To laugh at the ridiculousness of my husband

[MRSMARMITE3]

We've got two kids, a 4 month old and a 6 year old. Every morning I get up extra early and sort both kids out etc and have a quick wash etc then take kids on the school run (we both leave house same time). DH gets up later, showers, breakfast then goes work
Today DH is off as wants to help on the school trip. I've had a crap night with the baby. So I've got up briefly to sort packed lunch then said I'm going back to bed till baby wakes up. DH response - "what about 6 year old!!"" I need to shower because I'm a man and sweat, you need to help!"

Umm what?? I do both kids every morning!! Needless to say I'm back in bed with the baby and he's sulking.

We’re just going to have to agree to disagree here. You seem to think it’s up to the woman to make a change. I don’t. I’m not really sure what else there is to say.

And you’re saying it’s up to the man to change, which is all well and good but given the fact that many of these men have stood by and let their wives do all the donkey work for years, it’s very unlikely that they’re going to change on their own backs.

They behave like that because they’ve got away with it previously and without an ultimatum imo they will carry on.

But why would an ultimatum make any difference when they’ve been happy to be rubbish fathers up until now? Why is the dissatisfaction of not being the absolute best parent you can be not enough of an incentive? Why does it have to be up to the woman to point that out? Why does it have to be her enabling him as the first point of attack?

But why would an ultimatum make any difference when they’ve been happy to be rubbish fathers up until now?

Because it might be the only thing that makes them sit up and think about what they’re about to lose.

Why is the dissatisfaction of not being the absolute best parent you can be not enough of an incentive?

Because some men are inherently lazy and if they can get away with the least amount of input in their dcs lives they will carry on behaving that way.

Why does it have to be up to the woman to point that out?

Who else will point it out if he’s happy living like that?

Why does it have to be her enabling him as the first point of attack?

Because the woman in this situation is the one who hasn’t put her foot down way back when and said that his lack of involvement and effort is not good enough! Some men will push their luck and do very little around the house if someone else eg their wife is doing it for them.

Because the woman in this situation is the one who hasn’t put her foot down way back when and said that his lack of involvement and effort is not good enough! Some men will push their luck and do very little around the house if someone else eg their wife is doing it for them.

So still very clearly the woman’s fault. I’m not really sure what else there is to say.

So you would put up with your husband not pulling his weight, not doing even the simplest tasks like dressing his child or tidying round or whatever?

You’d be happy to continue living with an incompetent, excuse of a man?

Really?!

You’ve asked me several different variations of that now, and I think I’ve made myself clear. I’m not answering the same thing time after time because you refuse to believe that women aren’t responsible.

I get it NoSauce. At some point in a relationship it will become clear what the man is willing to do. If this is zero, and he refuses to change, then the woman needs to deal with the reality of that situation and own the choice she will invariably make. Either leave cos the man child is so useless or let it run on and on and complain and get more resentful. Either way, his behaviour is not her responsibility, what is her responsibility is the way she reacts to this behaviour and the effect she allows it to have on her life.

It is NOT her responsibility to change or manage him. She may CHOOSE to try this as she deems it best for her circumstances but it’s not default her responsibility.

It is NOT her responsibility to change or manage him. She may CHOOSE to try this as she deems it best for her circumstances but it’s not default her responsibility.

Yes. Exactly this. Although I'd also say that if you get to the point of 'managing' you're probably fairly detached at that point, which doesn't bode well for the health of the relationship (although, I expect it'll last, if at least the woman is aware enough to do that, and to balance her life in that way)

It is NOT her responsibility to change or manage him. She may CHOOSE to try this as she deems it best for her circumstances but it’s not default her responsibility

What’s her option? Do nothing and live with it? What message is this sending out to all the women out there on their knees because their husbands take advantage of them? That they have to put up with it?

So many threads on MN saying the same old crap where the husband is a good for nothing shit and more often than not the responses are to kick him out not do nothing!

What’s her option? Do nothing and live with it?

Your constant repetition of this phrase, or variations of it, shows such a wilful misunderstanding of what posters are saying. Just a quick reminder @NoSauce, it was you who blamed the OP for ‘enabling’ her husband.

What I’m (and others) are trying to point out to you is how unfair that is, and how illogical that is. She isn’t enabling him, she’s looking after her children because their father won’t. So what she chooses to do is irrelevant because it’s his choice that’s the issue here, his choice is not to parent his children. You cannot hold the OP responsible for that.

If you’re going to quote me at least post what I was responding to so it’s in context.

Why did the OP get up to make the packed lunch, I would have stayed in bed.

If you’re going to quote me at least post what I was responding to so it’s in context.

It was literally the post above mine, and it’s patently obvious what you thought the context was as you’ve asked the same question over and over again. You are the poster who said the OP was to blame, you’ve just had it pointed out to you why that was wrong.

It is NOT her responsibility to change or manage him. She may CHOOSE to try this as she deems it best for her circumstances but it’s not default her responsibility

What’s her option? Do nothing and live with it?

In context.

What do you think that changes? Which point of my post are you addressing?

Of course women don’t have to put up with it! Her options are as I said. Choose to leave him, choose to manage him (by telling him what needs done etc) or choose to just do it all herself. But it’s a choice- she can leave. What she can’t do is make someone else change and accept responsibility when they don’t want to- cos that just hardly ever happens in real life. I understand this is hardly ever as simple as I’ve set out in real life- but women should not put up and shut up absolutely not ( I wouldn’t) but some women do make the choice to stay and either do it all or manage/dictate. Their agency their choice (abuse cases aside). In an ideal work men would just get on with it, but we don’t live in an ideal world.

Until society values housework and caring as much as they should be,this is likely to continue- hopefully for less men as time goes on. Am currently trying to get a baby and toddler intent on partying to sleep, so maybe I’m not as clear as I could be, but women are not to blame for men’s behaviour! But they own their own reaction to it.