AIBU Disagreement on wedding seating

[RoyalnGeneral]

Wedding one. Some details changed but I am not any of the four people involved.

I have a friend, Alice who suffers from anxiety (relevant). Alice got married to Ben about 18 months ago. Ben is a laid back ‘try to keep everyone happy’ type of guy. Alice and Ben are friends with another couple, Carl and Donna. Ben and Carl have been best friends for over 20 yrs. Alice and Donna worked together for several years but now work at different organisations.

Carl and Donna have announced they will be getting married next spring and Carl asked Ben to be his best man. Planning was going well until seating arrangements were discussed when it turned out Ben would be sitting at the top table while Alice would be at a guest table. Alice was upset and said she didn’t know anyone at the wedding and didn’t want to sit with strangers. She wanted to sit next to Ben at the top table.

Ben spoke to C&D and asked if Alice could sit with him. Carl and Donna said no, they understood it wasn’t ideal but that A&B would only be separated for a few hours. Alice said if she couldn't sit at the top table then she wanted Ben to sit at her guest table and do his speech from there. C&D refused again as they wanted Ben at the top table with Carl, so he could do the toasts/ read the messages/ keep people on time.

Things went back and forth without resolution, then last weekend Carl phoned Ben and uninvited him from being best man. A&B are still invited to the wedding and can now sit together at the guest table. The new best man will sit at the top table. The best man’s wife will be sitting with friends at another guest table.

Alice told me about this last night. She was taken aback that Ben had been uninvited. She said that at her wedding she hadn’t cared about wedding party only at the top table. What was important to her was that her guests felt comfortable and she didn’t think it was fair she had been expected to sit by herself with people she didn’t know.

I said that while Alice hadn't minded who sat at the top table at her wedding, Carl and Donna seem to want a more traditional approach. Also, C&D have accommodated Alice’s request to sit with Ben, although not in the way Alice expected. Carl will now have his best man with him at the top table, as he wants, and the best man’s wife will be sitting with people she knows, so perhaps it is the best compromise C&D can come up with, given the circumstances.

Alice disagreed. She said C&D are overreacting and she doesn’t see why she couldn’t been seated with Ben in the first place. She isn't sure she wants to go to the wedding now as she thinks it will be awkward.

AIBU to think Alice should have accepted C&D’s initial refusal and not continued to insist on sitting with Ben?

I know Alice’s anxiety means she finds these situations stressful so perhaps C&D could have been more sympathetic. But it’s C&D’s wedding day which I tend to think puts the onus on A&B to try to accomodate their friends' wishes.

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz I think OP is either Ben or Donna

Equally Smile it was suggested, so who knows?

And Huskylover1 I’d add that I’ve no idea how those devoid of empathy, human sympathy and well, just a little bit of tact, consideration and finesse manage to navigate life without missing out on so much of the finer aspects of the human condition. But each to their own.

Tbf this could have been last drop. I highly doubt this is the only instance alice was this demanding

@smilescheese and @bibijayne
Have to say in my experience of many many weddings I can't recall any where the top table had best man or bridesmaids' partners, unless they were also coincidentally part of the bridal party.
Have been to 2 weddings where DH has been in bridal party and I sat with randoms.
I have politely declined to be a bridesmaid to avoid being the centre of attention so would have been pretty surprised (and horrified!) to be invited to sit at the top table just because DH was there.

I have anxiety too (promise I'm not such a pain as Alice!) and find the service most difficult as it's not the done thing to walk out of a wedding service so I tend to sit somewhere inconspicuous where I can zone out if I need to.
At least with the meal you can move around and make small talk or just listen to the others and say you're just taking it all in.

@shartgoblin hope you tell your maid of honour your rationale or it could come across as a snub to her.

Another anxiety sufferer who thinks Alice is BU. She reminds me of my son, who's autistic and currently going through a "shy" phase that involves trying so ostentatiously to be discreet (trying to hide inside my clothing, etc) that he attracts far, far more attention than he would if he just stood around unobtrusively.

I'm not sure I'd be bothered with friends who were going to be that 'traditional' pointlessly arbitrary and self-important with their seating plan.

It doesn't seem like either Alice or Ben are particularly compatible with up themselves nature of Carl and Donna.

Time to find new friends I think.

Ummm...looks like I'm in a minority (or the only one) but I'm kind of with Alice. She presumably wouldn't be going to the wedding if it weren't for Ben, and doesn't know anyone else going, so I'd be hoping to sit with my DP too. I think calling her a "nasty woman" is a bit far fetched! I suppose if there were other partners of the wedding party that she could be introduced to and sit with then that would be a more accommodating way of doing things, but I'm not sure that's the case here.

My husband's best man was divorced with a young son when we married. His ex wife demanded he have their son the weekend of the wedding. Fine by us to have him-but the BM then wanted him sat on the top table, which we weren't happy with tbh. Fortunately, his brother, sil and their kids were also attending, so the son sat with them. I assume if that wan't the case we'd have had to put him on the top table-but he was a child. Alice is an adult.

@SmileCheese that's not quite true - the OP says she'd be happy with Ben sitting at her table with her? So it doesn't sound as if her only option was sitting at the top table?

