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Original poster

To laugh at the ridiculousness of my husband

144 replies

MRSMARMITE3 · 01/10/2019 07:21

We've got two kids, a 4 month old and a 6 year old. Every morning I get up extra early and sort both kids out etc and have a quick wash etc then take kids on the school run (we both leave house same time). DH gets up later, showers, breakfast then goes work
Today DH is off as wants to help on the school trip. I've had a crap night with the baby. So I've got up briefly to sort packed lunch then said I'm going back to bed till baby wakes up. DH response - "what about 6 year old!!"" I need to shower because I'm a man and sweat, you need to help!"

Umm what?? I do both kids every morning!! Needless to say I'm back in bed with the baby and he's sulking.

OP posts:
LittleDancers · 01/10/2019 09:33

bigchris I'm sure tensixty's DDs can open a cereal packet etc but you know what.... growing up in a house where I was left to fend for myself over breakfast from high school onwards, I'd have loved to have a sit down breakfast organised by my DM on a schoolday. If you can do it as a parent, and you are happy that your DCs do know where the toaster and the cereal cupboard are by themselves, then a family breakfast is a pretty nice way to start the day.

I didn't actually ever eat breakfast. I wasn't neglected, but nobody cared or asked what I ate for breakfast. So for around 5 years it was chocolate bars on the way to school (bought with lunch money). Then nothing for lunch. It was miserable and lonely and I personally will be ensuring my DCs have breakfast together for as long as possible.

Myriade · 01/10/2019 09:33

I like all the enable comments as if it's all down to me that he's like this... He is a grown man!? I'd like to think he's realised that he's being ridiculous and not that I have to point that out out to him

I think you are right there. He is an adult and as andult, he should be able to realise hw ridiculous he is and that as a father he should be able to cipe woth looking after his own 6yo. The responsibility is FIRST squarely onto his shoulders.

I do think its essential that we, as women, establish good boundaries and hold them. And that includes not to be treated as a maid/nanny. And when a father never looks after their own dcs and has an idea how to handle taking said child to school, then he has been walking allover his partner boundaries imo and she hasnt hold him into account for that.

What I have learnt the hard way is that, unfortunately, people (and men in particular?) will walk all over you if you let them. And even though the responsibility to behave decentky is with them, you cant rely on that at all.

Pumperthepumper · 01/10/2019 09:39

Not knowing how to get your own six year old ready is absolutely shit parenting.

BertrandRussell · 01/10/2019 09:40

Women are always held responsible for men’s behaviour. Usually it’s his mother.

AnxietyDream · 01/10/2019 09:41

I don't know why OP is getting attacked for this. It's not like she ran in to help, she left him to it.

I thought my DH was a very hands on parent with my first etc, but a few months after having my second I was going out for a brief time leaving him with both children. "Wait, you can't go yet" he said as I was about to leave "I need to go to the toilet!". I just stared at him stunned for a moment, pointed out that in the 10 hours he was out of the house working and I was left alone with the kids I too sometimes needed the toilet, and left him to work it out. (He did!).

Teacher22 · 01/10/2019 09:48

When we first had a baby 30 years ago the DH and I both worked full time and I continued to teach full time. It was exhausting.

I found that, at the weekend I started to wake earlier (6.30a.m. when the DS woke) while the DH slept on until about 8/9p.m. or so. It seemed sensible that at least one of us should have some extra sleep and reserves if the other literally couldn't, so I got up with the baby.

More fool me.

The practice of me rising early and him sleeping in was hardwired and then taken for granted as if it were merely the natural order of things.

Nor were my generous efforts rewarded with some extra effort when the DH did eventually wake up. To this day he takes forty minutes to wake up, go to the loo, shave, shower and dress. He moves at a glacial pace while I am dashing around doing all sorts of useful things for both of us very quickly. He wanders round in his trousers and his arms up 'drying his deodorant', he says. Until I dashed upstairs, caught him at it, and protested he was spending ten minutes checking rubbish on his phone. He now thinks I believe he doesn't do it because he is now so canny as not to tell me what the weather forecast and the traffic updates are when he gets down to breakfast. But he does do it and I do know.

I have decided to pick my battles. He will never admit he's in the wrong and digs his heels in so I have 'won' elsewhere. I do love the selfish idiot but I am not going to be bested by his nonsense.

I would prefer it if we were as honest, open and equal as we were when we were pre babies and in our twenties. However, he has driven me to some forms of harmless subterfuge and, as I am more self aware and clever than he is, I will always win.

What a sorry tale.

MrsTommyShelby · 01/10/2019 09:52

My partner was recently made redundant, so I went out and found a PT job to keep a bit of money coming in. The first week back at school he had to do the pick ups. Everyday I reminded him, please don't forget her. Got usual response of 'of course I won't, I'm not an idiot'
Can you guess what happened on day 4?

I have similar issues to the OP, no matter what the situation, I always find myself getting me and the two children ready, he'll just see to himself. If he cooks, he cooks for him, I cook for everyone.

NoSauce · 01/10/2019 09:53

I like all the enable comments as if it's all down to me that he's like this... He is a grown man!? I'd like to think he's realised that he's being ridiculous and not that I have to point that out out to him but I don't know if he has cos I'm still in bed

You are enabling him though. You would like to think that he’s being ridiculous? Well maybe he does but it hasn’t stopped him taking the piss because you keep allowing him to!

