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Original poster

To tell this poor woman her bloke is a cheating twat?

130 replies

NotSoFabReally · 01/10/2019 00:11

About 6 years ago I met this guy on Fab Swingers (for those who are not familiar, it's an adult hook up site mostly, not just for die hard swingers, no pun intended). I was single, I didn't want a relationship, but did want the odd shag. He came over a few times during the day over the course of a few weeks/months. Very hot, very good shag, few years younger than me, nice guy, or so it seemed. He told me he lived with his brother, not that I gave too much of a shit, but like me he said he was single and just looking for something casual. Of course you never really know the truth but I would only meet other single guys as let's face it there's enough of them without needing to go near the ones who are taken.

I had his number saved in my phone, so a few months after the last time I'd seen him, Facebook helpfully brought him up as a friend suggestion. Turns out his name wasn't what he said it was, and after Facestalking him a bit it turned out that not only was he in a relationship, at the time which we started shagging, his girlfriend was 6 months pregnant and they now had a baby. Her profile was very open and there were lots of lovey dovey posts about her wonderful man etc.

I had a break from Fab and when I went back on a year or so later under a different profile, this same guy messages me. I did a quick Facestalk of him and yep, he was still with this woman he'd had the baby with. I messaged him back saying something along the lines of "how's Sue and the baby?" (not real name obvs). He obviously shat his pants, sent me an abusive message back and then blocked me.

Fast forward to today, I went back onto Fab after ages of not being on there. Within minutes, guess who messages me wondering if I'd like to meet for a shag? He clearly doesn't know that it's me (different profile and pics from my last one). I ransacked the deepest archives of my brain for his real name and Facestalked him again. Seems him and Sue split up, and he promptly got together with another girl, let's call her Laura. She must have got pregnant very quickly as they have 2 year old twins. Both of their profiles are quite open, both saying in a relationship, lots of happy family photos, posts of them together from less than 48 hours ago.

So I message him back and ask 'will Laura be there too?'. He has just messaged me saying 'I'm not with her'. Obviously he's lying but I feel really sorry for his poor girlfriend who just like the last one has no idea what a dirty little shitbag he is. I have screenshots of his messages, with cock and face pics attached. Just been back onto Fab while writing this and he's hidden his profile. Should I send these screenshots to Laura so she knows the truth and can get herself down to the GUM clinic pronto? On the one hand it's none of my business but on the other hand if this was my bloke and father of my babies I think I would want to know.

OP posts:
Aprillygirl · 01/10/2019 09:41

I’m torn. While I think Laura deserves to know, I think being sent screenshots by a stranger is a particularly horrible way to find out so I think I’d just stay out of it and let the girl find out what a scumbag she’s landed herself with organically. As for her needing to get herself down the GUM clinic don’t you lot practice safe sex then? Shock

QualCheckBot · 01/10/2019 09:42

Isn't the clue in the name - "Fab Swingers"? He's simply told you what you wanted to hear. I can't understand why you are still so obsessed with him after all this time when all you wanted was NSA sex with a stranger.

You have "cock and face photos" of him. Um, surely the men who send those photos (and the women who don't tell him to take a running jump) are implicitly "up" for this sort of thing?

He just told you what you wanted to hear, and you believed what you wanted to believe. You got what you wanted so just move on instead of this stalking thing.

Bluntness100 · 01/10/2019 09:46

I'm not really sure how your pics differ so much he doesn't know it's you? What am I missing?

But I agree with the other posters. If you're looking for no strings sex then you need to abide by that. Not stalk them on line, delve into their personal life's, then get involved.

That's not no strings sex in any way shape nor form.

Straycatstrut · 01/10/2019 09:49

Yuck. I feel so sorry for her. She needs to get herself checked out physically and then supported mentally.

BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs · 01/10/2019 09:53

i wouldnt be happy if you were my daughter op

Aren't you a delight. I don't think Op would be thrilled having you as a mother either, so you're safe.

There is an astonishingly big difference between wanting to meet people for sex but not a relationship while you are single, and meeting strangers for casual sex when you are in a relationship, with a pregnant partner that has no idea you're doing so/knows you are and is hurt by it.

It baffles me that anyone things these are in anyway the same. If I decided I wanted some 'no strings' sex, that means I want sex without the confines or risk of a relationship. Perhaps with a man/couple that are into swinging. It doesn't mean that I can't do some basic due diligence on the person I'm sleeping with or that I want to be repeatedly and knowingly complicit in a cheating twatbag's deception and be involved in a situation that may break up a family.

If I was Laura I'd much rather know what a scumbag I was with.

NoCauseRebel · 01/10/2019 10:02

@BreastedBoobilyToTheStairs but there’s a difference between finding out this man is a creep when you’re suggested as a friend on FB, and having a message four years on and going online to see if he’s still with someone, and then deciding you want to tell them.

I suspect that perhaps the reasons why are because the OP was planning another “no-strings” shag with him and when she found out that she wasn’t going to get what she wanted she decides to go all moral on him.

