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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell this poor woman her bloke is a cheating twat?

130 replies

NotSoFabReally · 01/10/2019 00:11

About 6 years ago I met this guy on Fab Swingers (for those who are not familiar, it's an adult hook up site mostly, not just for die hard swingers, no pun intended). I was single, I didn't want a relationship, but did want the odd shag. He came over a few times during the day over the course of a few weeks/months. Very hot, very good shag, few years younger than me, nice guy, or so it seemed. He told me he lived with his brother, not that I gave too much of a shit, but like me he said he was single and just looking for something casual. Of course you never really know the truth but I would only meet other single guys as let's face it there's enough of them without needing to go near the ones who are taken.

I had his number saved in my phone, so a few months after the last time I'd seen him, Facebook helpfully brought him up as a friend suggestion. Turns out his name wasn't what he said it was, and after Facestalking him a bit it turned out that not only was he in a relationship, at the time which we started shagging, his girlfriend was 6 months pregnant and they now had a baby. Her profile was very open and there were lots of lovey dovey posts about her wonderful man etc.

I had a break from Fab and when I went back on a year or so later under a different profile, this same guy messages me. I did a quick Facestalk of him and yep, he was still with this woman he'd had the baby with. I messaged him back saying something along the lines of "how's Sue and the baby?" (not real name obvs). He obviously shat his pants, sent me an abusive message back and then blocked me.

Fast forward to today, I went back onto Fab after ages of not being on there. Within minutes, guess who messages me wondering if I'd like to meet for a shag? He clearly doesn't know that it's me (different profile and pics from my last one). I ransacked the deepest archives of my brain for his real name and Facestalked him again. Seems him and Sue split up, and he promptly got together with another girl, let's call her Laura. She must have got pregnant very quickly as they have 2 year old twins. Both of their profiles are quite open, both saying in a relationship, lots of happy family photos, posts of them together from less than 48 hours ago.

So I message him back and ask 'will Laura be there too?'. He has just messaged me saying 'I'm not with her'. Obviously he's lying but I feel really sorry for his poor girlfriend who just like the last one has no idea what a dirty little shitbag he is. I have screenshots of his messages, with cock and face pics attached. Just been back onto Fab while writing this and he's hidden his profile. Should I send these screenshots to Laura so she knows the truth and can get herself down to the GUM clinic pronto? On the one hand it's none of my business but on the other hand if this was my bloke and father of my babies I think I would want to know.

OP posts:
Faez · 01/10/2019 00:20

Many will say stay out of it, you're just looking for revenge. I think she should know

NotSoFabReally · 01/10/2019 00:24

Nothing to be revengeful about from my end, I never wanted anything other than sex from him, it's not like I was ever in a relationship with him. I just feel very sorry for his girlfriend who clearly doesn't have a clue what he's up to.

OP posts:
WhenISnappedAndFarted · 01/10/2019 00:25

I agree with the pp, many will say stay out of it however I would want to know.

BrassTactical · 01/10/2019 00:27

Tell her

OhMyDarling · 01/10/2019 00:28

I would send them.
Anonymously, make a fake profile or something.

NotSoFabReally · 01/10/2019 00:31

OK that's quite unanimous so far! If I were to tell her I'd set up a bullshit Facebook profile for the purpose, but I guess my only potential issue would be that he does put his thinking cap on and work out it's me (he knows where I live). Don't want a brick through the windscreen of my car or anything.

OP posts:
Andysbestadventure · 01/10/2019 00:35

Not being funny love, but about 98% of the men on Fab are married or in a relationship. More fool you for believing he's single.

I wouldn't worry too much about him cheating again. You were probably the only one to message him in months or even years. There are thousands of men to every women on there.

anonopotomus · 01/10/2019 00:36

I would want to know.

doodleschmoodle · 01/10/2019 00:37

I would tell her. He could be sleeping with multiple different women. She needs to get to the GUM clinic as you say

wedwoses · 01/10/2019 00:40

somehow let her know. You don't have to do it tonight so think about a way that informs her, as kindly as possible, so she can think about her options/future.

Obviously also think about your own safety and security, but if he's been up to all sorts the chances of him tracing "the informer" back to you appear to be slight. i

NotSoFabReally · 01/10/2019 00:42

@Andysbestadventure I fully agree, he's certainly not the only one on there who's cheating..many are actually completely upfront about it! His new profile doesn't have any verifications, but his last one had a few since me. So maybe he hasn't actually cheated on Laura yet, but he's certainly trying to.

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 01/10/2019 00:44

It’s possible that he met Laura on fab and got her pregnant whilst he was with you and Sue.
He can’t be stopped.

Boxingmama · 01/10/2019 00:45

I'd want to know if it was my man .....give her the information..its her call what she does with it.

NotSoFabReally · 01/10/2019 00:46

@wedwoses yes he's probably more likely to think I'm someone who knows him or Laura in 'real life', as he has no idea I've seen his Facebook. I think the kindest thing to do would be to message her and tell her, and say I have proof if she wants it but don't force that on her if she doesn't want to see it.

OP posts:
TypingoftheDead · 01/10/2019 01:01

I'd let her know, for sure. Like you say, it's up to her what to do with that information, but I think she has the right to make an informed decision about her future with him, especially if he could have given, or potentially give her an STD.

DonKeyshot · 01/10/2019 01:46

You haven't got form for dropping him in it when he's made his various advances before, nevertheless I'd wait a couple of weeks before letting her know as he's less likely to connect you to the deed if he's connected with others in the meantime.

Would the 'proof' you speak of lead back to you?

MissLadyM · 01/10/2019 01:52

This reply has been deleted

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kateandme · 01/10/2019 01:58

op if you are worried of him finding out i think this could be worrying as isnt it likely.becasue the proof you have he will know it was you he sent these pictures to therefore know its you?

DonKeyshot · 01/10/2019 02:05

Did you drop by so that you could clutch your pearls, LadyM?

minesagin37 · 01/10/2019 02:12

So...you go on a site like that looking for a shag. A young, good looking guy comes along and you shag him. Then you decide to do your homework on him. I think you are naive if you think the guys on there aren't all leading double lives! Are you going to start playing detective with them all? If you are so morally focused come off that kind of site!

virginpinkmartini · 01/10/2019 02:24

Kind of agree with @minesagin37. If you go down the 'No strings' route, then mind your own. To assume that everyone you come across is going to be whiter than white then you're a bit naive... If people's backgrounds are important to you when hooking up then I recommend not engaging in casual sex with strangers.

whywhywhy6 · 01/10/2019 03:27

I agree - you want no strings attached sex yet you’re bothering to delve into their lives and make judgements. Just move on.

Densol999 · 01/10/2019 03:28

Keep out of it. Fab is for hook up's. Most guys are in relationships and cheating. He knows where you live and might work it out. Why take the risk?

penmanship · 01/10/2019 03:51

There are some real pearl clutchers on this thread. The OP didn’t ask for opinions on her sex life, she asked whether she should tell a woman her partner is cheating on her. Cheating on your partner is unquestionably wrong. Being a single person and choosing to have safe sex with someone because you enjoy the act of having sex is perfectly fine.

It’s actually depressing to see a woman being judged for being sexually active and making choices about her own sexuality.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 01/10/2019 07:03

I think no strings attached sex is just that

The whole point is you meet up and have sex nothing more

I would stay out of it

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