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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To laugh at the ridiculousness of my husband

144 replies

MRSMARMITE3 · 01/10/2019 07:21

We've got two kids, a 4 month old and a 6 year old. Every morning I get up extra early and sort both kids out etc and have a quick wash etc then take kids on the school run (we both leave house same time). DH gets up later, showers, breakfast then goes work
Today DH is off as wants to help on the school trip. I've had a crap night with the baby. So I've got up briefly to sort packed lunch then said I'm going back to bed till baby wakes up. DH response - "what about 6 year old!!"" I need to shower because I'm a man and sweat, you need to help!"

Umm what?? I do both kids every morning!! Needless to say I'm back in bed with the baby and he's sulking.

OP posts:

Pumperthepumper · 01/10/2019 12:01

And what do you think is going to trigger this change if he’s not told that his behaviour is unacceptable and getting his wife down?

But that’s exactly it! He’s been a father for six years but needs to be told how to parent him? Do you honestly think he’s not aware that his wife does all the donkey work? He already knows, he’s already made his choice. This is the parent he is.

timshelthechoice · 01/10/2019 12:05

Oh, yeah, this is about as funny as burning shit.

I don't know how anyone can find a manchild like this attractive at all, much less shag him and procreate with him.

What a tool.

Pumperthepumper · 01/10/2019 12:06

Sorry, missed off a bit at the end. Society validates fathers like this. You can be an absolutely useless parent but (if you’re a dad) you can play with them when they come home from school and be the fun one and that makes you father of the year. And we’re encouraged to laugh about how hapless they are. And if a woman dares complain that it’s not good enough, it’s her fault for enabling him.

Gothichouse40 · 01/10/2019 12:23

You have to start as you mean to go on. I'd be leaving your husband watching the children a few times when he is off. What would he do if you were ill? I never understand women who seem to treat their husbands/partners like another child. Next time hes on a day off, leave him to look after the children while you have a day to yourself. Looking after children is a team effort, he fathered them so he can look after them too! Don't wait till you are in your fifties and then complain you have a useless husband/partner. I've seen too much of that, men have to take responsibilty too.

NoSauce · 01/10/2019 12:33

Fuck me NoSauce - if I had to tell my DP that the bins need putting out or the kids occasionally should be washed I would be resentful, tired and sick of him! Quite justifiably! Sounds like a completely reasonable reaction for someone who apparently can't do some basic adulting/parenting

Yet many women complain time and time again that their husbands see what needs doing and won’t attempt to do it.

So what’s your solution here? Ignore it or bring it up?

NoSauce · 01/10/2019 12:34

But that’s exactly it! He’s been a father for six years but needs to be told how to parent him? Do you honestly think he’s not aware that his wife does all the donkey work? He already knows, he’s already made his choice. This is the parent he is

Of course he’s aware. I’ve said this more than once on this thread! He chooses to play the incompetent father because his wife allows it!

Pumperthepumper · 01/10/2019 12:39

Still her fault then?

NoSauce · 01/10/2019 12:43

What do you suggest you if the man doesn’t take upon himself to do his bit then?

doskant · 01/10/2019 13:07

Has anyone else noticed the OP has disappeared? Does anyone care or are you all still way too invested in arguing?

I would guess the OP has had to get onto the lion’s share of family-related work or has spent possibly more time trying to explain to her DH once again how to do simple tasks than it would take if she just did it herself. I would suggest she’s not an idiot and has tried to stop “enabling” him a million times and mostly given up. I would also suggest she is so fed up and tired she is contemplating separation so she doesn’t have to look after an adult on top of her two kids. I would suggest she suspects this might actually make life easier. However, to cheer herself up she has come on to MN for cathartic release to try to joke her frustration away for just one day. Only for her words to be ripped to shreds by posters who can’t or won’t imagine themselves in the same situation. Even if they know full well exactly what it’s like to be in the same situation.

OP, we hear you. Women across the world know what you’re talking about. Good to laugh about it. Good to generate debate about it. We all need to work together to stop this shit from happening and take back our mental energy so we can channel it into far more creative and constructive things than detailing step-by-step instructions for husbands on how to pack a bloody school bag.

Thatisme · 01/10/2019 13:19

I think we should all be a bit more realistic and accept that to this day women still pick up a larger share of responsibilities within the home, with or without children. My husband is useless and if not prompted and coached would not do anything around the house. Lots of female work colleagues, even younger ones, complained of the same. Of course this isn't always true, some couples do share the workload equally but it's far from being the norm in my experience. What gets me is that women take the blame and are told that they 'enable' their partners unhelpfulness. So, do we have to parent them too? Aren't they grown up enough to know for hemselves? OP, I feel your pain.