But as a grown up you generally meet new people on a daily basis? Form friendships etc so why would being sat next to a few people who all know the bride or groom be daunting?

Have to say in my experience of many many weddings I can't recall any where the top table had best man or bridesmaids' partners, unless they were also coincidentally part of the bridal party.

Am so glad its not just me I suspect 99% of weddings with a top table follow the same general rule otherwise there would be no room for all the partners.

It doesn't seem like either Alice or Ben are particularly compatible with up themselves nature of Carl and Donna.

How are they being up their arse they offered a compromise which meant Alice got to sit with her DH and now Alice is still not happy.

It might not be what Alice and Ben did but wanting your best man at the top table hardly makes you a monster. As I and others have suggested if it wasn't this issue it would have been another E.g. Carl wanting Ben to get ready with him on the day and arrive at the church to greet the guests. No doubt Alice would have then moaned because she was being expected to arrive and sit alone at the service.

If I was as anxious as Alice, sitting on the top table, with all eyes on me, would be my worst nightmare.

that's not quite true - the OP says she'd be happy with Ben sitting at her table with her? So it doesn't sound as if her only option was sitting at the top table?

But that's exactly what is now happening and she's not happy about it and threatening not to attend the wedding. The only difference is to get what she wanted Ben is no longer best man as they still want a best man sitting at the top table.

I have generalised anxiety disorder and panic disorder so I can sympathize with Alice as I know how scary these things can be, but she is now sitting with her husband but it still isn't good enough so she now no longer wants to go, this makes me think she is a drama llama.

If I know well enough in advance about a potential triggering situation I can start to think of coping mechanisms on how to get 'through it' and always have my Propanaol handy encase I get overwhelmed, but I wouldn't dream of making other people change their plans just to suit me. As another poster has said just because she had her wedding differently doesn't mean that should be the blue print for every other wedding she attends.

South Park have a very funny episode where Cartman demands everyone start accommodating him because he has decided he has anxiety, Alice should watch it, I first watched it when I was at my lowest and it really helped me laugh at myself and see that while they may not feel as bad as me other people do feel awkward in social situations as well.

Sheesh, Alice sounds quite selfish and very hard work!

Does Alice undertake therapy for her anxiety?

A grown woman being too anxious to sit at a table of wedding guests whom she doesn't already know - and so anxious she's requiring the bride & groom to change their plans - is not really a very well woman.

She's being unreasonable, but she's clearly unwell.

She presumably wouldn't be going to the wedding if it weren't for Ben, and doesn't know anyone else going

Alice and Donna worked together and are still friends so its perfectly possibly she would be attending even if Ben was not her DH.

Presumably in the time that her and Ben have been together she has met some of his friends who might also be at the wedding considering he and Carl have known each other for 20 years.

Its also likely that some of Alice's and Donna's old colleges would be attending the wedding so she would know them as well.

It would be a bloody miracle if she truly knew nobody else attending other than Carl and Donna.

But as a grown up you generally meet new people on a daily basis? Form friendships etc so why would being sat next to a few people who all know the bride or groom be daunting?

I’m not sure what you do on a daily basis but the extent of the new “friendships” I form is smiling at someone at a supermarket or saying “that was hard work” at a gym class.

No doubt at all that Alice is BU.

But this thread is an excellent example of how poor attitudes are towards those who have mental health problems. If she's not faking it then she's an attention seeker or stroppy mare or a drama llama. Would you say the same about someone with cystic fibrosis or kidney problems or a broken leg? I hope not.

@ASandwichNamedKevin Oh yes, of course we discussed it and she was very grateful. The next challenge is the parents, step parents & new partners. I can't think of a set up that doesn't offend someone!

Carl and Donna have done the right thing. They want to have a traditional top table and to enable their friends to be comfortable and have them attend have relieved the best man of his duties.

I find it difficult to believe that a long standing friendship where both Alice and Ben are friends with Carl and Donna would not include any mutual friends and think Alice is a prize winning attention seeker as she seems to be finding fault with anything that isn’t done how she wants it.

I think that Alice is being very very unreasonable and making it all about her, to the detriment of her dh.

However, I do want to respond to one of the posters who wrote, "I’ve never been to a wedding where the best mans wife was sat at the top table.

would the bridesmaids want their partners up there too? "

Actually, that's exactly what dh and I had at our wedding : my matron-of-honour plus her dh and the best man plus his dw - plus an "MC" (another good friend) and his partner

But we didn't have a Top Table per se, just a round table in the middle of the other round tables. My parents and PILs were at the next table, together with a few of my parents' friends who I thought would get on the PIL (dh's 2nd marriage, so did't feel the need to invite any of his parents' friends).

@BlueChangeling that is great!

For someone with anxiety this woman seems very confrontational....

@Lockheart if they were being unreasonable, yes.

@IAmALazyArse really? If someone had a physical disability or injury that meant they might need help with their meal and therefore needed to sit with their partner, you'd still say they're making it up / attention seeking / nasty?

Honestly?

Mental illnesses are no less real than physical problems. They're just much more poorly understood.