Dh & MIL Christmas gift

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DH came home from visiting his DM at the weekend and told me MIL has ordered a present for our young DC’s for Christmas. She showed DH what it is before clicking buy.

It’s basically a massive table that you lay out train tracks and buildings on - looks lovely, the DC’s will enjoy it, however, the space in our flat is MASSIVELY limited.
We’re already over run with the toys that we have (and we don't exactly have a lot in comparison to most families) and the purchase of this table means I’m now going to have to throw out a toy box that we currently have in our front room just to make space for this table as there’s literally nowhere else we can put it. As a result of getting rid of the toy box, I’m going to have to go through so many toys and either throw them away, or give them to charity shops. I recently bought DC’s a couple of toy ‘houses’ - think batman cave play sets etc, which I now have NO IDEA where I’m going to put, as again, the table will have to be put where all their current stuff is.

I’ve literally utilised every single area of our front room (there’s no space whatsoever in DC’s room for toys), we have a book case with fabric storage bags (one for cars, one for action figures, one for blocks etc etc), under our tv unit houses some toys too, and of course, the toy box held the bulkier things like toy guitars and wooden pirate ships.

AIBU to be annoyed at DH for agreeing to something that he knows we simply don’t have the space for, and also at MiL who is well aware that something of that size just isn’t appropriate for how small our home is?

I’m now in the awkward position of either having to tell MIL to cancel the order, or throwing away so many of my DC’s things just to make space for this poxy table that’ll be arriving at Christmas! Grr!

(Awaiting to be told I'm being ungrateful and should just get on with it and accept the gift, but I'm legit pulling my hair out over the prospect of trying to create space when we have none )

I know I've taken the mental load on myself. I'm just frustrated because I know that DH can be a wet lettuce and won't want to tell his DM to cancel the order, and that he'd rather 'make it work' as opposed to doing the sensible thing of just not accepting the gift and asking her to get something different.
So it then falls on me to tell her, and I will definitely be made out to be a bed person for telling her it isn't suitable for us after DH has obviously said that it is.

She can cancel and buy something else.

This need not be a massive issue. Break it down into granny/nanny whatevs you call her, is buying a massive gift that will take up most of floor space. What can I do?
Shallow boxes under said table to put toys in.
Oilcloth to go over said you table and use for other things, eating or crafts ... maybe not at same time !
Unless, it’s the fact that this decision was made for you that irks, that is another issue, to be e closed from decision making requires different action.
Which do you think it is ??

Yes but why does that actually matter?

You aren’t being horrible. There is literally no way that anyone can twist it so this is your fault. If she wants to make an issue then that is her problem. Let her be unreasonable. But fgs don’t fall in with it. Just don’t do all that ridiculous stuff you’ve been describing. It doesn’t fit, and that is that.

Your idiot of a husband is too much of a baby to say no to his mummy. Doesn’t that make your ovaries just shrivel right up?? Why should you collude in that dynamic? Tell her, nicely, that it literally doesn’t fit, and your husband should have checked it and should have known. Then don’t give it another thought. And tell your husband to grow up FGS.

The trouble is, your DH isn't listening to your point that it's too big.

Sometimes the best thing you can do is to let things break and play a longer game. Take the table. Let him put it up. Let it get right in the way. He must have some stuff he owns - books, DVDs, exercise equipment? Once the problem is evident, "solve" it by boxing his stuff up and putting it in the loft. Make him do without.

I would talk to her myself and say while it is a thoughtful gift it is unfortunately impractical given the limited space you have so are a bit perplexed as to why her son said it was ok to buy.

Suggest she cancels the order and give her a couple of alternatives to buy instead, if she can’t cancel the order or is unwilling too say that it will have to remain at her house as you really don’t have room for it and also say to her that it is best if she runs any gift buying for your children by you first as it will avoid disappointment in future as her son obviously things you live in a mansion and space isn’t an issue.

Yes, your only other solution, if you’re determined to accept the table because it’s easier for both of you to do that, is to make it his problem to solve. In a way that directly impacts on him, his comfort, and his space and belongings. I appreciate that you will have to play the long game and that irks because you’re the one who’s going to have to live with the chaos and clutter and disorganisation, but it’s fair and will hopefully teach him to think a bit and to consider practicalities and not just push all the crap onto you.

