there’s literally nowhere else we can put it. As a result of getting rid of the toy box, I’m going to have to go through so many toys and either throw them away, or give them to charity shops. I recently bought DC’s a couple of toy ‘houses’ - think batman cave play sets etc, which I now have NO IDEA where I’m going to put, as again, the table will have to be put where all their current stuff is.

I’ve literally utilised every single area of our front room (there’s no space whatsoever in DC’s room for toys), we have a book case with fabric storage bags (one for cars, one for action figures, one for blocks etc etc), under our tv unit houses some toys too, and of course, the toy box held the bulkier things like toy guitars and wooden pirate ships.

AIBU to be annoyed at DH for agreeing to something that he knows we simply don’t have the space for, and also at MiL who is well aware that something of that size just isn’t appropriate for how small our home is?

I’m now in the awkward position of either having to tell MIL to cancel the order, or throwing away so many of my DC’s things just to make space for this poxy table that’ll be arriving at Christmas! Grr!

(Awaiting to be told I'm being ungrateful and should just get on with it and accept the gift, but I'm legit pulling my hair out over the prospect of trying to create space when we have none )

“I'm afraid I'd be ranting down the phone at her if it was my MIL”

Why? The DP approved it!

Yes quite, it’s ‘D’H who needs a sharp talking to.

Dh once arrived home with all three boys and a fussball table he’d bought for them, without giving a moment’s thought to where it would go. I had to be the baddy who pointed out there was literally nowhere it could go, and he had to take it back. I was cross that he hadn’t thought about it before getting them excited by buying it, and caused them to be upset.

@AreThereAnyUserNamesNot Taken - your dh needs to tell his mum that there is no room for the table - and she needs to be a grown up about it and not make a silly scene. I hope you can get it sorted. If he can’t or won’t, maybe you’ll have to say that it must live at your MIL’s house so they can play with it there - I’m sure she’ll see your point of view when it is her space that will be taken up!

And somebody has to tell the mil before she has all that hassle and expense of returning it. So.

1. Ring or text mil with one of the form of words already suggested
2. Have the conversation with DP this evening.

Yes. If you do it right now it may not be dispatched yet. Cancellation is free. Returning often isn’t.

If neither of you will bite the bullet and do this very simple thing asap then I think if any return shipping charges are incurred it would be fair for your DH to cover those out of whatever fun budget he has, as it would not be fair to expect MIL to pay.

Your gutless husband clearly isn't going to bother. Just tell her yourself now that it's a great idea but you just don't have room for it. She is going to think whatever she thinks regardless so get on and tell her.

Maybe you could make a suggestion as to what would be suitable?

I'd also be ranting at him, don't worry Bertrand.

I've said my bit to DH, if he doesn't message or call her when he gets in this evening, then I'll be contacting her first thing in the morning!

@BertrandRussell

“I'm afraid I'd be ranting down the phone at her if it was my MIL”

Why? The DP approved it!

So OP would be unreasonable to rant at her MIL and also a wet blanket for not putting this to rights. OP can’t win with you Bertrand. She has done nothing wrong here.

Well your DH is a tit isn’t he? If you don’t want it then tell her yourself!

His decisions and actions all the way. If you're in and he's out when it comes, prop it against the nearest wall and ignore. Any questions or requests for help from DH and DC related to object and its placement get "I don't know/Up to you/Ask your dad," and just relax totally. It will get sorted, just not by you.

If I did this and just ignored a huge, ridiculous new toy table, what would happen is that my DH would drag it into the house and jam it in "somewhere", making room for it by removing stuff (furniture, toys, other crap) out of one space and then piling said stuff up into huge, messy, higgledy-piggeledy piles around the table. And then every time we wanted to enter the room, we would all have to squeeze around the stupid fucking unwanted table and the teetering piles of crap that surround it--knocking the piles of stuff over so that things spill all over the floor, and banging our shins and elbows on the bloody table.

We would then live like that for months on end until I eventually became so fed up with the situation that I just sighed, threw my hands in the air, and accepted the inevitable--that I am going to have to spend my time and energy getting rid of the wretched unwanted table toy (photographing it, uploading photos onto local freecycling page, engaging in back-and-forth with prospective owners and arranging a time and date for them to come and get it, dragging the stupid thing out into the entrance hall, wiping it down and checking it for missing pieces, and then putting all the piles of random crap BACK where they were in the first place. Etc. etc. etc.)

I love my DH and he is a wonderful guy in most other ways, but he really does not seem to care about messy, cluttered living spaces and he just does not "do" decluttering or household organization stuff. Because I didn't want to spend my marriage boiling over with resentment, we agreed that I would have final say over EVERYTHING that comes into the house, and that that is simply part of the deal if he expects me to be responsible for all the decluttering and organizing!

I am afraid "Just stop doing wifework! If you stop doing it, they will eventually take care of it!" doesn't always work.

I would tell DH to tell her no!

Your best option is to say nothing and do nothing. Your DH then has to sort the whole mess out without you bailing him out. If he won't listen to you and is scared of MIL it's the only way that he is going to learn not to do it again. This will only work if you step back from it completely.

There’s absolutely no need to rant at MIL. OP need do nothing more than explicitly state that It.Will.Not.Fit. Nothing ranty about politely stating fact.

Good luck OP. FWIW I totally understand why you want him to solve the problem he caused, and I agree that he should do it today. If he doesn’t then yes, you’ll need to do it first thing in the morning.

And OP, seriously, DON'T repurpose the table or find space for it or take it in only to spend your time and energy selling or free cycling the thing. Tell MIL honestly that you simply cannot accept things like this and that it needs to be canceled. Otherwise, she will just be giving you something else equally unsuitable next year. I am a bit weirded out by the way that she doesn't seem interested in her grandchildren yet buys them enormous toys--I guess some people just express affection by buying stuff....?

Above was in reply to @Mephisto

The DH does deserve a rant, because a) he was an idiot to cause the problem to begin with and more so, b) he has so far refused to fix it.

If DH doesn't do it tonight, I would be pinching his phone and sending a text to her from him!

I don’t understand why so many women on MN hide behind their husbands in getting them to do their dirty work where their MIL is concerned.

A simple phone call thank her for kindly ordering the table but that it won’t fit is all that is needed here. No need for all the hand ringing!!

It’s not hiding behind anything. He caused the problem so he should solve it, especially because it’s likely OP will be made to look bad, whereas it’s her husband’s dumb actions that put her in this positions.

And when you have a wet lettuce husband who is afraid of mummy or daddy it becomes infuriating to be running around doing all sorts of damage limitations on their behalf, when they could just man up and say no, that won’t work for us.

He did cause the problem but he’s not fussed about this item being in the house.

The OP is.

Apologies for autocorrect and instances of stray ‘s’.

Yes, because it causes a legitimate headache which she has to cope with. Why should she sort out and smooth over his dumb actions?

Is the nuance of that too difficult for you to understand?

With surprise unwanted gifts I just donate them too the local women's shelter. If said present is ever asked after I said we already had so much and I felt bad for the families that have to flea their homes with nothing so donated it to them! Never caused a rift.

My friend has very limited space for toys in her flat, but she boxes up some and puts them in the loft and then she swaps them every 3 to 6 months when the DCs fancy a change. That way they get to keep all their toys and save a bit of space.

Or your husband should tell her to cancel as he only just realised how big it'd be