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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To laugh at the ridiculousness of my husband

144 replies

MRSMARMITE3 · 01/10/2019 07:21

We've got two kids, a 4 month old and a 6 year old. Every morning I get up extra early and sort both kids out etc and have a quick wash etc then take kids on the school run (we both leave house same time). DH gets up later, showers, breakfast then goes work
Today DH is off as wants to help on the school trip. I've had a crap night with the baby. So I've got up briefly to sort packed lunch then said I'm going back to bed till baby wakes up. DH response - "what about 6 year old!!"" I need to shower because I'm a man and sweat, you need to help!"

Umm what?? I do both kids every morning!! Needless to say I'm back in bed with the baby and he's sulking.

OP posts:
Pumperthepumper · 01/10/2019 10:46

Well she can either put up with it and stop moaning or give him an ultimatum. Either he starts pulling his weight or things will change eg she will leave him.

But you’re still making it her responsibility to make him a good father. It isn’t, it’s his. If he can’t be arsed (for six years) being a decent parent then what would you suggest he does?

I very obviously don’t think women should put up with it - I think fewer men should be such unacceptably useless fathers. I don’t see why that’s something that has to be pointed out to them by their wives.

NoSauce · 01/10/2019 10:54

Of course it’s down to him to change or to step up in the beginning but as I’ve already said it’s apparent from the thousands of threads from different women in these situations that because they keep on doing everything their husbands will let them.

AmIThough · 01/10/2019 10:57

@Pumperthepumper OP said he wanted her to get the child ready in the morning. She hasn't told us anything else about their family dynamics other than him doing breakfast on a weekend. You don't have enough information to call him a useless father!

Pumperthepumper · 01/10/2019 11:00

And I’ve already said that the reason they’re doing everything is so the kids don’t suffer. In those thousands of threads I’m sure there are very few women who would send their kids to school undressed and dirty to make their husband step up. You are suggesting that the OP is enabling her husband as if it’s the OP who’s at fault. It isn’t.

Pumperthepumper · 01/10/2019 11:02

@AmIThough just out of interest, what would you call a mother who doesn’t know how to get her own six year old ready for school?

SquirrelsInJune · 01/10/2019 11:03

"Today DH is off as wants to help on the school trip."

How can he possibly be of any help when he's seemingly unable to cope with just one 6yr-old?

It wouldn't by any chance be because there will be plenty of praise heading his way for being such a great parent for helping the school out? Hmm

NoSauce · 01/10/2019 11:03

So they shouldn’t start threads moaning about it then if they’re not going to do anything about it and keep putting up with that shit!

Pumperthepumper · 01/10/2019 11:06

@NoSauce but what can they do? You can’t make someone give a shit if they so clearly don’t, what should the OP’s husband do? What’s the solution to him being a better father without the six year old suffering?

Idontwanttotalk · 01/10/2019 11:10

"My DDs (17 and 14) have always had me only to get them up and do breakfast in the mornings.
I'm an early riser, so get up at 6am, sort my stuff our/shower and then kids up at 7am, give them breakfast."

@bigchris
"You give a 17 and 14 year old breakfast ???"
Just because someone can make breakfast themselves doesn't mean they always should. Sometimes it's good to have breakfast and actually spend time eating it together as a family.

AmIThough · 01/10/2019 11:13

@Pumperthepumper he didn't say he doesnt know how to get 6 year old ready. He said he needs OP to help as he needs a shower.

Pumperthepumper · 01/10/2019 11:17

The OP also said this:

We've got two kids, a 4 month old and a 6 year old. Every morning I get up extra early and sort both kids out etc and have a quick wash etc then take kids on the school run (we both leave house same time). DH gets up later, showers, breakfast then goes work - note the ‘every morning’ and ‘sort both kids out’ bit. But you’re right, maybe he actually does know how to get his six year old ready and just didn’t know how do it that morning for whatever reason. I guess we’ll just have to wait and see if the OP comes back with more info.

How about the mother vs father thing?

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 01/10/2019 11:18

YANBU to laugh at your husband - keep laughing at him every time he makes such inane self entitled statements. Also from now on tell him you will be getting up later, having a shower and breakfast, so he needs to take responsibility for the 6 year old every morning from now on. Selfish wanker.

NoSauce · 01/10/2019 11:18

What can she do? Tell him that he can get up in the morning and sort out the pack lunches while she does the breakfast?

That he can bath the baby while she cooks dinner?

That he can clean up after dinner while she has a bath?

The list is endless. Putting up with it is enabling him.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 01/10/2019 11:21

I also agree with Squirrels, he just wants to be seen as a great father helping out on the school trip, when he can’t even cope with his own 6 yr old. Tosser!

NoSauce · 01/10/2019 11:24

Of course he can cope with getting his 6 year old ready. He just chooses not to because he’s been allowed. It’s his wife’s job in the morning while he has a shower and farts around.

butteryellow · 01/10/2019 11:28

What can she do? Tell him that he can get up in the morning and sort out the pack lunches while she does the breakfast?

