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AIBU?

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Original poster

To tell this poor woman her bloke is a cheating twat?

130 replies

NotSoFabReally · 01/10/2019 00:11

About 6 years ago I met this guy on Fab Swingers (for those who are not familiar, it's an adult hook up site mostly, not just for die hard swingers, no pun intended). I was single, I didn't want a relationship, but did want the odd shag. He came over a few times during the day over the course of a few weeks/months. Very hot, very good shag, few years younger than me, nice guy, or so it seemed. He told me he lived with his brother, not that I gave too much of a shit, but like me he said he was single and just looking for something casual. Of course you never really know the truth but I would only meet other single guys as let's face it there's enough of them without needing to go near the ones who are taken.

I had his number saved in my phone, so a few months after the last time I'd seen him, Facebook helpfully brought him up as a friend suggestion. Turns out his name wasn't what he said it was, and after Facestalking him a bit it turned out that not only was he in a relationship, at the time which we started shagging, his girlfriend was 6 months pregnant and they now had a baby. Her profile was very open and there were lots of lovey dovey posts about her wonderful man etc.

I had a break from Fab and when I went back on a year or so later under a different profile, this same guy messages me. I did a quick Facestalk of him and yep, he was still with this woman he'd had the baby with. I messaged him back saying something along the lines of "how's Sue and the baby?" (not real name obvs). He obviously shat his pants, sent me an abusive message back and then blocked me.

Fast forward to today, I went back onto Fab after ages of not being on there. Within minutes, guess who messages me wondering if I'd like to meet for a shag? He clearly doesn't know that it's me (different profile and pics from my last one). I ransacked the deepest archives of my brain for his real name and Facestalked him again. Seems him and Sue split up, and he promptly got together with another girl, let's call her Laura. She must have got pregnant very quickly as they have 2 year old twins. Both of their profiles are quite open, both saying in a relationship, lots of happy family photos, posts of them together from less than 48 hours ago.

So I message him back and ask 'will Laura be there too?'. He has just messaged me saying 'I'm not with her'. Obviously he's lying but I feel really sorry for his poor girlfriend who just like the last one has no idea what a dirty little shitbag he is. I have screenshots of his messages, with cock and face pics attached. Just been back onto Fab while writing this and he's hidden his profile. Should I send these screenshots to Laura so she knows the truth and can get herself down to the GUM clinic pronto? On the one hand it's none of my business but on the other hand if this was my bloke and father of my babies I think I would want to know.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/10/2019 07:09

Oh come on. No strings sex means just that in this context. Stop stalking people and considering wrecking their life...that is as far away from "no strings" as is possible to be.

You know how this works. Best get busy dobbing in pretty much every other bloke on that site. Could take you a while if you are looking for a hobby.

Amanduh · 01/10/2019 07:25

Yabu. Don’t get involved. Why are you taking screenshots of him etc? That could implicate you further down the line as well. None of your business. If you want no strings attached sex, stop stalking people repeatedly.

verticality · 01/10/2019 07:37

This will split folks right down the middle.

Personally, I don't think your intention in delivering the information matters. In the partner's shoes, I would want to know and it wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference to my position whether the person was delivering that information to get back at the cheater, or for altruistic reasons, provided that it was done in a way that was kind and as sensitive as possible (there are ways of breaking bad news that make it worse, and ways that lessen the blow - but it's a blow all the same). The key thing, for me, is that he is cheating and that this puts the partners at emotional and physical risk.

longwayoff · 01/10/2019 07:39

Stay out of it. You know what you're looking for online, why be surprised when you find it? Did you think he'd change? Leave his poor girlfriends alone, they'll know about him soon enough without your 'help'.

Vulpine · 01/10/2019 07:44

I'd want to know but then again from his ability to move on so quickly from women he'd impregnated i coulda probably told he wasn't a keeper already.

EleanorReally · 01/10/2019 08:08

call me a ;pearl clutcher all you like,
i bet 99% of these blokes are married.
if all you want is a shag why are you looking up their facebook profiles.
you either want a no strings shag or you dont, and if that is what you want, why bother being judgmental towards their married situation?

Wheresthebeach · 01/10/2019 08:18

I'm perplexed as how Facebook could bring him up as a friend suggestion if he wasn't using his real name?