Pumperthepumper · 01/10/2019 09:56

You are enabling him though. You would like to think that he’s being ridiculous? Well maybe he does but it hasn’t stopped him taking the piss because you keep allowing him to!

What’s the alternative though? If he doesn’t give enough of a shit about his own children to know how to get them ready, is the OP just supposed to ignore it too and let the kid go to school in their pjs?

With these shit fathers either the child suffers or the wife does. Which one would you pick?

Straycatstrut · 01/10/2019 09:57

Any flipping excuse. I'm (LP) I can't leave my 3 and 7 year olds in the morning whilst I shower or some kind of huge disaster happens. I stupidly went for a wee this morning (bursting) I was about 30 seconds (begged them to just stand still) and all I heard was bang... and 3 year old was in tears, had smacked the back of his head on kitchen floor.... and 7 year old said they'd been playing "spin crash" WHAT?!. Fab. Had to comfort 3 year old which meant we were late for 7 year old starting school, which meant 7 year old was stomping mad all the way to school!

NoSauce · 01/10/2019 10:06

What’s the alternative though?

Tell him you’re not putting up with it?
Stop thinking it’s funny?

A lot of men love their kids but don’t pull their weight with them or around the house because their wife does it even though she’s sick of it and tired out and uses MN to moan about how hard her life is.

There’s numerous threads on this matter every single day of the week.

Pumperthepumper · 01/10/2019 10:11

A lot of men love their kids but don’t pull their weight with them or around the house because their wife does it even though she’s sick of it and tired out and uses MN to moan about how hard her life is.

Nope. The wife does it because the husband is a lazy, useless father and most people would rather their kids went to school dressed in clean clothes and with teeth brushed than have them shamed because their so-called loving father actually just can’t be arsed being a decent parent.

The alternative is - he realises that he’s a shit parent and everything he does to get himself out in the morning has to also be done for his son. Just like the OP presumably did without having to be taught.

NoSauce · 01/10/2019 10:12

Nope, the husband doesn’t do it because he knows his wife will.

Pumperthepumper · 01/10/2019 10:15

Nope, the husband doesn’t do it because he knows his wife will.

So it’s a chicken or egg situation? You think the OP immediately started doing everything? In which case you must think that the husband immediately started doing nothing, which makes him a shit parent.

NoSauce · 01/10/2019 10:19

You think the OP immediately started doing everything?

Probably. What kind of man can’t sort out his 6 year old child in the morning? Does it sound like he’s ever been hands on with his children if he can’t do that?

Women put up with this shit all the time.

Ali1cedowntherabbithole · 01/10/2019 10:20

With these shit fathers either the child suffers or the wife does. Which one would you pick?

When a wife is suffering it is rarely good for children.

Expecting a man to help get his child ready for school isn’t a high bar.

Pumperthepumper · 01/10/2019 10:22

Women put up with this shit all the time.

Men are forgiven for being shit fathers all the time.

Pumperthepumper · 01/10/2019 10:23

Expecting a man to help get his child ready for school isn’t a high bar.

Yes, that’s my point.

StormcloakNord · 01/10/2019 10:24

This makes me grateful for DH.

Somehow, by the grace of god, he manages to wash all his man sweat off, AND gives 5yoDD breakfast, AND gets her ready for school all the while I lie in bed like a lazy toad.

Annasgirl · 01/10/2019 10:25

@femfemlicious - since when has parenting a 4 month old been seen as having a rest???? Come home and chill - with a 4 month old????

Seriously I despair at women's lack of support for other women sometimes.

NoSauce · 01/10/2019 10:27

Men are forgiven for being shit fathers all the time

I don’t agree at all. By whom? Not their wives for sure. Thread after thread on here from women whose husbands won’t lift a finger, who come in from work and plonk in front of the tv or on their x box while the wife is frazzled making dinner, sorting washing, bathing the baby but what can they do?

Waaaaahhhhh.

CripsSandwiches · 01/10/2019 10:27

He needs to help getting the kids ready every other day.

Pumperthepumper · 01/10/2019 10:35

I don’t agree at all. By whom? Not their wives for sure. Thread after thread on here from women whose husbands won’t lift a finger, who come in from work and plonk in front of the tv or on their x box while the wife is frazzled making dinner, sorting washing, bathing the baby but what can they do?

I’m not sure I really understand this. By society - I posted this on another thread recently but I once heard a comedian say ‘it takes so little to be considered a great father and so little to be considered a shit mum’ and it’s so true. Even on threads like this, where it’s so obvious he’s a shit parent, it’s the OP’s fault for enabling him, like she should stop looking after her kids because he can’t be arsed.

I don’t understand the ‘what can they do’ or the ‘waaaah’, sorry, I’m not sure who you are suggesting is saying that.

NoSauce · 01/10/2019 10:39

Well she can either put up with it and stop moaning or give him an ultimatum. Either he starts pulling his weight or things will change eg she will leave him.

I don’t understand that you don’t understand that. Do you think women should just put up and shut up with their sorry lives?

SilverySurfer · 01/10/2019 10:42

I like all the enable comments as if it's all down to me that he's like this... He is a grown man!? I'd like to think he's realised that he's being ridiculous and not that I have to point that out out to him

Well you have enabled him but that doesn't mean it's your fault, he is obviously in the wrong but if you don't change, he won't change. He's obviously not such a 'grown man' as you think.