The list is endless. Putting up with it is enabling him.

Telling him what to do is also enabling him - it's taking responsibility for the tasks and delegating them, rather than taking responsibility and doing them.

her DP needs to take some responsibility - and you can't force someone to do that unless you're prepared to risk the kids losing out.

In our house, I do morning, DP does bedtime. Mornings are organised, everyone washed, fed, dressed, lunches done. Bedtimes, I have to remind DP it's bedtime or play bedtime chicken (DS1 is 9! - he's not new to this) - ie. how late am I prepared to let the kids bedtime get. He doesn't read them stories, he doesn't have them do anything other than get into bed (eg. tidy room a bit, check bedsheets are clean, have them put on pyjamas, put dirty clothes in washing bin - just put them to bed). As a result, his bedtimes drag on, and the kids are grumpy about them.

When he's away for work, we have a bedtime routine, their rooms are tidy, I note if their sheets need changing, or if they should wash before bed or it can wait until morning, I make sure they have a fresh water bottle etc. The kids are obedient and go to bed happily, ontime, and quickly.

In fact, the only reason his bedtimes go with any ease is that I've trained the kids and don't let them go more than an hour past bedtime without reminding him.

So I don't enable him either way, I just safeguard the kids - if I told him what to do, if I directed him, that would be enabling just as much as if I took over and did it for him.

NoSauce · 01/10/2019 11:30

Telling him what to do is also enabling him

What’s the alternative with someone who chooses not to do anything with his children?

KatharinaRosalie · 01/10/2019 11:30

By whom? Not their wives for sure

Yes by 'Isn't my useless husband just so funny' wives

butteryellow · 01/10/2019 11:32

What’s the alternative with someone who chooses not to do anything with his children?

I don't know - but pretending that one is enabling and one isn't is ridiculous - they're both as enabling.

Pumperthepumper · 01/10/2019 11:43

her DP needs to take some responsibility - and you can't force someone to do that unless you're prepared to risk the kids losing out.

Exactly this, and I totally agree with the point that instructing him also makes his parenting the OP’s responsibility.

NoSauce · 01/10/2019 11:48

Ok so how long does the OP or any woman in her situation ( or worse ) wait for the husband to miraculously wake up to the fact that he leaves all the donkey work to his wife and starts to do what he should have been doing all along?

And what do you think is going to trigger this change if he’s not told that his behaviour is unacceptable and getting his wife down?

I’m all ears!

G5000 · 01/10/2019 11:51

There are of course several levels.

Both parents noticing what needs to be done and doing it - should be normal. Unfortunately in real life, it would be normal for the mother. The father would be 'sooooo great' and mother would be considered sooo lucky.

Mother sharing tasks: 'So, I'll do breakfast, you'll do bath time'. 'I'll deal with youngest, you'll do the other'. Both still decide what needs to be doing. Father considered so amazing because he 'is abe to figure out that children need to wear clothes and eat, and 'my husband would never manage'

Mother gives father clear instructions: 'So, DD needs to wear the stripy top and trousers I put ready on the chair, and winter boots, not sandals'. Father is still soooo great, as he 'helps' the mother. With his own children. But clearly it's the mother's job.

Father standing there like a numpty while wife is running around like a blue arsed fly, as he does not know what to do and/or doesn't care. According to many posters on MN, normal and hilarious.

butteryellow · 01/10/2019 11:53

And what do you think is going to trigger this change if he’s not told that his behaviour is unacceptable and getting his wife down?

But itemizing everything he should be doing isn't the same thing as telling him that his behaviour isn't acceptable. Tell him that and make your own decision based on his answer and subsequent behaviour.

You are responsible for your own life and happiness. He is responsible for his actions. If you take over, and itemize what he's supposed to be doing, I think you might find that actually, whilst you're perhaps doing less physical work, you're not doing any less mental work - and now your partner thinks that it's your job to tell him everything that needs to be done - ie. you've just got yourself another dependent, not a partner.

NoSauce · 01/10/2019 11:55

So if you don’t tell him that the rubbish needs putting out or the dc need bathing and he won’t think to do it anyway then what?

You just carry on doing it and become resentful, tired and sick of him?

butteryellow · 01/10/2019 11:58

So if you don’t tell him that the rubbish needs putting out or the dc need bathing and he won’t think to do it anyway then what?

You just carry on doing it and become resentful, tired and sick of him?

Fuck me NoSauce - if I had to tell my DP that the bins need putting out or the kids occasionally should be washed I would be resentful, tired and sick of him! Quite justifiably! Sounds like a completely reasonable reaction for someone who apparently can't do some basic adulting/parenting!

Hell, mine does do bedtime, albeit not (in my opinion) in the best way, and I am a bit annoyed with him about that (although it's him that suffers - as I don't let the kids suffer, and the kids go to bed beautifully for me)