You are over invested in this dirtbag. Move on.

Iwantacookie · 01/10/2019 08:25

On one hand I would want to know if it was me.
On the other in the situation your in with it just being sex
I would tell him hes an utter shit and how would he feel if Laura was his daughter. Ide then block and move on.

MotherOfLittlePeople · 01/10/2019 08:28

Make a fake profile and then send her all information.
I would want to know if that was me. She needs to get her self checked ASAP

MotherOfLittlePeople · 01/10/2019 08:29

@Wheresthebeach if his phone number is on Facebook it would bring him up as a suggestion if her contacts are synced.

Wheresthebeach · 01/10/2019 08:32

MotherOfLittlePeople well that's a chink in the fake profile armour!

OMGshefoundmeout · 01/10/2019 08:35

I would mind my own business.

NoCauseRebel · 01/10/2019 08:36

you can’t go looking on hookup sites in one breath and then make yourself the morality police in another.

The man sounds like a creep, but tbh most people looking for a no strings shag aren’t exactly on the level. And I’m assuming no strings also equals no questions asked....

You stalking his facebook profile makes you look like an unhinged nutjob. Who he’s seeing and whether he has children is none of your business, esp given all you want from him (and others) is a cheap shag. Stay out of it. And stay away from no strings sex sites if you don’t want to be shagging married men.

EleanorReally · 01/10/2019 08:36

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LemonTT · 01/10/2019 08:38

Well it’s not just no strings asked sex it’s no questions asked sex too. Adults choosing this should accept the basis of the relationship. I assume safe sex is a given too and the OP used condoms.

PlasticPatty · 01/10/2019 08:39

Keep out of it.

You're a shagger, he's a shagger. Fair play to you both. But that's the sum total of your relationship. So keep out of his life.

Tempting, though, isn't it? When you know something you think other people don't know. I know a woman who is in a three-year affair with one of her clients. Her fb is full of 'happy family' photos of her with her husband and children. She gets time with the lover by staying at the holiday home and arranging for him to work nearby. She sometimes takes the younger child along as cover - I guess he sleeps well.

Why don't I tell? I wanted the lover for myself and didn't get him. Any complaint I made would sound like sour grapes, even if I now wouldn't have him given. The husband deserves to know but I'm not the one to tell him. And, maybe he knows and he's ok with it. Maybe he has something on the side, too.

Other people's lives. Unless we're directly affected, we need to keep out.

StCharlotte · 01/10/2019 08:41

"Fab Swingers"? Surely the clue is in the name? Die hard or not.

You're probably the only single person on there.

Anyway, I'd stay well out of it. It's always the messenger who gets shot.

TatianaLarina · 01/10/2019 08:41

I’m all for letting people know when they’re being cheated on - but that’s if there’s a r/l connection.

I’d imagine a large proportion of men on hook up sites are on are cheating - you can’t warn all their partners.

Totalwasteofpaper · 01/10/2019 08:41

ODFOD Eleanoreeally
Op isn’t asking for moral judgments she’s single and can do what she likes, casual consensual sex is not illegal.

wheresthebeach Facebook links mobile nos to accounts so it can and does happen.

Yanbu - She should know / you should tell her

PlasticPatty · 01/10/2019 08:42

Oh, and I'm old and a mother.
What I've learned is that it's no good having rules about what your daughter should or shouldn't be.
So I wouldn't say 'I wouldn't be happy if you were my daughter', as someone has said. I'd say, 'Look after yourself. Find some other interests.'

StCharlotte · 01/10/2019 08:42

... Even if she doesn't know who you are. But you can bet he will.

randomusername · 01/10/2019 08:44

I'd want to know in that situation, so let her know.

penmanship · 01/10/2019 08:44

@EleanorReally because you can be comfortable having no strings attached sex while recognising that someone who cheats on their partner is wrong - these two instances are separate and only the latter is wrong and damaging. The attitude that pisses me off is the old slut shaming view that if a woman enjoys casual sex, then she therefore can’t have any morals.

EleanorReally · 01/10/2019 08:45

the op is asking for moral judgement of this man, but we are not welcome to judge her?
double standards

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 01/10/2019 08:45

I'd tell her, since it sounds like this is not behavior that's going to stop on his end.