@summersherewishiwasnt

Shallow boxes under said table to put toys in.
Oilcloth to go over said you table and use for other things, eating or crafts

OP has said the toys are too bulky to fit in and the table doesn’t look very suitable for eating from or playing anything apart from trains. It’s got walls all around. Plus it will have trains in.

As I child, I really wanted a train set on a board that was attached to the ceiling and lowered/raised with pulleys. Surprisingly, my DM was less than enthusiastic about my excellent idea.

Mephisto
Perhaps I’m too optimistic then !

Living in a flat/house that's full of "stuff" isn't good for anyone I don't think. Clutter drives me mad, and having something like that take over my main living space would drive me absolutely bonkers.

Is there any chance you can just call her and say how grateful you are for the gift, as your DCs would love it, but there's just unfortunately no room in the flat for it? She won't think you're being funny with her, as it's not like you can magic up an extension!

As others have said, could it not stay at hers for when your DCs visit? Or, even, maybe at your mum's if she has space? That's clutching at straws though to be fair - cancelled would be the best choice.

It's a silly gift to buy someone who lives in a small space, and given you said your relationship with her isn't great, part of me wonders whether she's actually just done it to wind you up anyway.

I would just send a message along the times of

• "thanks so much for ordering such a lovely present for the kids for Christmas, but unfortunately having measured it out in the room, it won't fit by quite a long way! Really sorry, DH should have checked the size. If you need alternative suggestions let us know! Hope to see you soon"

Yes! That message is literally all it takes.

If she refuses then it can be sold on.

@summersherewishiwasnt if there was a way to make it work, I'd be doing just that. But there really isn't. The short of it would be that accepting that gift would mean removing a lot of DC's existing toys and I'm not ok with doing that.

Have told DH he needs to tell her to cancel the order. If he hasn't told her within the next few days, I'll have to, so that she doesn't miss the 14 day cancellation period.

It’s better to tell her now so she can cancel it before it’s dispatched.

Perhaps I’m too optimistic then !

Optimism is good. I’m more glass half empty.

Hmm yes if it fits at your mum’s and she has space and your children visit her or stay at hers then that could be ab acceptable solution.

Oh for goodness sake, OP- it’s not your dp being the wet lettuce! He was an idiot- but it’s easily put right. Do it now- before 12.00.

(Only if your mum is happy to have it, of course!)

Tell her today. He won't. Maybe if she cancels it today it won't get sent out. No sense cancelling it in a few days when it's out for delivery. We had the same table - it's big and won't slide under a sofa, as suggested by pp.

@BertrandRussell why is OP a wet lettuce for not putting ‘easily putting things right’? She’s not the one who gave MIL the go ahead.

Her DH messed up and she has asked him to fix it. It’s his mum so it’s better coming from him.

Yes, maybe he should. But it doesn't matter who does it- if she does it today she might be able to cancel/change before it gets sent out. Otherwise she’ll have the hassle of sending it back.

But if OP does it she will be re-inforcing the message that DH will fuck up and wifey will fix it. Letting DH tell his mum is better because it’s him taking responsibility for his fuck up.

Please don't walk into a trap by talking to her yourself, OP!

You've outlined all the bad things that will follow if you do, and they are all avoidable. Masterly inactivity and a buttoned lip are the smart answers here, I'm convinced.

"How kind you are/How kind she is!" to and of your MiL and then do literally NOTHING about any of it.

His decisions and actions all the way. If you're in and he's out when it comes, prop it against the nearest wall and ignore. Any questions or requests for help from DH and DC related to object and its placement get "I don't know/Up to you/Ask your dad," and just relax totally. It will get sorted, just not by you.

Try to refrain from looking smug or uttering things like "I told you so/I knew this would happen," and if you must say something try, "It's nothing to do with me." Repeat as required.

Good luck!

Ask your DH to tell you what he plans to remove from your home to make space for the table. Don't be fobbed off. Just keep asking until he can tell you exactly how it will fit in.