Thatisme · 01/10/2019 13:22

Doskant, totally agree.

Pumperthepumper · 01/10/2019 13:24

What do you suggest you if the man doesn’t take upon himself to do his bit then?

I don’t have any suggestions. He’s made his choice. He’s not a good father.

NoSauce · 01/10/2019 13:29

I think we should all be a bit more realistic and accept that to this day women still pick up a larger share of responsibilities within the home, with or without children

Why on earth should women have this mindset?? Why should they have more work load than the menz??

My husband is useless and if not prompted and coached would not do anything around the house.

What gets me is that women take the blame and are told that they 'enable' their partners unhelpfulness. So, do we have to parent them too? Aren't they grown up enough to know for themselves

You’re contradicting yourself here.

NoSauce · 01/10/2019 13:31

I don’t have any suggestions. He’s made his choice. He’s not a good father

So the OP and women in her shoes have to put up and shut up then and live along side their lazy, incompetent husbands?

KatharinaRosalie · 01/10/2019 13:33

My husband is useless and if not prompted and coached would not do anything around the house.
So, do we have to parent them too?

You do parent him if he only does things in the common household when prompted and coached.

butteryellow · 01/10/2019 13:34

So what’s your solution here? Ignore it or bring it up?

Bring it up, if nothing changes, and you consider it a deal breaker, break up.

In my case, I have things I'm OK to do, and things that I am not prepared to do. For example, DP does the washing fairly often, but doesn't fold it or put it away (neither of us iron anything). As a consequence I don't fold and put away his stuff, just mine and the kids, and I leave his in the basket.

Sounds petty? Perhaps, but if the alternatives are either that I'm annoyed because I'm doing all the washing work, or I have to somehow force a grown man to fold our clothes and put them away properly (or I leave I suppose), I think that my route, where I don't feel bad, and he is the only victim of his choices is a good one.

If on the other hand there's a task that he's taking responsibility for, then I put in an equal amount of effort (eg. cooking dinners is fairly equal when he's here)

Pumperthepumper · 01/10/2019 13:41

So the OP and women in her shoes have to put up and shut up then and live along side their lazy, incompetent husbands?

It’s so hard for you not to blame women, isn’t it?

No, lazy, incompetent husbands shouldn’t exist.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 01/10/2019 13:42

Sounds to me like the OP is a SAHM, in which case, yes I would expect her to sort out the kids in the morning.

NoSauce · 01/10/2019 13:57

No, lazy, incompetent husbands shouldn’t exist

But they do, what’s your suggestion what to do with them?

Pumperthepumper · 01/10/2019 14:00

Don’t blame women for their failings. Don’t reward them by calling them excellent fathers.

NoSauce · 01/10/2019 14:06

What’s your suggestion for the woman living with the incompetent, lazy man child who relies on his wife to his share of the work?

Put up and shut up? Speak up? Leave? Or what?

KatharinaRosalie · 01/10/2019 14:10

Sounds to me like the OP is a SAHM, in which case, yes I would expect her to sort out the kids in the morning

Sounds to me like OP was up all night with a tiny baby, so I'd would expect any decent husband to take care of the children and let her have a lie in.

butteryellow · 01/10/2019 14:13

What’s your suggestion for the woman living with the incompetent, lazy man child who relies on his wife to his share of the work?

Put up and shut up? Speak up? Leave? Or what?

Ask her - let her decide what she wants to do - this is the point - we all take responsibility for ourselves and our actions. I've left someone because it was clear that they were never going to be a partner. I'm not leaving my current partner because on balance he makes enough effort that I can suck up the time he doesn't (although I do communicate my disappointment)

What's your solution? How are you going to force a man to take out the rubbish?

Pumperthepumper · 01/10/2019 14:22

What’s your suggestion for the woman living with the incompetent, lazy man child who relies on his wife to his share of the work?

You’ve already asked me this, and I’ve already answered - I don’t have any suggestions for the OP because I’m not the one saying he’s her fault for enabling him.

What do you suggest he does?

NoSauce · 01/10/2019 14:23

What's your solution?

I wouldn’t be in that situation in the first place but for those who are I would suggest giving an ultimatum that it their husbands don’t change their ways that they could find themselves without a wife.

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