If the OP has been on Fab Swingers all this time then it’s highly likely she’s shagged numerous married men but can claim ignorance because she hasn’t stalked them. But clearly she’s invested in this one.

bigchris · 01/10/2019 10:09

I don't understand why you Facebook stalked him

It's like you missed the entire context of the site you joined

Fantie · 01/10/2019 10:20

I'm not really sure how your pics differ so much he doesn't know it's you? What am I missing?

There probably not of her face Hmm and just of her body on public. Face pics kept private.

Greyhound22 · 01/10/2019 10:27

I honestly wouldn't bother.

I don't think you're doing anything wrong - to be fair to you you are asking if they're single and you can't control how they answer that. You know that some (most) of them aren't going to tell the truth.

I don't think it's then up to you to Miss Marple them and reveal that they are cheating. Just shag and move on. I also don't think you should risk your personally safety - that's the most important thing.

GabsAlot · 01/10/2019 10:29

I would tell her if she knows fine if not she can get checked-id want to know

DoingWhatWorks · 01/10/2019 10:37

I'd want to know if it were my man. I would tell her and she can decide for herself. He may have looked for you on facebook and now he comes up as a suggested friend.

Toastymash · 01/10/2019 10:37

Unfortunately a lot of men on that site will be married/coupled up. Just a heads up for the future.

I would tell her. You're right, she deserves to know so she can at least get an STD screening. He sounds like a total toe rag. That poor woman.

Tojigornot · 01/10/2019 10:39

You’ve misunderstood what no strings means if you think it includes shopping people to their significant others.

Funghi · 01/10/2019 10:48

Do it. Why should people get away with this shit?

FavouriteSong · 01/10/2019 11:05

No strings means what it says. Stop Facebook stalking this man. If you want a shag, use the site for that but you're straying into bunny boiler territory.

BrightonRox · 01/10/2019 11:09

I'd tell her in a heartbeat. What a total arsehole. Risking her sexual health..I bet you weren't the only one he slept with. I'd do it, OP.

Lilymossflower · 01/10/2019 11:11

Tell her please.

The kids deserve not having an asshole father in there life

WonderWomansSpin · 01/10/2019 11:13

You're sounding overly invested in someone who was supposed to be no-strings sex.
fwiw usually I'd say the partner deserves to know.
But there's something off about you deliberately going to a site for casual sex and cheating, and then being surprised you met a cheat. Unless this is going to be your life's work. In which case, crack on. Most of the men on there are going to be cheats. You can let all their DPs know as a public service.

LucyAutumn · 01/10/2019 11:16

I think tell her, let her decide if she wants to see your evidence.

Whattodoabout · 01/10/2019 11:17

I once had this in reverse. I met up with a guy a few times casually before receiving a FB message from his girlfriend. She thought I knew all about her, I did not. I met him on a dating site and it transpired he had two FB accounts so one with her all over it, one for dating site purposes Hmm. Sleazeball. She stayed with him and had a baby later down the line but they split before the baby turned one he probably cheated again and again.

I would tell her, women appreciate knowing the truth. Send screenshots if you can.

Vanhi · 01/10/2019 11:18

Aren't swingers people who are in a relationship swapping and having sex with other people who are also in relationships.? Or single people who want to have sex with other couples? Surely by the very definition of it the majority are going to be married or in a relationship already?

That's what I understood by the term. Swingers is about partner swapping rather than no-strings sex with other single people.

If you can do it totally anonymously OP I would send her screenshots. She might know already, but his reaction to you offering to share information suggests not. Have a look at the properties of the screenshots though - a lot if info can be stored in those and it might enable him to work out who you are fairly easily. It's up to her what she then does with the information. True, most of the men on there are probably in relationships but you can't do anything about that - you can tell this woman. The only other thing you could do is maybe find an FWB so you can have commitment free sex whilst being a bit more sure he's not cheating. It's not your responsibility to police their behaviour, but I wouldn't want to actively enable it either.

Confusedbeetle · 01/10/2019 11:18

You behaved badly and now you want to hurt innocent people? Admirable

rattusrattus20 · 01/10/2019 11:22

This thread was [probably] brought to you by the owners of fabswingers.com.

I had a quick look, it's about as pleasant as you'd expect. The smart money would be on at least 90% of the women on there being prostitutes.

ALittleBitAlexis · 01/10/2019 11:28

A woman on that site who is neither a bot nor a sex worker?! Dude must have felt like he'd found a unicorn.

Whiskeylover45 · 01/10/2019 11:29

I was exactly like you before meeting now DH. Single and just looking for casual sex from single people. I usually did socials before hook ups so I could try and suss em out. Went on more socials than hook ups in the end lol. But in answer to your question, I would personally want to know. As it's not like you willingly engaged in an affair. But if you choose not too, then if he messages again just ignore or block. Every time. If hes on fab hell be sending messages to over a dozen other woman, just make sure your not one who replies. Hes lied before hell lie again, so just stay out of it if you choose not to message her. Best of luck OP